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Insomnia: Tips On How To Get To Sleep

Updated on September 10, 2009

Insomnia: Tips On How To Get To Sleep

 Insomnia:  Tips On How To Get To Sleep

Staring at the T.V. screen and hoping things will get better.  It doesn't happen.  Need some way out.  There isn't one available. How the hell do I fall asleep?  I have been trying to sleep for days and nothing is happening.  I think this is turning into a problem.  Maybe I am a big problem.  All this thinking is making me not sleep.  I don't know.  I need to sleep!

Is this you?

Here are a few ways for you to fall asleep.  I hope you take this list down because it will change your life forever.  Write it all down.  NOW!

Turn off all the lights -- Light makes the brain think that you are awake.  Thus, if you sit in front of a television, or computer, and still complain about falling asleep, you may want to turn away.  Try turning all the lights off in your room and lay on your bed.  Don't move.  You will hopefully fall asleep.  If this doesn't help, move on to the next tip.

Drink a lot of alcohol -- Drinking can make you pretty drowsy.  I know this from first hand experience.  Take a 40 of ol' E and try not to sleep.  If that doesn't work bring out the other friends Mr. Walker and/or Mr. Daniels.  If you drink enough your body will not care if your brain says you are not tired; you will be knock the **** out.

Go for a run -- Try going for a 10k run.  I am sure that you will probably die in the middle of the run--when I say die I mean fall asleep.  So make sure you bring a sleeping bag with you.  The streets at night get pretty cold.  You can ask any homeless person and they will tell you to bundle up.  Back on track now...go for a run to get sleepy.

Drink warm milk -- Well, babies drink warm milk and fall asleep.  You are a big baby that can't fall asleep.  Drink warm milk.  This might do the trick...you big whiny baby!

Hold your breath until you pass out -- Okay, this is a tricky one.  You want to hold your breath until you pass out and not until you die.  Be careful.  You want to be able to get to the right point between sleep and death.  Nevertheless, with any of those end results, you will never have sleeping problems again.

Smoke pot -- Get high.  Get tired...Get tired to write the next sentence.

Get into a fight -- Go to a bar.  Go call the biggest person there some sort of name like, "Nancy."  Give that person a slap on the face.  Say, "Lets take this to the parking lot."  Hopefully he will respond  with some sort of compliance.  Next thing you do is move in with a punch and make sure you have your guard down.  Let that person hit you square in the face.  You will be out in no time.  Solution found!

Try to not think about sleeping -- hm....well this one is tough...maybe think about eating.... damn reading this kind of defeats the purpose of this point...

Have sex -- Find a mate.  Ask him or her if he or she wants to shag for a few hours--and by a few hours I mean a few minutes.  If you are lucky and you are not too ugly, you will have the opportunity to release yourself from any frustrations you are having with life...for a few seconds.  This feeling can potentially induce sleeping.  I know this is true because I have tried this method a million and one times.  Seriously.

Meditate -- Say a word like...sleep...over and over again in your head while focusing on breathing.  Do this while lying down in your bed.  Try doing this for about 1 hour.  When you look at the clock it will be the next day.  Sorry if I made you late for something, but you are now cured!

See a doctor -- Too easy move on to the next one.

Read a book -- Basically get bored and then fall asleep.

These were just a few ideas to help your sorry self get to sleep.  I know it is hard, but that is tough ****.  You are the only person that will make the difference.  Just remember while everyone is sleeping you are not.  So what are you going to do about it?  Get a move on with your self help.  Be careful before you try any of my tactics.  Ask a doctor before you try tips 1-7.  Good luck...I am going to bed.

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