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Mental Health What is Your State of Mind?

Updated on April 8, 2021
Behind every dark night hides a bright moon
Behind every dark night hides a bright moon

Does it ever end?

I was diagnosed in my early thirties with depression according to the doctors they felt that I was suffereing with SAD. However, they misdiagnosed what the real problem was that I was suffering. It actually took another 20 years of being "SAD" and misdiagnosed before a specialist in Bi-Polar disorders recognized that my problem was being not only misdiagnosed but also improperly treated.

I spent thousands of dollars on popping pills for a disease that I did not have. Endless hours in therapy to try and deal with my depression and a circle of destruction that was continually causing me and my family pain.

For years I heard the commercials talk about "IF your Depressed you are not only Hurting You, but those around You!" Really? How does the pain to anyone else compare to the pain that I had to live every day. Yes, physical pain and emotional pain. My life seemed so extreme most of the time. But, I do also understand the torment and pain that it caused my family and that part is the hardest to deal with.

People on the outside had no idea's how much I had to struggle to be able to just live my life. I hid the way I lived as much as I could. I hid in my room so that I didn't have to share what was really happening or how I was feeling with others. I felt like the moon was never going to rise... or that I would never be able to have the chance to see another one. I loved sitting outdoors watching the nightly moon... it was peaceful and made me feel connected yet its beauty was only in the dark... like I felt that was where my place was.

Life had moments of time... good, bad.. happy, sad.. lucky and unlucky. Extremes and broken dreams. There is every moment that I felt that I lived in my life.

I went through multiple marriages, businesses and adventures. I was one of the lucky gamblers.. and for that I am very thankful as it may have cost me everything. Sex, drugs and Rock n Roll.. isent that suppose to be a lifestyle?

So many times I had heard myself asking the question How could I be feeling so sad when life is so great? Why now at one of my happiest times in my life was it that I only had the feeling like I am going to crash? It seemed like happy meant impending disaster.

I did go for years however in between episodes and have incredible times that I was able to soar... until I finally realized that they were called mania years which lead up to disasterous falls.

After forty years of pain that I have full recollection of, I was finally able to come to an end of the journey with complete understanding. Once I was properly diagnosed and treated for the proper disorder I was able to realize that I could be in control. I suffered a major depression when I lost both of my parents in 2008 and my life went down to the lowest I had ever been having to deal with, it was also the end of a marriage and business. I wanted to kill myself and became suicidal many times. It seemed like the easiest way to finally end my struggle with "SAD", however it was the best time in my life when it finally was able to be diagnosed correctly.

I was able to deal with all of my pain from the past and realize that the road in front of me was finally clear and had a new understanding. I chose to have medications and talk therapy to help me get back to my life.

It was not long before I realized that my problems started far earlier then when I was first diagnosed by a doctor. My first recollection of trouble began before the age of 10, however I believe it was esculated when I was sexually molested at the age of 14 by someone that was very close to me.

There are stil many questions about when the abuse started, since there is a possibility that it was years before I finally caught him. When it happened I approached an adult family member and tried to get help however I was told that she didn't believe what I was saying and actually threatened me with my removal from my home and being put into foster care if I did not just forget about it.

This made me extremely sad and helpless and knowing that she would assume that I was lying it probably hurt more than the actual pain of the abuse. I decided that I would remain quiet, but made sure that the person who abused me was aware he was to never come near me again.

I felt like part of me had died over that period of time and life didn't matter. This was my first recolleciton of wanting to end my life instead. For years I struggled with my life and now I have far better understanding of why and who I really am.

It is sad to know that your life can be impacted and your mental health can be in jeopardy all because of others selfish acts.

Today I still suffer with Bi-Polar, but I have a far greater understanding of the disease and the benefits of getting help.

If you feel sad, depressed, anxious, angry, lonely or unhappy... dont wait for time to change it. Go and seek help, talk to people and tell them.. or seek medical attention. Today there is No need for your life to revolve around depression, there are answers and people that WILL Help!

Reach out and make a change in your life and that of your family..they and You Deserve It!


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