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Phoenix Rises … Again

Updated on December 30, 2011

She’d been toying with the idea, letting it tumble around with all of the other thoughts that whizzed through her mind at neck breaking speeds. Why should she bother? What would it matter? But then again, why shouldn’t she, it might make a difference.

Lynn was clawing her way out of the dark tunnel of another bout of Clinical Depression, her journey bringing her, inches at a time, toward the dim light she tried to focus upon. This had been a tough one, a gut wrenching amount of anxiety, and flashbacks of nearly every wrong decision she had ever made had accompanied the crushing emptiness. Oh, and the fury that singed every molecule of her being – it had almost consumed her this time.

There had been very real threats, her husband was extremely ill and she had become his caretaker. Her daughter and granddaughter were calling her multiple times a day, each using her as an outlet for venting their complete frustration with their strained relationship. Her son had given her some very disturbing news that brought back old memories of her abusive, insane relationship to his father and, always, their finances kept them just one paycheck away from losing their home.

The actual pressures had finally taken their toll and her medications for Depression and Anxiety were just not able to keep up. She felt herself slipping down, slowly sliding into the quicksand that would hold her captive and this time she truly entertained the thought of not fighting. To sink into the blackness, no more pain, just rest and an absence of responsibility sounded so very tempting. This had happened before but the guilt that had been engrained in her from the time she was a toddler had always pulled her back. Her mother had suffered terribly from an undiagnosed mental illness, probably manic depressive disorder and a host of personality disorders thrown in the mix and she drained her children and six husbands before she finally gave up and died. Lynn was her rock, she didn’t know what she’d do without her and at the age of ten when your Mother is crying over the bills she had written neatly on a piece of paper, showing the young girl that they could not survive even another week, being the strong one was a very serious role to assume. And it served the people well that she was drawn to later in life. It was an easy step from guilt to worthlessness and being the “crazy bitch” who was the cause of all of the problems; with the marriage, the children, the finances, her – her in general, never being enough.

Lynn spent a couple of years with a therapist sorting out this quagmire that had been her life and for a time she did well. She found a healthy, loving relationship, and tried to repair years of damage that her children had suffered because of her dysfunctional life. For the first time in her life she had a partner, one to share the load. They lived a modest but comfortable life and she was able to do things for her children and her first grandchild that she hadn’t been able to do for her own when they were growing up. Life was not without trials, but it was better than she could remember it ever being and for once, for a while, she felt complete and completely good enough. And then began a tragedy that would slowly eat away at the foundation of her life, more profoundly felt this time because she had let down her guard, she had trusted and believed.

But that was another time and another story. It will be written, when it’s time.

Oh, and the big decision being contemplated as we entered this tale? Lynn broke the budget and treated herself to a haircut and an eyebrow wax! She hadn’t had a professional haircut in over and year and had never had an eyebrow wax … what utter foolishness and a waste of money, all too hard to come by.

Story by Poohgranma

Commentary by Phoenix

(If that is confusing to you, please read my bio for an explanation)

Author is a sixty year old ,seventy five pound overweight, lady who just had ten inches of hair cut off and is not too displeased!
Author is a sixty year old ,seventy five pound overweight, lady who just had ten inches of hair cut off and is not too displeased!

Hi there, Phoenix here. Long time now since I’ve been “loosed”, shall we say, enough to put my two cents worth in one of Pooh’s writings. I’ve done some writing of my own and if you follow, you may have been able to distinguish what I’ve had to say, whole articles and thoughts interjected.

Now, this is what I have to say and I’m confident that it can be of use if you’ll heed my words.

Pooh has been reading self affirmation quotes until I could, personally, vomit! It was while reading some of those that these things struck me. We’ve all heard, in a thousand and one variances, “What if you were to die tomorrow?”

Yeah? Well what if you don’t? You can’t count on these things. There’s a high probability, in fact, that you won’t so don’t get all excited. Oh, for those of you normal people, let me explain. Depressives don’t necessarily process information in the same way as you folks do. An extreme Depressive reads,” what if you die tomorrow?” and is incredibly relieved, the pressure has been lifted, there’s something to look forward to. There is hope!

