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Ladies Days | What I Learned From My Sanitary Pads

Updated on July 7, 2009

One mouthy pack of sanitary towels...

WARNING: Contains graphic analogies relating to the female menstrual cycle. May squick those of the XY persuasion.

So I am fiddling around with some sanitary towels, removing the multiple layers of labyrinthine packaging that sanitary products invariable find their way into, and I notice that they've changed the packaging design so the thin strip of waxy paper that keeps the sticky side from sticking to itself now has 'odd tips' on it.

I know for a fact that a man made the decision to put these on women's sanitary products, because no woman in her right mind has ever been messing about trying to change her sanitary products without emerging from the stall looking like she just butchered a cow and thought 'Hm, you know what I need right now? Trivia!”

The one I'm looking at reads “Putting a couple of moth balls in a toolbox prevents tools from going rusty.”

Now, call me unenlightened and sexist, but I am guessing that the average woman doesn't actually have a toolbox. I used to have one, but it was gifted to me from a male and then I left it somewhere and didn't replace it. Why? I don't know, but I do know that none of my friends have toolboxes either. Whilst I must concede that it is possible that some women do have toolboxes which they care deeply for, I am willing to bet that when dealing with a monthly deluge of blood, their minds aren't on preventing tool rust. Mine certainly isn't.

Also on this little waxed strip of doom:

“An average person sheds about 750 grams of skin per year.”

“Embryos of tiger sharks fight each other whilst in their mother's womb, the survivor being the baby shark that is born'.

Can I get a what the hell? Please? Seriously. If you're going to put tips on sanitary packaging, at least make them useful for the women facing the worst time of the month. What would be useful? Hm, how about tips for making effective home made painkillers?

Sometimes, normal painkillers just don't touch the sides of the inexplicably painful cramps that can accompany the bloody rush of the menstrual cycle. I'm not sure what evolutionary purpose these cramps serve, but I do know that they're damn unpleasant. Advice on how to extract some natural opiates would be freakin' awesome. If that's too illicit, how about an illustrated guide to distilling whiskey? No? Would that be inappropriate?

If not that, how about some inspirational quotes designed to get the woman through her day without melting down into tears or curling up under the desk for a nap? Better still, why doesn't my sanitary packaging just STFU?

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    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      8 years ago

      Great tip, elimentree :D Thanks for taking the time to share it :D

    • elimentree profile image

      elimentree 

      8 years ago from New York

      In my family may of us suffer from unbearable monthly symptoms. We have adopted an old fashioned remedy that has been used from before my grandmother's day-(she was born in 1910)hot wine, warmed to a boil with grated nutmeg. We use about a half cup of red wine, (more if necessary) whole nutmeg (2-3 pinches) and grater it directly into the saucepan.It works on the worst cramps.Try it!

    • profile image

      RD 

      9 years ago

      I could not agree more with GoneNylon. Loved the "Fortune Cookie" reference and the suggested message. As for men's opinion of a woman's cycle, they should realize it is a natural thing but should try to be more understanding. To accomplish this, I imagine what it would be like to bleed for several days every month from my...let's just say, "privates." Add the bloating and pain. What type of mood would anyone have under these circumstances? My sympathy goes to every woman during this time of month.

      And

      "Please Don't Kill Me. I didn't mean it the way you took it!"

    • profile image

      threesweds 

      9 years ago

      Fortunately I don't have a menstrual cycle, however I wear sanitary pads with my panties most of the time. The extra absorbancy of the pads under thin panties helps me out of embarassing moments, especially while at work when I think about the lingerie I'm wearing under my male clothing and that of my female coworkers. The thought and feel of wearing a sanitary pad makes me feel a little more feminine.

    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      9 years ago

      Yes, some men are totally cool with it, some even like it, but I am aware that some men want to retch at the mere idea and get quite freaked out by it.... I doubt we'll see any of their comments here though ;)

    • Tomgeekery profile image

      Tomgeekery 

      9 years ago

      I just want to comment on your warning because it made me laugh.

      A few years back, my ex and I were running a business selling things like cloth nappies and baby slings. We were invited by a friend of my wife to share a stall at a major sustainability show and agreed. The interesting (and relevant) part of this, is that women sold cloth menstrual pads.

      So I spent 3 days helping out in this stall. Although I never planned it quite like this, by the end of it I was explaining how they worked, and sold plenty of them myself.

      After an experience like that, you never think of menstrual cycles as anything but normal.

    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      9 years ago

      LOL! That had crossed my mind, you put it so beautifully Gone Nylon...

    • profile image

      GoneNylon 

      9 years ago

      Hope,

      I'faith, I never thought of sanitary products as needing a fortune cookie angle. If they simply MUST have something, I humbly suggest the following as a homily of sorts: "PLEASE DO NOT KILL HIM. WHATEVER HE SAID, HE DIDN'T MEAN THE WAY YOU TOOK IT."

      See? Easy, generic and wholly relevant, especially given the totality of the circumstances.

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