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Nursing Home Hotties

Updated on May 21, 2013

My friend Tess and I have been best friends since, well, since it's been too long to remember when. We've seen each other through divorces, wayward children, shared deaths of our furry children (RIP Molly and Rico), her remarriage (love ya. Eduardo!), my non-remarriage, but several relationships gone bad, many Halloweens (our favorite holiday!), and countless other triumphs and tragedies.

I know Mexican food makes her stomach flip out and she knows those little Japanese sushi rolls turn mine. We both love vintage clothes and even though I would never get a tattoo,I support her right to get a gi-normous one on her forearm. Even though it is the size of a small boat. Heck, it's her arm. If she wanted to streak her hair magenta (and she has!), I'd support it.

Opposites Attract

We couldn't be more opposite. She's cute and short, I'm lanky and tall, she has jet black hair, and I have blonde. But one thing we both know is we'll be friends for life. We've shopped together, laughed together, sewed together, gotten drunk together, and cried together. And, we've decided, we might as well die together.

Yes, I know it sounds morbid to be thinking this far in advance, but even though we're still hot (at least in our minds and that's all that matters...duh!), we have to face the fact that we're not getting any younger. I won't say that o-word, because Tess and I steadfastly refuse to be that which is probably why every Halloween, we can be found wearing something ridiculously too young for us along with our staple, fishnet stockings and high heels.

But while we're facing facts, we also have to face the fact that women usually outlive men (sorry, Eduardo) and I have about as much possibility of getting remarried as I do getting hit by a train, Once again, it will be Tess and I, the two amigas alone. Although we're not going without a fight, we have decided if we have to face the dreaded nursing home (gasp!), we're going to do it in style. And we'll make sure to leave our mark on the entire nursing home administration long after we're dead and gone.


Be Kind To Your Kids...They'll Choose Your Nursing Home!

We've nominated my son, Cody, to make all the arrangements for our stay in the ritziest nursing home he can find. Cody, we figure has the only really tender heart out of all five of our collective children as opposed to the other four who would just give us a tin cup and tell us to hit the road.

He'll search and search till he finds a home suitable for women of our stature...the one with the indoor pool and the pedicures and the hottest octogenarians. It's got to have an on-site beauty salon, because Tess swears that when she's old, she's gonna dye her jet black hair fire engine red and of course, I will need a stylist to keep my lovely blonde locks touchably soft and not turning that horrible wirey white. It will also have to have an on-site podiatrist, because Tess and I also swear we're never giving up our 3 and 4-inch heels and I could see our feet turning all kinds of ugly by the time we're 80 if we keep that up.

Grow Old With Me...

Recreational Therapy...Let The Games Begin

The two of us will set those activity therapists back on their out of touch ears as we organize games of Bed Pan Beer Pong, Wheelchair Races, and Walker Gymnastics. Cocktail hour will begin promptly at 1:00 p.m. Also at 3:00, 5:00, 7:00, and 9:00 p.m. Not to mention morning mimosas at 11:00 a.m. when we get up. And none of that going to bed at 7:00 p.m. stuff, either! That's when we'll be getting dressed for the nightly dance parties in the activity room, so they should just start hanging that disco ball right now!

And they better not pass off those goober banjo players from Buffalo Bill's Pickin' Parlor as entertainment either, We want quality stuff on a weekly basis. The Chippendale's all male dance revue would be great! And forget that knitting circle! We never learned to knit and we're too freakin' old to start now! We want pole dancing or belly dancing lessons. And seminars on Sex After Seventy.

Sex After Seventy?

Yes, we'll be the ring leaders of all the fun, frolic and gaiety at the home. And speaking of the fun and frolic aspect, it better not be one of those nursing homes where the women outnumber the men by 4:1 or that administration better get crackin' on importing some cuties for our amusement. We only want hottie doctors, too. That Dr. McDreamy guy on t.v. would be good. After the last cocktail hour of the night, we'll be hanging that "Do not Disturb" sign on our door, so you stupid nurses better not be trotting in with our meds or to check our blood pressure or you might be seeing things you wish you'd never saw! The next morning, make sure Tess and I are side by side hooked up to those IV bags to help us get over our hangovers.

When the end is near for me and Tess, as we know it surely will despite our L'Oreal Thermogenesis Anti-Aging cream, they'd better make sure our hair is colored, no white roots, and we're all made up (Ravishing Red for Tess and Coral Cutie for me). We want our beds lined up side by side, so we can hold hands as we enter the great hereafter. And Tess will turn to me and say, "I remember remind me of my what the hell was her name...? Anyway, we sure had some good times............"


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    • Tess45 profile image

      Tess45 5 years ago from South Carolina

      I just came back to reread this too. Teehee. We're such badasses!

    • DIYweddingplanner profile image

      DIYweddingplanner 5 years ago from South Carolina, USA

      HomeStead, I think you'd be hard pressed to find two like us, in a nursing home or out!

    • homesteadbound profile image

      Cindy Murdoch 5 years ago from Texas

      How fun. I have a business that works with the elderly, and I have been an activity director in a nursing home, and I would love to have two like you. What fun!

    • DIYweddingplanner profile image

      DIYweddingplanner 5 years ago from South Carolina, USA

      I agree, Carol. Too bad we can't all take our best friends with us to the nursing home, To heck with aging gracefully, we just want to have fun doing it!

    • carol7777 profile image

      carol stanley 5 years ago from Arizona

      What fun...Great job and I got a good laugh. And a good laugh is what all of us need at any age.

    • DIYweddingplanner profile image

      DIYweddingplanner 5 years ago from South Carolina, USA

      Sharyn, so glad you found it, too, because it gave me a chance to reread it and fall in love with my friend, Tess, all over again! Sunnie, we still talk about this and Cody is getting older now and says he's going to keep us both at home. Where's the fun in that, we want to build a DYNASTY! Thank you, Julie, and to all of you ladies, getting older doesn't mean the fun needs to stop. And if we could convince some hot young guys if that, so much the better!

    • profile image

      Sunnie Day 5 years ago

      This was terrific filled with so much fun! Forget living with the kids, I want to go where you ladies will be..hehe...I agree...there needs to be some joy, spunk, and life moving around in the home, and it starts with one and I am sure will be contagious.

      Thanks for a great read,


    • Julie DeNeen profile image

      Blurter of Indiscretions 5 years ago from Clinton CT

      This was hilarious!

    • Sharyn's Slant profile image

      Sharon Smith 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

      I am so glad I ran across this. It was suggested at the bottom of my hub on how to find a good nursing home. I was giggling all the way through this. It would be so cool that if we did have to go to a nursing home, that we could do "the move" with our best friend. I would love that. Gonna share this in a few places, really fun read!


    • DIYweddingplanner profile image

      DIYweddingplanner 7 years ago from South Carolina, USA

      Thanks, Denise. Maybe I'll see you around the home!

    • Denise Handlon profile image

      Denise Handlon 7 years ago from North Carolina

      F U N N Y Great sense of humor girl! LOL loved it.

    • DIYweddingplanner profile image

      DIYweddingplanner 7 years ago from South Carolina, USA

      Love you to pieces, Tess!

    • profile image

      Tess 7 years ago

      I love you!

    • DIYweddingplanner profile image

      DIYweddingplanner 7 years ago from South Carolina, USA

      Thanks, Jennefis. If you have to go, you might as well go in style!

    • Jennifis profile image

      Jennifis 7 years ago

      Wonderful. This blog put a smile and my ordinarily dreary face. My dearest friend and I have similar plans of going out golden girls style.