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Know to Say No

Updated on February 22, 2013

Learning to Say No

Saying no is not an easy thing to do
Saying no is not an easy thing to do | Source

Saying No is Good for You

Giving Yourself the Right to Say No Know to Say No

  • Know that you are a people pleaser. The sooner you recognize that you are people pleaser, the sooner you will be able to admit that you are falling victim to the requests of others. Once you see what you are doing, you will be able to correct it and learn to say no with less guilt.

  • Know your own priorities. To say yes to someone else and give up the things that are important to you is not a healthy mental attitude. It might feel uncomfortable to say no, but staying true to who you are and what is important to you is always the best choice for you.

  • Know that you do have a choice. You are not beholden to anyone. If they aren’t going to like that you say no, they aren’t going to like a lot of things you do. You have the choice to say no, and it is not anyone else’s right to your freedom of choice away from you. You also have the choice to do it with some compromises on their part. Give yourself options.

  • Know that you don’t have to answer right away. It is okay to tell them you want to think about it a little bit. Think about what this commitment means and what it will take for you to do it. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t don’t do it. Saying no is sometimes the better choice. Think about what this obligation means for your time, your energy, your finances, the pressure it puts on you, and the long and short term results that may occur.

Learn to Say No

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Know to Stand Up For Yourself

  • Know that you have the right to get details. You can ask more questions to gain a greater understanding about what they want you to do.

  • Know that there will be additional stress from pleasing the other person. How much stress are you willing to take on? How much time will this take away from other things you want to do? What you will have to give up? What will the demands do to you?

  • Know that if you say no, and they are not happy, one way or another you will be okay.

  • Know that if you say no, you can always say yes. But if you say yes, it becomes much more complicated to undo it.

  • Know that you can set limits. You can do it at your convenience or within a timeframe that works for you. Perhaps you can offer to only do part of it. If what you can do is not good enough, it is best to say no.

  • Know that there is the possibility you are being manipulated by the person. People who flatter, you try to boost your ego, or tell you how good you do these things may be manipulating you. They may try to frame it in a way that gives you a choice of two things that both involve doing something for them. They may prey on your sensitive nature and appeal to your empathetic personality. Beware of manipulators.

  • Know that you have the willpower to say no. Give yourself permission to say no. Comfort yourself with thoughts that you are still okay, even if they don’t like that you said no.

Different Ways to Assert Yourself

  • There are four types of assertions, that let someone else know what you are thinking.

  1. Basic Assertion involves statements of “I want...”, “I feel...”

  2. Empathic Assertion lets others know you feel sensitive towards their plight, but you still have to say no. “I understand, but I can’t...” I hear what you need, I am only able to do...”
  3. Escalating Assertion states your feelings in a firm way. “I will only do …”
  4. Language Assertion helps you express the negative feelings you may have, using I statements. “When you do this, I feel that, and I would prefer to …”

Know that You Have a Choice

  • Know that you mean what you say. It is hard to say no, and the first time you say no, is the absolute hardest. Butit is also the start of feeling freedom, standing up for yourself, and earning the respect that you truly deserve.
  • Know that you have the right to assert yourself while still feeling compassion for the other person’s needs.

  • Know that all things do not have the same value. Some of your efforts to please, may just not be worth it. Ask yourself if it is really worth it? And don’t do it if it is not.

  • Know that you don’t have to give a list of excuses to get out of saying no. While it is tempting to defend yourself, you don’t owe the other person any explanation about why you don’t want to do as they request. The more you tell the other person, the more information you give them to ask you in another way.

  • Know that making changes takes time. You can start small. There are many advantages to this in that it will allow you to test the waters, and move in a way that gives you security to see which methods work best for you. The idea is to be successful in saying no. Small steps can be in telling some people who it feels safer to say no to. Small steps can be in the preparation of telling someone your requests. Make the process work for you.

  • Know that you don’t have to apologize for doing what is best for yourself. Don’t take responsibility for what others are asking of you, unless you say yes to it.

  • Know that saying no may feel uncomfortable in the immediate moment. But in the short term and the long term, no is far more beneficial for you, and that is what counts. Saying no has its benefits. Your needs to do for yourself, to take care of the things that are important to you, to have time for yourself count very much.

Learn to say no

Express yourself. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
Express yourself. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. | Source

Setting Boundaries

  • Know that when you say no, you start to set boundaries, which are important to your overall well being. When you set these clear boundaries, follow through and don’t renege. Your physical and emotional well being are at stake. Mean what you say and say what you mean.

  • Know that communication is key. Set your limits, express your feelings, voice your frustrations, and don’t bottle up your feelings or you will let them out at another time in an unhealthy way.

  • Know that what you are willing to do should be enough. Sometimes listening is truly good enough. Sometimes doing only a small part of what they need is helpful to the other person. And if saying no saves yourself, than that is enough too. In all likelihood when you say no, they will focus on the next person they can get to say yes.

  • Know that as you change the rules, from eagerly saying yes to saying no, will have ramifications, but it won’t be as bad as you think. People need people. As much as you need the other person, they need you too. And if they toss you away because you said no, what relationship and connection did you really have? Solid relationships don’t dissolve easily.

  • Know that you deserve to give yourself a reason why you should help. What are you giving up to help someone else? Are you doing this out of fear from the baggage you carry from long ago? Remind yourself that you deserve time for yourself.

  • Know that you have needs too. You have the right to have your needs acknowledged, and respected. The values that you hold dear to you, should never be compromised to pleas someone else.

  • Know that you will need to boost your self confidence. Work on feeling better about who you are, and that you are a special and valuable person. Self confidence will give you the courage to say no. Self confidence will give you the ability to want to take care of yourself better. Self confidence will help you find inner happiness and greater self satisfaction in who you are. Too often people pleasers look externally for approval from others. When you learn to look within yourself, you will be better able to say yes when it is right to help others, and to say no when it is wrong.

Know What You Need to Know

Did you know, there is always more to know. So keep learning about yourself, about others and about whatever you can to expand your horizons.
Did you know, there is always more to know. So keep learning about yourself, about others and about whatever you can to expand your horizons. | Source

You Deserve to Be Loved for Who You Are, Not for What You Do

  • Know that you can’t make everyone happy, and that you cannot possibly be everything to everyone. Everyone needs to find their own happiness. While helping others may please them, the greatest happiness always comes from within. It is each person’s responsibility to make themselves happy.
  • Know that you are deserving of love, just because of who you are. Each of us is precious and valuable and we don’t need to prove that to anyone else.
  • And that is all you really need to know! Start saying yes to yourself. Yes to your inner happiness. Yes to things that have meaning to you. Yes to self satisfaction. Yes to self success..

You can read learn about saying no by clicking here.

Learn about being a people pleaser by clicking the blue words.


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    • pstraubie48 profile image

      Patricia Scott 4 years ago from sunny Florida

      This is well stated. I was one of those who for too many years did not know, could not use that word N O. I am not quite certain when the realization came to me that saying no was ok. But I have learned and it has made a huge difference in how I live my life.

      thank you for sharing this.

      Sending Angels your way today :) ps

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      This is an interesting subject and you handled it well. I had to stop and think about myself; after a little thought I realize that I do set boundaries. I am pretty giving of my time and efforts, but if I feel I am being used or taken advantage of, I will build a wall very quickly.