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Massage Therapy Gone Haywire

Updated on August 21, 2012

One Crazy Reiki Therapist

After my first massage session, you would have thought I'd had enough - but oddly - no!  Actually of necessity, after a few years I did end up going back.  There simply was no other way to treat my chronic muscular and tendon problems so I finally gave in and decided I would give it another try – as long as I did not have to go to Helga I thought I’d be okay. 

I had my friend recommend another therapist and lo and behold I found nirvana!  I had no idea massage was supposed to be like that!  She never rubbed my butt (the spot that I marked on the diagram with the big black X again) – she never did anything remotely painful to me and I began to believe that massage was the happiness I’d been looking for all my life – except that whole thing of being almost nude and having people rubbing on you with your clothes off that you weren't married to.  (Modesty isn’t a switch you can turn on and off here people!)

Over the years, I began to think that Helga was just a fluke – I even stopped calling her the Massage Nazi.  That whole scenario could never happen to me again because massage was magical – it was all things good.  Why when I left the massage sessions, I could move my arms without grimacing – I could walk without a limp – and I could definitely turn my head!  What miracle treatments these were!  I swore by massage and could not wait for my next one.  I began to feel like I was going through withdrawal if I didn’t get my massage on time – I was hooked! 

I even took it up a notch – I went away with my husband for a romantic weekend and I took a step outside the box – I tried a new massage therapist.  AND a new technique – gasp – is she mad you might ask?  I had heard rumblings about this new technique and I just had to try it for myself – so I was going to take a walk on the wild side.  It was called hot rock massage.  As I patiently explained to Bob on the way there ‘No idiot – it isn’t a massage of your genitals – it’s where they heat up flat rocks in hot water and then put them on you and move them around after time.  Then they massage where the heat has been’.  He wasn’t impressed – he said he liked the other idea better and this one sounded ‘just dumb’.  MEN! 

I decided though to let Bob be the guinea pig and have the first one – just in case it was in fact a massage for men’s genitals!  It did cross my mind that maybe I was wrong about that as when he got to the door of our room at the B&B, he was literally slithering down the doorjamb and could barely stand up.  Maybe it WAS his kind of massage!  Luckily, he informed me that he was just too relaxed (again it crossed my mind) – he had just had the most WONDERFUL massage ever (okay – so where’s the clue here that it wasn’t a genital massage).  He tells me that it was so wonderful that he has signed me up for an extra long one (well now maybe I’m starting to relax as she is certainly not going to be rubbing my genitals – oh god I HOPE NOT – didn’t she see the diagram???)

With a little trepidation, I went down to the massage room where I was pleasantly surprised – in fact in ecstasy within minutes.  There was no genital rubbing – although I kept wondering if there was some orgasm thing going on from these rocks that you were not aware of because it really did reduce you to silly putty!  I have never felt such a great thing as the hot rock massage….  Sigh – sigh – sigh…  not only was this gal such a great massage therapist, but the warmth from the rocks permeating your body along with the massage – oh it was just heaven.  No other way to describe it. 

When I was all done and she told me to get dressed, I was worse than Bob – I was just body jello that slipped off the table in a puddle and proceeded to bang my head into the picture on the opposite wall and knock the picture off.  Ms. Modesty was busily groping for the sheets to cover herself when the doors burst open and the therapist and the receptionist bolted in to see if I had knocked myself out! 

All that aside - from this experience I had gained confidence – I could go other places and get massages and I didn’t ever have to worry about it now.  I knew the protocol – I knew the drill – and most of all – I knew it was going to make me feel like rubber when I was done!  Perfect!  So when we went on vacation to Central Oregon, I decided what the heck – it’s vacation and why should I have to go into withdrawal waiting until I get back – what better way to start off a vacation than with a massage!  So I booked it danno – the day after we arrived at the little massage place deep in the heart of SunRiver, Oregon.  I was set! 

I entered the therapist’s office with confidence – I saw a bunch of signs pointing out her qualifications and that she knew Reiki which at the time I did not know much about – but hey – she was a massage therapist.  She had 2 hands, right?   Sadly, she did not have hot rock massage but she did not look Norwegian, Swedish or German – or above average in size with a moustache, so I figured I was in good hands - literally.  After undressing and climbing onto the table and settling myself, I heard her come in and she started talking about this and that.  I was thinking how nice it would be to just doze off for a bit as I was already SO relaxed because I was on vacation and here I was starting out my perfect vacation with the perfect thing – massage!  Sigh…..  I heard her talking and talking – I wasn’t quite used to this approach as mostly my therapists were quiet when they were massaging me and telling me to relax.  It seemed a little rude though not to pay attention so I mentally shook myself.  Always be polite!

