Breast Implants...Has it All Gone Pear Shaped!?

Well, they all thought their prayers had been answered. Legions of flat-chested women would now be able to look like their favorite celebs - Dolly Parton, or Jordan maybe. No longer would they need to wear padded bras or stuff their underwear with hubby’s football socks. OK, they could no longer see their belly-buttons, much less their feet, but it was all worth it, to fulfill their life-long ambitions and have…BIG TITS!

Sadly, it seems no one has told these misguided dames that men - real men, that is - don’t have large breasts uppermost on their minds, but bottoms…cheeks: they are the part of the female that is the turn on in mammals, (I mean, look at Baboons: hanging drugs, but prominent red bums!) Of course, some women did realize this and the cosmetic clinics do have ways of padding the derriere, too.

But for the majority, they wanted to have those parts they can show off, sensual mounds, with a décolletage plunging down towards happy valley. And a plethora of clinics answered their call inserting “falsies” under the skin of flaccid breasts.

There’s nothing new about augmenting women’s breasts. The operations were first attempted in the late 19^th. Century. Experiments included the use of glass balls, ground rubber…even ox-cartilage (silly moos!). There are no statistics available on the failure or death rate from carrying some of this stuff around in the body…but I bet it was quite high.

Implants were original conceived as prostheses for women losing a breast, or breasts, due to a medical emergency such as post-mastectomy after cancer, or severe trauma after an accident.

But today - and for some years - the main concern has been vanity or perhaps in the use of male-to-female transsexual operations.

The first silicone breast prostheses first appeared in the USA in 1961 and procedures using these implants have been moderately successful (although nearly all implants will need changing about every ten years say experts).

There are two types of implant available today. A third - (“composite implants”) have now been banned. This is hardly surprising when you read they included soy oil, polypropylene and even string among the list of stuffing ingredients used!

The implants causing the ongoing furor in Europe at the moment are the “PIP” prostheses. Pip is for “Poly Implant Prosthesis,” a French company.

These implants use silicon gel, an industry standard, but shocking evidence came to light after an unusual number of women began to come into clinics reporting leakage from the devices. (Must have been embarrassing if they were being passionately squeezed at the time…”Honey, your left tit’s disappearing!”)

It transpired that the PIP company had been using an inferior, industrial grade of silicon gel in their implants that was normally used in the stuffing of mattresses! Well!

They should have been using medical grade silicon gel and had decided - we assume - to cut costs by using the cheaper product.

Mind you, the company protests that it stopped the use of industrial grade gel in 2001 and that most women would probably have had these implants replaced by now.

That may be so but the complaints are still flooding in with those who have a current problem and others who fear for the future of their magnificent boobs.

Pip has sold 300,000 of their devices globally - 40,000 in tit-happy Britain alone! Estimates of 5% failure rate or more is reported by some chroniclers, which by my shaky math is the possibility of around 15000 failures. This represents a lot of money to the vultures gathering, such as lawyers, (can’t you just see the ads now, “Boobs leaking, sagging, for a free fix call Bad Boobs Branson”) and to the clinics who may have to make them good; but to more than all of them, a huge problem to the UK’s National Health Service, which may end up with hundreds of repair jobs as women from all over Europe bring their tattered dreams for Daddy NHS to fix.

Britain’s health minister, Andrew Lansley, has tried to pour oil onto troubled gel and has said the claims for 5% failure was exaggerated and the true figure will probably shake down to 1% or less. He also said the NHS would operate where applicable and, we understand, replace the faulty implants. (I can just see some suspiciously well- endowed politician’s wives snarling “If you don’t get this sorted, you can forget every New Year’s Night fun in the future!”).

I know we shouldn’t laugh. But if it was men’s cocks suffering, I can just hear the ribald laughter from the ladies! And, yes, I believe we can get them augmented now…yours truly was lucky enough not to need it.

What does startle me, though, is the number of women with quite lovely breasts who want them enlarged…madness.

I will accept photos from female hubbers who would solicit my opinion on the architecture of their breasts…quite free of charge.

(Only kidding HP editors, get a life willya!)