More Jokes for Today's Senior Citizens

I think humor is so important in our lives. We need to laugh for health, for happiness, for all the tragedy that comes into all our lives at one time or another. Without humor, life would be a sad affair. I think God invented humor and intended for us to exercise it regularly. I for one obey Him as often as I possibly can.

My sister is the storytelling in the family. She is much loved and known in our little town. She has even done some stand-up comedy in San Francisco and, of course, all the family reunions and anniversary parties. I, on the other hand, am shy and reserved; a wallflower. I think there are members of my family who don’t even know my name. Yet I love humor as much as the next guy. When I moved out of my hometown, I found a whole community of people who never heard of my sister. I meant I had a fighting chance with my own fame; so I began memorizing jokes to tell. I was sent from center to center, teaching watercolor to the senior citizens there and when everything got quiet I would tell another joke. They actually loved them and thought I was quite the performer. Not in my own family but elsewhere, I guess I am.

Finding good CLEAN jokes has always been a priority for me. I find them and keep them, retelling them over and over. It is just too common to have people tell dirty jokes but a good CLEAN joke is of far more value to me. The world a really big place with lots of things to laugh at without having to get vulgar and gross. Here are just a few of my favorites.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

A man was driving on a sleepy street when he spied a sign in a lawn that stated, “Talking Dog for Sale, $20.” This intrigued the man so he pulled over and walked up to the house. The door was answered by an elderly woman, who pointed out to the backyard when the man inquired about the dog. In the backyard, the man looked over the large German Shepherd dog, and finally said, “So you talk?”

“Oh, yeah,” the dog answered, “They found out I could talk when I was just a puppy, and immediately I was recruited by the CIA. They took me all over the world, placing me interrogation cells with terrorists and the like. You’d be surprised what people will say in front of a dog. I did that for years but finally got tired of all the traveling, so I came back here and got a job at the airport sniffing out bombs and drugs and such. I got married and three litters and, well, here I am.”

The man went back into the house and said, “I don’t understand. You’re selling THAT dog for only $20?”

The lady looked him in the eye and replied, “Oh yeah. That dog is a liar! He never did any of that stuff.”

One elderly gentleman painting with us often had been a detective before retiring. He told us once that he used to work undercover, sometimes infiltrating gangs to make narcotics busts. He had tattoos all over his arms because of that.

We often painted landscapes, seascapes, animals, birds, and sometimes flowers. On one particular day, I brought a bright red Oriental poppy for us to paint. We all sat together and halfway through the painting, our undercover cop friend stood up and said we were all under arrest for possession of a controlled substance. It only took us a minute to realize he meant the opium poppies we were painting. He was a very funny guy.

So these two couples were having dinner together and after dinner, the ladies get up and take the dishes into the kitchen. So the men go into the living room to talk. And the first man says to the second, “Yesterday, we went to that new restaurant, and I got to tell you, it was wonderful. I would highly recommend this new restaurant.”

“Really?” the second man says, “so what’s the name of it?”

The first man thinks and ponders, scratches his head and rubs his chin, opens his mouth to say something only to close it again and shake his head. Finally, he says, “What’s the name of that flower? You know the one that’s red and has thorns?”

“You mean a rose?”

“That’s it,” the first man says relieved and turning toward the kitchen, he yells, “Hey Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

A reporter interviews a 104-year-old woman and asks “What’s the best thing about living to 104?” She said, “No peer pressure.”

So this elderly man is telling his neighbor over the fence about his new hearing aide. It cost him $4000 but it’s state of the art, and he can hear perfectly. “Really?” the neighbor says, “so what kind is it?”

The man replies, “It’s about twelve-thirty.”

At a senior center where I work, there is an 80-year-old widower, Lou, who came regularly to paint in the watercolor class. For several weeks he missed the class because the bus brought him just late enough to see us clean up. We knew Lou was disappointed, so on this particular day, as we painted we were discussing possible solutions to his transportation problem. One of the widows, Betty, suggested she could pick him up if the bus could take him home. She wasn't sure where he lived and the others couldn't help. When he finally arrived, Betty jumped up immediately and approached him, suggesting she take him home so she would know where he lived. A shocked look came over Lou but then he collected himself and said calmly, "I have to be up-front with you. The first time I married for love and all I got was seven kids. This time I have to know, do you have money?"

I love hanging around my elders. They are full of life and have so many interesting stories to tell. They love to laugh and seen and heard it all. Don’t avoid the elderly. We are all going there someday. The only way out of it is to lay down and die now!