No, I say this. You probably aren’t going to die tomorrow or get much relief, so if there is ANYthing that is not illegal, immoral or hurtful to another being – spend your last amount of energy on it now. Don’t wait until you feel better, don’t wait until the sun is shining (it won’t matter anyway) and don’t always put the other person in your life first. You put God first, others need to wait their turn and this time it is your turn. Do it when you’re ugly, overweight, underweight, have to hide cutting scars. Do it even though it doesn’t seem like much and especially if it feels like too much, to use on yourself or do for yourself. If you’re prone towards feelings of guilt, you’re going to feel them anyway so do it. Heck, after blowing all the money in the haircut and eyebrow wax, I rented a movie for $.99 on Amazon and watched it by myself last night. Slept like a baby and woke up feeling just fine about the whole deal.

And finally and most importantly, don’t ever try to do it in your own strength. Any of it. You pray for God’s strength and He will deliver. If you don’t know God, introduce yourself or find someone or something to introduce you. If you don’t believe in Him, that’s o.k. … He believes in you.

See you around!



Submit a Comment
  • Poohgranma profile imageAUTHOR


    6 years ago from On the edge

    Leni, MT, DeBorrah and homestead - I have been remiss in checking my hubs for comments or have somehow missed them. I am sorry. All of your comments and the time you spend reading mean a great deal to me.

    I am triumphant in Christ only, in my on strength I am less than nothing, a babe in the wild ready to be devoured. Thank God in Heaven I was able to lose the bad experiences I had as a child with "church" and false Christians and find my way back to our Lord. Peace and love to all of you!

  • homesteadbound profile image

    Cindy Murdoch 

    6 years ago from Texas

    I can relate so well to both Poohgranma and with Phoenix - it is amzing. This was a powerfully written piece that explains depression so well.

  • DeBorrah K. Ogans profile image

    DeBorrah K Ogans 

    7 years ago

    Poohgranma, This is well written! There is such a depth to Lynn's character... Her emotions expressed here are heartfelt! You have also given us a partial glimpse of some of what one experiences during Depression & Anxiety through her! May the Phoenix continue to rise...

    You have been a real trooper! Blessings to You and Gary! And Yes; "You pray for God’s strength and He will deliver!' AMEN!

    Thank you for sharing and may you be encouraged to bring forth your gift! In HIS Love, Grace, Joy, Peace & Blessings!

  • Minnetonka Twin profile image

    Linda Rogers 

    7 years ago from Minnesota

    Happy Happy New Year Pooh and Phoenix. As always, I am deeply moved by your writing and walking us through these experiences. I am so glad you gave yourself permission to go get a haircut and eyebrow wax. You look great! I know life can be a hellish struggle with depression-I know first hand and I'm glad Phoenix's attitude helped you get out and do something for yourself, even if you didn't have a lot of energy to do it. I think of you often even if I'm not on hanging out on Hubpages. You are a very beautiful person and the strength you have shown in your life journey, truly inspires me. Hub Hugs my friend :-)

  • leni sands profile image

    Leni Sands 

    7 years ago from UK

    An incredible interesting hub. My mother suffered from depression almost all my life and as a result I fight hard against it when I feel it creeping up on me, sometimes I win sometimes I lose, I can relate to everything you say in your hub. Thank you for writing it. Voted up!

  • Poohgranma profile imageAUTHOR


    7 years ago from On the edge

    @ skye2day - How very kind of you to follow me here from star's hub. He is one of a kind and has a true heart for God and for mankind! He is one of my favorite people and I always enjoy hearing about him and his family.

    @mythicalstorm273 - I'm very happy to know you are in an amazing part of your life! I am too, in a way, but maybe not a very happy one. Still there is beauty to be found everywhere if we can push through circumstances and appreciate it. Kindness is a beautiful thing and you just sparkle with it. You have lightened my mood with your comments and my heart with your sincerity. I sincerely thank you!

  • mythicalstorm273 profile image


    7 years ago

    I'm not even really sure to say about this. It brings back painful memories of my own. Your description of depression is so potent. Really I'm speechless. I'm lost in memory that I probably don't want to be lost in, but right now I am in an AMAZING part of my life and I have enough to bring me out of the bad memories. Still I can never forget because I am who I am through all of my experiences. I also appreciate the days like today when everything seems wonderful because of the past. Still every time the bad days hit it gets very difficult to get out of them... sometimes just giving in seems too appealing! Wow... just the way you wrote this really is touching. Everybody has their own experiences and their own problems, but that doesn't make it any easier to get over the issue of depression. I could really give this a lot of praise. Bringing up a real issue and exposing it in such a direct manner is a very impressive feat! Really really good job.

