ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Look here! Tips For Losing Weight Fast...Fatty!

Updated on September 10, 2009

Look here! Tips For Losing Weight Fast...Fatty!

Wow!  You are really fat!  You look in the mirror and a tear trickles down your face.  When people look at you, the exact opposite reaction happens--they laugh their asses off.  Why did this have to happen to me?  Why right now?  Is there a way to change my problem?  Can I actually lose some weight?  Well kiddies, you are in luck. Good old Uncle Jawn is here to save your fat life.  I want to tell you my tips for losing weight fast.  You heard  If you follow my instructions, you will lose 100 pounds in one day...haha.  That is a lot of vomiting.

Here are my tips for losing weight fast:

  1. Liposuction.  If you have been trying to lose weight forever, why not take the easy way out?  Call up you local hospital and find out the fees for simple liposuction surgery.  If you do not know what this is, you have not been in the losing weight game for so long now have you?  But really, liposuction is a very painful surgery where a doctor sticks a large pole in your fat belly and literally sucks out all of your problems...fat.  All this fat is later transferred into a sack that is right beside your head.  Wow!  The smell is disgusting.  If you are lucky, the doctor will not suck you up too.  But look on the bright side you are now skinny!
  2. Take the supermodel approach if you are really desperate.  There is purging--you know vomiting out the food you consumed.  However this is not what I am suggesting.  I am heading more toward the citrus diet.  The citrus is where you go one week on nothing but lemon and water.  It isn't that healthy, but you will look really good. Remember, it is 1 part lemon and 3 parts water.  Have a fun weak of nothing but sh**ting.
  3. Get a personal trainer.  If you can't help yourself lose weight, get another poor soul to help you.  Yes, buy yourself a personal trainer.  These people are very sec...he..hehe...thank you.  Like I said, these people are very cheap and can help you get to your goal weight.  If you can handle someone breathing and yelling into your face or ear area, this might be the option for you. you really want to get up a 6:30 a.m. for a session?
  4. Stop eating chocolate bars.  Simple enough,  watch what you are putting down your pie-hole.  Really, those chocolate bars will make you the next Olympic athlete.  STOP IT!  You are fat.  Ignore you emotions for a second and notice that chocolate is only a cover up.  STOP IT FATTY!  Put down the god damn chocolate bar.  The saying are what you eat.  Do you look like a lumpy turd?  STOP EATING THE CHOCOLATE BAR!
  5. Workout.  This is a really old method and may be foreign to you: go to the gym and pick up weights.  After you have picked up weights, it might be a good idea to get your ass onto a treadmill.  I think you should probably run 1 or 2 thousand kilometers for the sake of your life.  Hey, if you need motivation, look in the mirror.  Wait...don't do that...okay do that.  You are really fat!  Go to the gym and save your life now.
  6. Monitor your progress.  Go out to your local dollarstore and buy yourself a calendar.  HEY...ignore those chocolate bars on your left.  Now, bring the calendar home and write down your current weight on the current date (I should write rhymes).   Your goal is to try and lose 1 - 2 pounds a week.  For each day, write out what you can do to lose weight.  Next thing you know, you have made it to your goal.  The idea is to keep you scattered fat brain to stay focused on your goals.

These were my tips for losing weight fast.  If you really really want to lose weight fast...cut off a limb.  But if you are more sensible than this, know that your effort will take some time.  This all depends on how much damage you have done to your body.  If you stick to your goal you will be a twig in no time.  Good luck to you my dough filled friend.  Fatty...fatty...fatty...fat.


Submit a Comment

No comments yet.


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)