Longest Day, Longer Nights!

Isolationism is the loneliest of features in anyone’s life. It is the actions of a person whom resides with the feelings, emotions, and habits that finds him//herself not being able to be amidst other people, for a variety of reasons, for long periods of time.

Being isolated from other people who live around me, and whom come in and out of my life, is a lonely existance, to say the least. However, the levels of distrust and the levels of exposures to possible triggers, is at times more unbearable than becoming comfortable in my own company.

At times when I am made to have interactions with others, I have to limit the time frames spent out and mingling with others and especially with. Strangers. When triggered to a point where I have feelinags, where I feel like I have to isolate myself, and only let a very select few people in and out of my space. basically, I live in a encapsulated bubble, where very few people can I see being around, and that is in very short periods of time.

Often times, I will find myself laying around the house, with no intention of going outside, and locking all of my doors and setting my alarm system on, and just stay alone most of the days, unless I am pulled outside with my dogs; then it’s a return to my little slice of self imposed Prison.

Sitting in the living area of my home, a small studio apartment, all the lights are on to remove all of the shadows on the walls; which would otherwise allow for places that things can set unobservable to the eye in the darkness created by the blinds being pulled. The television on to take away the discerning quietness that would otherwise rule the room’s ambience, and the distractions of being in silence.

Thinking of having or asking for someone over, is not really an option. IN my mind, if I ask for someone to come over, I have not any recourse which would allow me to respectfully ask them to leave or to give me space, should I have to take a break from their presence; or if their presence seems to be “rubbing” me the wrong way.

Generally, even those whom I can tolerate on short stents of time, come over, I can generally walk outside with them in tow and then take a momentary break without upsetting the balances of respect and privacy, to gather myself enough to return to their company.

PTSD sometimes brings on sense of not feeling safe, which draws me into isolation. These times are typically not filled with much, except getting lost in the Television, or playing an occassional game; which only happens if I can get my mind to slow down and stop racing into so many directions, I could not concentrate; and often times leads me to go into flashbacks and having nightmares, should I decide to take a nap.

I know that what I have writing in here, has the soundings of rudeness. However, nothing could be more untrue, in my estimation. You see, it’s more along the lines of being honest and also of survival and mental stability, if that is afforded.

The features of PTSD, especially the complex nature of the PTSD which comes as a result of multiple Traumatic events, of which sparked off this way of living; which I did not chose.

The problems that live with the serious nature of Isolationism is the cycles of depression that goes with it. Although I have been forced into living the way I do, and I know that some would say it was choice, it has been nothing of the sort. The life I have been living is nothing short of a sentence in a prison, of which I found myself; due to those events which brought my life into jeopardy, and for all practical purposes should have claimed my life. It’s a life I hate and despise, I will admit, but it’s a life I have found myself in.

Here are a few facts about people whom live in Isolation:

• Isolation is usually caused by depression and other PTSD features
• sufferers of trauma, often find their lives in isolation
• Sufferers of Isolation, often have an increase of heart and other health issues
• Depression and fear is among some reasons people move their lives into isolation

This life is nothing short of being in prison, but not just any prison. In most cases, it is worse than any “man-made” prison ever planned, engineered or built. It does not have guards, its guards are the perceived danger that lies outside and with other people who are perceived to be waiting to bring harm, or spark off an attack from the sufferer.

The levels of anxiety, sometimes brings sufferers to a point that “flash-backs“ which for me seem inevitable. The outcome of how these episodes will be, are an unknown and can vary with each person who suffers with PTSD, of all sorts. The stresses that come, after experiencing an nightmare or flashback, has been known to range from anger and violence, to a deep depression where that suffer may do many things.

WE never know what the outcome of our flashbacks will be, whether it be harm to ourselves, or to those around us, we have no clue until the flashback is concluded and we slip into a phase of depression and come back to the present time, to realize we are actually not in danger.

PTSD flashbacks, leave us immobile or at worse of its effects, cause us to lash out uncontrollably and irrationally, at whatever is closest to us; either verbally or physically. In the best cases, we retreat in fear and slip back into isolation, to deal with the fear and other emotions that may wash over us. In many cases, the features of my attacks will allow me to just become idle and dazed, not reacting until I get a sense of where I am. (I was able to hone this skill over many years of dealing with my PTSD. What tools I used to accomplish this, I have no clue.)

Looking back at the day, and the perceived waste of it, Anger sets in. I am finding myself angry at myself for letting the day slip away, not accomplishing anything note-worthy or tangible. My mind easily slips into the anoles of my traumas, without urging, and the silhouettes of images which haunt me on an daily basis.

Once all of my energy has been expended, and I am sitting tired on the chair or laying on the bed with a head-ache, the loneliness sets back in. I know that I cannot have anyone in my life, for a few reasons, so I am stuck in the fact that I have to endure my imprisonment on my own.

There are so many people who have suffered in silence, who live this way on their own, and have for many years. I lived with my pain, by myself and in silence for over 30 years. It was not until recently that I was able to find someone who could assist me, in dealing with these issues; to allow me to begin to break the cycles, I have been living in for so long.

My getting the assistance in dealing with these issues, that allows me to open up and begin to document the journey I have been on, and the one I am undertaking now. It’s not easy, and it’s filled with a lot of self-doubts, and constantly facing the demons, that pushed me into the life I am living today.

I guess it’s the reason I am starting to share this journey, on both my blog, as well as on these hub page posts. It’s not easy to share this, but another reason for my sharing is not to be self-serving nor to gain pity or actually to gain anything more than the ability to break free, for myself and face these matters “head on.”

Another reason I am posting these stories, is to show others who may be suffering, that they are not alone; and that there is help out in the world to help them. Another reason, is to educate those whom may have sufferers of PTSD, in their lives, so that they may be a bit more understanding of what is going on with their loved ones, and possibly to encourage them to reach out.

With that being said, I will close this post. For anyone suffering in silence, there is no need to feel alone and there are people who understand what pain is. Those people may not understand to the fullest extent of your pain, but they can understand that you do not deserve to live life in fear and pain. For those of you who are getting help, Good luck and you are not alone. For those whom love someone who is suffering, I wish you strength and thank you for hanging in there. I hope you can find the strength to point your loved one in a direction of healing.