Mental Mindsets: Low Self-Confidence

A few weeks ago, I went to a small pool hall/bar/dance club with a guy friend. As we were talking, he pointed out several of the females that he knew and he would tell me a little of the background on each lady. The stories often included “shy but sweet”, “mistreated by a guy”, “low self-esteem”, and being “self-conscious” about some part of herself. With each lady's story, I couldn't help but think that it sounds just like me or something I had been through.

I remember looking at each lady and thinking … “She is self-conscious? But she is so pretty! I would love to have her ….” Each lady had something about her that made me jealous. One lady had a beautiful smile, another had gorgeous eyes, one had bigger breasts than me, the next had a smaller butt than me, one showed amazing self-confidence, another one worked her sex appeal, several had beautiful hair, and they all had smaller waistlines than me.

Of course I found myself comparing my body to these ladies … and pointing out all of my own flaws. Being a larger female, I have a lot of body image issues already and it was really hard to keep my chin up when looking at the other ladies at the bar. I had to put a stop to the negative self-thoughts and pushed them to the back of my mind so that I could enjoy shaking my (large) booty on the dance floor.

While I was able to push the negative thoughts to the back of my mind, the low self-esteem and lack of confidence in my appearance is always with me, although I try my best to not let it show. My best friend once told me to always keep my head held high, a smile on my face, and my shoulders back to give the impression that I am a strong, self-confident woman – even when I do not feel very self-confident. I have done this so long that it comes natural to me now and I do not realize that I am holding myself in this manner. Just looking at me, most people cannot tell that I have low self-esteem and that I have suffered from deep depression for most of my life.

After I got off work Friday evening, I was doing a little shopping before going home – no date for me. At the first store, I had an elderly gentleman flirt with me – telling me how beautiful he thought I was and that he would have loved to take me out on a date if he was 40 years younger. That was a little boost to my self-esteem. At the next store, I had a lady around my age tell me that I had beautiful hair and that she wished her hair was long and blonde like mine. This made me feel pretty good as well. Then in the checkout line, there were two younger guys in line in front of me. One guy told me that I had amazing eyes and the other told me that I had a sexy smile – and they invited me to go out with the two of them, but I turned them down since they were much younger than me. This was a huge boost to my confidence levels though and I was feeling pretty good by the time I got home.

Just a few nice words or a little flirting can boost a person's self-esteem up to cloud 9 … and one negative comment can almost destroy a person. We tend to notice the “flaws” in ourselves before other people notice them … and then we worry about those “flaws” until we hate that part of ourselves. Why? Why do we beat ourselves up over little imperfections that other people may not even notice? Because society has taught us a need to be perfect, a false sense of what beauty truly is, and a false image of what is a healthy body weight. Depending on what models you look at, the perfect body is just skin and bones with no curves or a tiny waist with large breasts. It is very unrealistic for all females to look like that. Men are put to unrealistic standards also. Some male models are very thin with little muscle and no body hair and other models are well muscled with 6+/8+/12+ pack abs and a tiny waist. Your average male is not going to look like that.

The old saying “don't judge a book by its cover” does not seem to apply when looking at other humans anymore. It is fairly common to make snap judgments based on how a person looks. Most people do not even realize that they are passing judgment because we do it so often. The difference between a person with fairly strong self-confidence and a person with little self-confidence is what we do with that judgment. A person who is lacking in self-confidence and self-esteem will often take those judgments and use them against the other person, pointing out those little imperfections that strong people will over look. Why would someone purposely cause someone else to hurt? As a way to may him/herself feel better. A strong person who is okay with him/herself will work to build other people up, not tear them down.

When you find yourself in a rut of feeling down, lacking confidence in yourself, or simply being too hard on yourself - there are ways to improve your mindset. I was lucky when I needed to improve my mental mindset after being diagnosed with cancer - my best friend was working toward becoming a "life coach" and was able to give me some tips - and I am going to pass those tips on to you.

Tip 1: Fake the self-confidence. Walk with your head held high, shoulders back, and a smile on your face. While I normally do not believe in the "fake it til you make it" way of thinking, in this case it does work. Once you train yourself to walk tall and proud, it becomes second nature and you look like you are very confident in yourself.

Tip 2: Find, listen to, and follow the motivational speakers. At first I had trouble listening to the motivational speakers because many of the speakers talk about religious beliefs. Once I moved past my issues with religion and truly listened to what was being said, it made a lot of sense to me and I was able to use the information to better myself. Some of the people I have continued to follow are: Sandi Krakowski, Carol Tuttle, P. J. McClure, and Dani Johnson. You can find more information on these people on the "People to Follow" section on Web I Weave's website.

Tip 3: Energy Tapping. While some people do not believe energy tapping works, other people do. While I can not claim that the actual technique is what helped me, I do know that the repetitive nature of energy tapping helped me to change the way I think. Negative thoughts out, positive thoughts in. I often visualize the tapping process without doing the actual tapping and it still helps to change the focus of my mind. Energy tapping can be used to change negative mindsets, bring positive energy into your life, and some say it can even change your money situation. One person I follow for energy tapping is Brad Yates. You can find more information on Brad Yates on the "People to Follow" section on Web I Weave's website.

• Every single person will go through a period of time where he/she lacks self-confidence and/or has low self-esteem. You are not alone.
• Keep your head up, shoulders back, and a smile on your face!
• If someone points out something negative about you, just smile and say "Yes, I am aware of that." If you do not react to what they say, they will drop the subject and move on to something else.
• Listen to motivational speakers.
• Read some self-help books or blogs - there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself.
• Try energy tapping to help remove negative thoughts.
• You are beautiful!
• You have a reason for being here - find out what it is!