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My life as a diagnosed depressed person

Updated on November 9, 2014

depression

I was never diagnosed with depression until I was living on my own for the first time when I was 48. I had been a caregiver and there for my parents. I always put me on the back burner and I never put my needs first. I had to go to the doctor for a sinus infection and my girlfriend went with me. I have cataracts on my eyes so I had to have her fill out the papers because I couldn't see small print. I can still drive. Well there was a page that asked how I slept and she asked me when the last time was I had a full meal and when had I slept all night. I said not in so long that I couldn't remember. She wrote this on the form.

When she and I went back to the room, the doctor came in and he was worried about my diet and depression. I told him that I thought depression meant I would cry all the time. He told me no that the two symptoms I had signaled that I had it. He asked me a lot of questions and then set me up to see a counselor. This was a surprise to me.

When I went to see the counselor, we found that I had a number of things that needed to be worked on. I told him that I felt guilty because my father had Alzheimer's. He told me I was not responsible for it. I told him I should have been able to see it coming. He told me that that was typical for a caregiver of this disease. After many visits we decided that I needed medications because talking wasn't helping. I then got a counselor who could prescribe medications. The first three they tried on me all gave me reactions. Then they found Cymbalta and Abilify. After she saw the stress that my father's disease put me under she prescribed Xanax.

I was able to continue to work at my job as a caregiver for another lady. This was no problem except for the boss who I had problems with. The counselor tried to get me to deal with this boss and finally she told me it would be best if I quit this job. I did and the anxiety did go down. I worked part time for my girlfriends. We found out after weeks of counseling that I had ADHD. anxiety, and depression. I am currently being treated for the depression and anxiety.

I had always seen on my report cards that I needed to pay attention. Guess I had ADD all my life. I am thinking of going back to college now to learn a trade in my life. I need more in my life than being a wife and still my father's caregiver.

My mother when I was young realized there was something wrong with my attention span but never did anything to it. When I was eleven I had to see a school counselor because of the fact I would not talk to one boy in school. Why should I talk to him in school? He only lived three trailers away from me and we talked at home. The counselor told me that it was my parents fault. The counselor told me it was my father's fault because he was gone on his job as a OTR driver and never around. He said it was my mother's fault because she tried too hard to be both parents. I promised when I grew up I would never be like either one. I have did my best to be true to this. I am still a caregiver to my father. who is in a nursing facility, he has Alzheimer's. I can't make him my whole life as it would do harm to me.

I still am dealing with a lot of things in my life which have caused the depression but I am finding comfort through my friends and my husband. I go to counseling regularly and I was told that sooner or later, I would find memories that would hurt. I told my husband recently that I wanted to quit because the memories were beginning to hurt. I didn't want to have anymore of the pain. I wanted to forget. He told me the decision was up to me. A girlfriend was not so good with the decision. She told me that I was close to a breakthrough and it would be something that would really hurt but I could deal with it. I have decided that yes I will continue my counseling to deal with my memories and because of it become a better person.


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