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My Life As A Multiple

Updated on February 5, 2019
Bliss (My abstract art)
Bliss (My abstract art)

My Personal Experience

I have lived with a challenging mental disorder for most of my life. I have what is known today as Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.) formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder (M.P.D.). Because of this disorder, I have huge gaps in my life that I have no memory of. So, although my body may age through the years, I feel much younger in ny mind than what my actual life years are. I maintain the naiveness of youth and I am constantly learning how to maneuver myself through life.

I was diagnosed with D.I.D. during my 20's when I was hospitalized with self-harming behaviors that I insisted I did not do to myself. My original diagnosis was Borderline Personality Disorder. That's not surprising as very little is known about D.I.D. and very few doctors know how to treat someone with disorder. For years, I refused to accept this diagnosis. It put me into a downward spiral of depression and suicidal thoughts. I was a single mother with three small boys. How could I raise them alone? How will this affect them? I felt they were be better off without me. Thankfully, it was my deep love for them that help me to overcome those thoughts and plunged me into a strong desire to learn more about this disorder and how to function in a world that was only partially my own.

My Altars

Currently, I have 14 altar personalities that share my body. I am known as the "Host." The altars range in ages from 5 being the youngest, to 25 as the oldest. I am not aware of what is happening when an altar is out. It's as if I fall into a dream less sleep. Some people who have D.I.D. are able to be co-conscious and are aware of what is happening when their altars are out, but I have not learned how to do that.

Some of my younger altars are afraid of most people they consider strangers, especially men. Often, if I am not with someone they recognize, they will try to run and hide. At least 2 of my altars do not speak. I don't know if it is because they are unable to or if they just choose not to speak. All of my altars are females with one who says she is a lesbian. They all have different names, see themselves differently than what I actually look like, and all have their own personal memories that are unrelated to my own life. There is still so much I don't understand about the whole system. I still have a problem accepting them as part of who I am which is partly why I still have more questions than answers. I have to be able to accept them and learn to co-exist with them in order to understand things better. I have not reached that point yet, and I am not sure if I will ever be able to.

The physical abilities of my altars often baffle my friends and loved ones because when they are out, they run, climb, walk and just do many things I myself am not physically capable of doing. The altar's physical abilities reflect their ages. The things they are able to do puts my body in a world of hurt that they don't feel but I do once I am conscious once again. . I have often come back feeling so much pain that leaves me unable to move for quite sometime.

One of the questions I am often asked is if any of my altars are dangerous or violent. That is one of the biggest misconceptions of D.I.D. thanks to Hollywood movies that often sterotypically portray this disorder without actual facts or having personally known someone who has D.I.D.

Floral Rainbow (My art)
Floral Rainbow (My art)

Helping Others Understand

I am open about my disability in order to bring awareness and hopefully put a stop to the negative stigmas of having a mental disorder that can be challenging and at times very debilitating. I hope to put a face on this disorder in order to hopefully change how people view others who suffer from this. With knowledge comes understanding and with understanding there is acceptance.

If you ever have any questions for me, please don't hesitate to ask. I do understands people's curiosity and even skepticism. I can't stop what happens to me, but I only hope to be understood and accepted just as I am.

© 2017 Amada Gonzalez


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