All I remember was her saying something about the fact that she was an ex-bikini model – why was this important for me to know?  Are you saying something about my backside?  Are you trying to make me feel bad that I’m NOT an ex-bikini model?   And if you were so darned good at it, why aren’t you STILL a bikini model?  Did you get kicked out for a bad bikini – or you couldn’t cut the mustard?  It couldn’t have been that HARD after all now could it?  Are there like any tests for this position?

Okay – now I’m getting a little tense – why does she keep talking and talking about being a bikini model – did I mention I DON’T CARE???  Well, I thought I must say something and maybe that would get her off the subject so I said something benign like ‘that must have been nice’.  Maybe she didn’t like what I said – I have no clue!  Maybe she was remembering some slight that some OTHER bikini model did to her!  That looked a lot like me from behind!

Well, before I knew it, she grabs onto my left shoulder blade (here we go again) and she says ‘man oh man – you are SO messed up over here – did you know how tight your left side is?  That just won’t DO – we’ve GOT to get that worked out of there! I hope you don’t mind but I’m just going to concentrate on that side and forget the rest!’   Well, actually I do mind – been there, done this – PLEASE GOD NO! 

Well – too late – she has popped my little vacation bubble and I’m now full dead-on awake.  She has gone from my scapula/shoulder blade and she now has her hand poised in my left armpit.  She is muttering something about all this Reiki stuff and telling me how she knows just how to cure this for me – but I need to relax!!!  I think she practically shook me at this point – I was getting a little hysterical whether I was showing it or not.  She proceeds to shove me back down on the table and then she gives me the line I will remember for a lifetime…..'Okay – I’m going to exert some pressure here in your armpit and when the pain level gets to a level 9 or 10, let me know.'

Hmmmmm – well I let her know alright.  I swear to God before I had time to raise up on the table and do anything, she pressed so hard that her fingers came out my NOSE – I swear it – everything hurt – I cannot describe the pain.  Who in the name of God would press on someone’s armpit like that?   And who in their right mind would not hit her with the other arm and knock her out?   I wanted to – unfortunately I couldn’t move from the pain – I was literally CRYING.  Some massage therapy – some relaxation therapy – who says pain level during a frigging massage???  I want to know! 

Well, the crying must have brought her around to her senses – she muttered something about thinking I could take it – why – do I look like Warrior Woman to you?   I’m an old lady in shorts and a tee shirt – not tights and a cape!  I’m just laying there face down on the table sobbing quietly and she tells me that she was doing what was best for me – she was really sorry if it hurt, but she had to just loosen that up for me – whatever! 

Yeah, Ms. Bikini Model – oh – Ms. EX-Bikini Model – I hope you're happy because I’m probably going to be paralyzed on my left side now all the vacation – but hey – thanks!  Did I mention I was planning on river rafting and doing things that involved - oh say my ARMS?  Did you want a tip???  At least she didn’t touch my butt!  That’s all I can say. 

Another trip to the massage parlor made in heaven.  Again when I exited the room, there was Bob sitting quietly reading a magazine.  He didn’t at first notice that I was not using my left arm – AT ALL – or that I had tear streaks on my face.  However, when we got into the car and he started to turn over the engine I quietly said ‘could you please put my seat belt on?’  He says ‘sure but what’s wrong with you – your arm broken or something?’  I seriously almost hit him – I should have – just because.  So there it came – the bawling version of Audrey’s vacation torture chamber massage and the pain level of 9-10 and her fingers coming out my nose…… 

He laughed a little but then he got really mad – he told me I should march back in there and demand my money back for her hurting me but I didn’t do it – you just don’t mess with a bikini model – ex-bikini model.  I had a feeling she had a lot of tricks up her ….  Well bikini. 

Summing It Up

Again, always investigate the ‘style’ that your massage therapist is going to use – I would suggest in my case reviewing tapes and/or watching other people have a massage.  You can’t be too careful! I would also emphasize that you should bring mace or some kind of pepper spray  - just tuck it underneath the sheet and if the massage gets out of hand – don’t be afraid to use it!  No means NO!!!  And if anyone brings up that she or he is an ex-bikini model, you might have a problem.  Not sure what beast that unleashed for her in summoning up the memories but yikes!  I think she was trying to relocate my shoulder blade inside my nose. 

Of note though – strange but true – my arm did not hurt AT ALL about an hour or so later – when the feeling came back - nor did my shoulder blade  - nor did anything else – including my nose!  I hate to admit it but she may have been onto something – although I still vote NO for a pain level of 9-10 during a massage – call me crazy! 


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