Ladies Days | What I Learned From My Sanitary Pads
One mouthy pack of sanitary towels...
WARNING: Contains graphic analogies relating to the female menstrual cycle. May squick those of the XY persuasion.
So I am fiddling around with some sanitary towels, removing the multiple layers of labyrinthine packaging that sanitary products invariable find their way into, and I notice that they've changed the packaging design so the thin strip of waxy paper that keeps the sticky side from sticking to itself now has 'odd tips' on it.
I know for a fact that a man made the decision to put these on women's sanitary products, because no woman in her right mind has ever been messing about trying to change her sanitary products without emerging from the stall looking like she just butchered a cow and thought 'Hm, you know what I need right now? Trivia!”
The one I'm looking at reads “Putting a couple of moth balls in a toolbox prevents tools from going rusty.”
Now, call me unenlightened and sexist, but I am guessing that the average woman doesn't actually have a toolbox. I used to have one, but it was gifted to me from a male and then I left it somewhere and didn't replace it. Why? I don't know, but I do know that none of my friends have toolboxes either. Whilst I must concede that it is possible that some women do have toolboxes which they care deeply for, I am willing to bet that when dealing with a monthly deluge of blood, their minds aren't on preventing tool rust. Mine certainly isn't.
Also on this little waxed strip of doom:
“An average person sheds about 750 grams of skin per year.”
“Embryos of tiger sharks fight each other whilst in their mother's womb, the survivor being the baby shark that is born'.
Can I get a what the hell? Please? Seriously. If you're going to put tips on sanitary packaging, at least make them useful for the women facing the worst time of the month. What would be useful? Hm, how about tips for making effective home made painkillers?
Sometimes, normal painkillers just don't touch the sides of the inexplicably painful cramps that can accompany the bloody rush of the menstrual cycle. I'm not sure what evolutionary purpose these cramps serve, but I do know that they're damn unpleasant. Advice on how to extract some natural opiates would be freakin' awesome. If that's too illicit, how about an illustrated guide to distilling whiskey? No? Would that be inappropriate?
If not that, how about some inspirational quotes designed to get the woman through her day without melting down into tears or curling up under the desk for a nap? Better still, why doesn't my sanitary packaging just STFU?