ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

My Life As A Multiple

Updated on February 5, 2019
Bliss (My abstract art)
Bliss (My abstract art)

My Personal Experience



I have lived with a challenging mental disorder for most of my life. I have what is known today as Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.) formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder (M.P.D.). Because of this disorder, I have huge gaps in my life that I have no memory of. So, although my body may age through the years, I feel much younger in ny mind than what my actual life years are. I maintain the naiveness of youth and I am constantly learning how to maneuver myself through life.

I was diagnosed with D.I.D. during my 20's when I was hospitalized with self-harming behaviors that I insisted I did not do to myself. My original diagnosis was Borderline Personality Disorder. That's not surprising as very little is known about D.I.D. and very few doctors know how to treat someone with disorder. For years, I refused to accept this diagnosis. It put me into a downward spiral of depression and suicidal thoughts. I was a single mother with three small boys. How could I raise them alone? How will this affect them? I felt they were be better off without me. Thankfully, it was my deep love for them that help me to overcome those thoughts and plunged me into a strong desire to learn more about this disorder and how to function in a world that was only partially my own.



My Altars

Currently, I have 14 altar personalities that share my body. I am known as the "Host." The altars range in ages from 5 being the youngest, to 25 as the oldest. I am not aware of what is happening when an altar is out. It's as if I fall into a dream less sleep. Some people who have D.I.D. are able to be co-conscious and are aware of what is happening when their altars are out, but I have not learned how to do that.

Some of my younger altars are afraid of most people they consider strangers, especially men. Often, if I am not with someone they recognize, they will try to run and hide. At least 2 of my altars do not speak. I don't know if it is because they are unable to or if they just choose not to speak. All of my altars are females with one who says she is a lesbian. They all have different names, see themselves differently than what I actually look like, and all have their own personal memories that are unrelated to my own life. There is still so much I don't understand about the whole system. I still have a problem accepting them as part of who I am which is partly why I still have more questions than answers. I have to be able to accept them and learn to co-exist with them in order to understand things better. I have not reached that point yet, and I am not sure if I will ever be able to.

The physical abilities of my altars often baffle my friends and loved ones because when they are out, they run, climb, walk and just do many things I myself am not physically capable of doing. The altar's physical abilities reflect their ages. The things they are able to do puts my body in a world of hurt that they don't feel but I do once I am conscious once again. . I have often come back feeling so much pain that leaves me unable to move for quite sometime.

One of the questions I am often asked is if any of my altars are dangerous or violent. That is one of the biggest misconceptions of D.I.D. thanks to Hollywood movies that often sterotypically portray this disorder without actual facts or having personally known someone who has D.I.D.


Floral Rainbow (My art)
Floral Rainbow (My art)

Helping Others Understand

I am open about my disability in order to bring awareness and hopefully put a stop to the negative stigmas of having a mental disorder that can be challenging and at times very debilitating. I hope to put a face on this disorder in order to hopefully change how people view others who suffer from this. With knowledge comes understanding and with understanding there is acceptance.

If you ever have any questions for me, please don't hesitate to ask. I do understands people's curiosity and even skepticism. I can't stop what happens to me, but I only hope to be understood and accepted just as I am.

© 2017 Amada Gonzalez

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://maven.io/company/pages/privacy

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)