- Aging & Longevity
More Jokes for Today's Senior Citizens
Good Clean Fun
I think humor is so important in our lives. We need to laugh for health, for happiness, for all the tragedy that comes into all our lives at one time or another. Without humor, live would be a sad affair. I think God invented humor and intended for us to exercise it regularly. I for one obey Him as often as I possibly can.
My sister is the story telling in the family. She is much loved and known in our little town. She has even done some stand up comedy in San Francisco and, of course, all the family reunions and anniversary parties. I, on the other hand, am shy and reserved; a wallflower. I think there are members of my family who don’t even know my name. Yet I love humor as much as the next guy. When I moved out of my hometown, I found a whole community of people who never heard of my sister. I meant I had a fighting chance with my own fame; so I began memorizing jokes to tell. I was sent from center to center, teaching watercolor to the senior citizens there and when everything got quite I would tell another joke. They actually loved them and thought I was quite the performer. Not in my own family but elsewhere, I guess I am.
Finding good CLEAN jokes has always been a priority for me. I find them and keep them, retelling them over and over. It is just too common to have people tell dirty jokes but a good CLEAN joke is of far more value to me. The world a really big place with lots of things to laugh at without having to get vulgar and gross. Here are just a few of my favorites.
Bumpy Roads well Traveled
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Youth is overrated
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
The Art of Joke Telling
Are you good at telling jokes?
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. When a camera comes near, my sister insists on the announcement being made: “Suck in,” so she can lift and tuck things. I figure now that time has passed for me. No amount of sucking in will help the sags and bags I carry. Now I can just smile and be comfortable.
80 Year Old Woman Amazing Dance
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
The Four Stages of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
$20 Talking Dog
A man was driving on a sleepy street when he spied a sign in a lawn that stated, “Talking Dog for Sale, $20.” This intrigued the man so he pulled over and walked up to the house. The door was answered by an elderly woman, who pointed out to the backyard when the man inquired about the dog. In the backyard, the man looked over the large German Shepherd dog, and finally said, “So you talk?”
“Oh, yeah,” the dog answered, “They found out I could talk when I was just a puppy, and immediately I was recruited by the CIA. They took me all over the world, placing me interrogation cells with terrorists and the like. You’d be surprised what people will say in front of a dog. I did that for years but finally got tired of all the traveling, so I came back here and got a job at the airport sniffing out bombs and drugs and such. I got married and three litters and, well, here I am.”
The man went back into the house and said, “I don’t understand. You’re selling THAT dog for only $20?”
The lady looked him in the eye and replied, “Oh yeah. That dog is a liar! He never did any of that stuff.”
One elderly gentleman painting with us often had been a detective before retiring. He told us once that he used to work undercover, sometimes infiltrating gangs to make narcotics busts. He had tattoos all over his arms because of that.
We often painted landscapes, seascapes, animals, birds, and sometimes flowers. On one particular day I brought a bright red Oriental poppy for us to paint. We all sat together and halfway through the painting, our undercover cop friend stood up and said we were all under arrest for possession of a controlled substance. It only took us a minute to realize he meant the opium poppies we were painting. He was a very funny guy.
So these two couples were having dinner together and after dinner the ladies get up and take the dishes into the kitchen. So the men go into the living room to talk. And the first man says to the second, “Yesterday, we went to that new restaurant, and I got to tell you, it was wonderful. I would highly recommend this new restaurant.”
“Really?” the second man says, “so what’s the name of it?”
The first man thinks and ponders, scratches his head and rubs his chin, opens his mouth to say something only to close it again and shake his head. Finally he says, “What’s the name of that flower? You know the one that’s red and has thorns?”
“You mean a rose?”
“That’s it,” the first man says relieved and turning toward the kitchen, he yells, “Hey Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Mrs. Haywood and her Joke
When I was a young girl, my family lived across the street from a sweet elderly widow and her dog, Lady. My mother was quite fond of this widow lady and would have us girls go over regularly to ask if she needed help with anything or to pick her fruit trees for her. Those were the days for respect. We knew her as Mrs. Haywood. I never knew if she HAD a first name because, well, it would be disrespectful to think of using it with our elders. She was always inviting us in and giving us "treats" that tasted strange. The strangest was her “sponge cake” that always seemed to be made with a real sponge, but my mother insisted we be polite and eat whatever she gave us. She had some antiques in the little garage room that we played with occasionally. Cupboards of miniature boxes of detergent and sugar and other household items. Also she had a number of antique school desks with the ink wells and seats attached.
Every two months or so she would come over and have my mother perm her hair. When she did mom sent us out because the “grown ups” were going to talk. She told jokes to my mother that she thought were not for young ears but were only the slightest bit blue. Her favorite was because my mother’s favorite color was lavender. She told the joke over and over, not remembering that she told it the last time and my mother never let on.
A 90-year-old lady went to a funeral home to prepare for her final resting place. All her family had passed before her and she was alone. She picked out her plot, casket and flowers, when the funeral director got to the small details. He then asked what she would like to wear in her final resting. She asked what was customary. Not knowing anything about the lady’s background, he said, “Well it is customary for a married woman to wear a lavender dress, but if she never married it is customary for a woman to wear a white dress.” The elderly woman thought about it for a few moments and said, “We better make it a white dress with a touch of lavender.”
After telling my mother this joke and thinking herself quite clever, this sweet lady always gave my mother birthday gifts with a touch of lavender. She was a very thoughtful woman and all three of my siblings and myself received a card for our birthdays with a crisp hot-ironed one-dollar bill in it. I didn’t think a lot about it at the time, but in later years I realized the sacrifice she made on a fixed income giving us one whole dollar each, every year till we moved away. And to go through the trouble of ironing the dollar so it would look new and crisp. She was very thoughtful.
Happy/ Pharrell Williams
A reporter interviews a 104 year old woman and asks “What’s the best thing about living to 104?” She said, “No peer pressure.”
So this elderly man is telling his neighbor over the fence about his new hearing aide. It cost him $4000 but it’s state of the art, and he can hear perfectly. “Really?” the neighbor says, “so what kind is it?”
The man replies, “It’s about twelve thirty.”
Married for Love
At a senior center where I work, there is an 80-year-old widower, Lou, who came regularly to paint in the watercolor class. For several weeks he missed the class because the bus brought him just late enough to see us clean up. We knew Lou was disappointed, so on this particular day, as we painted we were discussing possible solutions to his transportation problem. One of the widows, Betty, suggested she could pick him up if the bus could take him home. She wasn't sure where he lived and the others couldn't help. When he finally arrived, Betty jumped up immediately and approached him, suggesting she take him home so she would know where he lived. A shocked look came over Lou but then he collected himself and said calmly, "I have to be up-front with you. The first time I married for love and all I got was seven kids. This time I have to know, do you have money?"
I love hanging around my elders. They are full of life and have so many interesting stories to tell. They love to laugh and seen and heard it all. Don’t avoid the elderly. We are all going there someday. The only way out of it is to lay down and die now!