Enough Is Enough
As I sit in my chair at my desk I feel the room at a neutral temperature. I smell the burning candle sitting beside me and I feel the stillness of the quiet dark house. It is almost 7 in the morning. I can hear the distant cars rushing by on the street. The air outside feels cool and fresh. I AM HERE... RIGHT NOW. As I breath I visualize the air going in and out of my lungs. I rid myself of negativity by imagining a bright white light around my heart. I envision it as energy and let it engulf my every being. I imagine breathing in good energy and exhaling bad energy. This is my routine and has set me apart. I love doing this because it only takes a couple of minutes but has amazing results. I can do it anywhere and anytime I am feeling and unwanted emotion. I have to do this often and it becomes easier as time goes on.
Not many of us have been practicing this nor do we find it important. I never heard of this until last summer during my stay at a behavioral hospital. I learned mindfulness, which is one of the first things to learn of you want to live a purposeful life. They taught me the wisdom of how to obtain and practice these skills and I have never been the same since.
The feelings come in waves. For the last month I have been completely blind to my emotions. I was feeling things I have not in a while and I was unsure of how to handle it. I reacted in a way I regret, I admit that; but I never let myself sit with that emotion for long. That is how we never learn and grow. I let someone else dictate my feelings and I was unaware until I got a swift kick in the ass. I needed that. I woke up and began to realize the unhealthy pattern I was creating and I needed to get out. I let myself feel for someone and that destroyed me. I am not saying that love is bad, I am saying that love for the wrong person is bad. I could have grown callus and let that set me on a path of resentment, but I am and will never be that type of person. It works for some people but not for me. I refuse to turn off my feelings because I love what I have become because of it. I am not a light switch, I do not turn them on or off at will. Rather, I create paths and learn to channel the emotions with the right areas. I found that to be effective than shutting off. For example, I know myself and I know that I feel deeply and the emotions will always hit me hard. Instead of forcing myself not to feel I will channel them to where they should go that is healthy. I know I get angry, so I will use it as fuel. I know I get anxious, I use it as a tool to bring myself back and focus. I know I get depressed, I will use that as a motivation to start knew tasks. Life is a learning experience.
Yes I let this person destroy me, I let them dictate my mood. They will never see it as such, they did anything wrong and that does not matter. What matters is how I handled it. I used to grow cold and become angry, that is how I used to look at it. For what reason? Those are miserable feelings. I let myself fall to the bottom only to be surprised at how far I bounced back and how quickly. I was expected a lot harder of a hit but I was stunned to see how easy it was to let go. The mindful experiences could have played a major part in the emotions I felt this time apposed to what I would have felt a year ago. To get to the point, I face the pain and let it heal properly.
To get over any pain is to be present. It may not sound that important but if you really think about it, where is pain? When you think of the past or let yourself get full of regret. That is just harmful and useful. With this situation I allowed myself to feel the pain for only a couple of hours and then somehow I was able to let it fly away in the wind and move on. I see it as when someone breaks a bone and tries to ignore it, it will heal eventually, through a long painful process, but it will take longer and possibly heal wrong. What do you do when that happens? You go to the doctor and that bone has to be broken again and set right before it can heal properly. That is me at this present moment. I was just a broken bone healing crooked. I got broken again the other day and set right. It will always be extremely painful but in the end it will be ten times better than before. I was broken down raw and knew that it was going to happen, but did I let it keep me down. No! You never let things like that keep you down because situations like that are not worth it. In my situation it was a misunderstanding. I allowed myself to get a way that should have never happened. I entered a place I was never welcome. I knew what I was getting into and I did not care, I choose not to see it. I knew what was to come that eventually I would get hurt to heal. But I can say with confidence that I am far better now (Or I will be if I do not dwell on it) then I ever would have been living in a fairy tale.
To get to the point of this article, I could have never done this without the lessons learned from previous pain. That is why I bounced back, because it does not matter if you get hurt because life brings pain and it will happen, we just have to learn to deal with it rather than ignore it and hope it does not happen again. I will not ward myself off and be that person and says "I will never love again," I will certainly not resort back to the detrimental thoughts of unworthiness. I am enough and I am learning that slowly each day.
The point is the only way to let go of the past is to accept that it already happened and there is nothing to be done to change that. The only way to feel the emotion you want and be the best version of yourself is to be present to the moment. Be WHO you want to be, right now. Do not let the past dictate our future. What is done is done and we need to learn to move on. It does not matter how harsh that is, eventually we all come to a point in time when enough is enough.
© 2018 Vixen