  • skye2day profile image


    7 years ago from Rocky Mountains

    precious pooh and phoenix I was led here by a most Blessed comment you left stars439. He is so precious indeed. Anyway I am moved and touched with your honesty and heartfelt love sister. You know it girl GOD needs to be numero uno! The more we know Him the more we want Him to be number one! He is Almighty God. There is nothing He can not do for us. In these most perilous times I find that the constant contact with Him is my all. It is not always easy but we have a Savior that so loves us and cares more then our finite minds can muster. When God be for us who can be against us. I love your writing and GOD is using you to touch so many. You keep on sister. Love the new hairdoo by the way.

    Love you in Christ sister. Hugs Galore. I have joined your host of fans. Honored to follow you.

  • Poohgranma profile imageAUTHOR


    7 years ago from On the edge

    Oh Dusty - don't you just LOVE it when a complete novice decides they're gonna help you? True enough, if they'd take a minute to do the research there would be no need for our blood pressure rising and us choking on words we'd like to spit in their cute young faces, but wont, because we promised God to try to do better ... Ah, I guess they mean well, maybe.

    But I know what you mean about knowing better than to corner you. It can get just plain fugly when someone does that to me. If they'd look at the four inch thick file in front of them it just might be a clue that at 60, there's probably not much that hasn't been uncovered, discussed and re-hashed. Just give me the prescription unless there's some new miracle drug to try and let me back out into the air that doesn't smell of condescending smiles! LOL

  • 50 Caliber profile image

    50 Caliber 

    7 years ago from Arizona

    Sher, an interesting read, can't help but reflect on a bit and understand even a bit more. Being called "childish and lacking a good grounding in having people instead of animals around me" Made me guffaw in the face of the shrink. What should have pissed me off got him, a youngster who never learned not to piss in the wind, much less have clue why I am me. It was my first sit down and this youngster had his degree hanging on the wall at the VA, what I didn't see was a discharge from any branch of the armed forces in or out of war time. He entered as I was finishing my walk in his office having already rifled his desk for clues. He was a rich mans boy, who went to college, I was a poor mans boy who went to college after multiple enlistments as a Marine who lives in the guise of PTSD and what he needed to do was fill out the script, bid me a good day, instead he decided after a quick look at my chart he found all good things, but he didn't bother going back far enough to know not to try and corner me, or be super guy and tell me what I need after 10 minutes. I'll stop here as the details get ridiculous. I know that from your writing the need for us to "seek first, the kingdom" every day is to live a fairly tranquil life even when diversity strikes, the realization that a few of us just drop dead, most of us don't, and the right things will fit us into a great day, rain or shine.


    Blessings and Love,


  • Poohgranma profile imageAUTHOR


    7 years ago from On the edge

    Thank-you for reading Sharyn and for your kind comments. Maybe not beautiful on the outside any more but growing more so on the inside the closer I get to God!!! :)

  • Sharyn's Slant profile image

    Sharon Smith 

    7 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

    Hi Pooh,

    I love your writing. And I was so happy to see your picture. Beautiful! Wishing you a peaceful new year!


  • Poohgranma profile imageAUTHOR


    7 years ago from On the edge

    And to you Vicki. I hope this coming year brings healing, good health and all that you could want or need.

  • baygirl33 profile image


    7 years ago from Hamilton On.

    Nice hub Pooh!

    Happy New Year to you and yours.


  • Poohgranma profile imageAUTHOR


    7 years ago from On the edge

    Happy New Year dear Genna. We (Phoenix and Pooh) will step into this new year as one would enter a steaming hot bath, inviting, but probably requiring a bit of caution. We will live each day of this new year, unlike the one quickly passing away. I wish you the very best life has to offer and then some for the coming year - you deserve it all and more! Blessings!

  • Genna East profile image

    Genna East 

    7 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

    I know I’ve said this before, but your well-written and fascinating hubs are so candid and unique, they are breath of fresh air. Kudos, dear friend...I am just so pleased to read your words and to know that you will keep writing. Happy New Year, and hugs! :-)

  • Poohgranma profile imageAUTHOR


    7 years ago from On the edge

    Thank you my friend Q - it is really easy to care for now!

  • QudsiaP1 profile image


    7 years ago

    Pooh, love the new haircut on you! :P

    *hugs and kisses

  • stars439 profile image


    7 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

    Dear Phoenix : It is great to see you writing again like Hyphenbird has said. You write so well. God Bless You Precious heart, and wishing you,and Gary a Happy New Year. Your picture is awesome.

  • Hyphenbird profile image

    Brenda Barnes 

    7 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

    Amen Pooh. God believes in us and knows we can fly. After all He created the incredible human being. Your photo is lovely and it is great to see you writing again.


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