Phoenix Rises … Again

She’d been toying with the idea, letting it tumble around with all of the other thoughts that whizzed through her mind at neck breaking speeds. Why should she bother? What would it matter? But then again, why shouldn’t she, it might make a difference.

Lynn was clawing her way out of the dark tunnel of another bout of Clinical Depression, her journey bringing her, inches at a time, toward the dim light she tried to focus upon. This had been a tough one, a gut wrenching amount of anxiety, and flashbacks of nearly every wrong decision she had ever made had accompanied the crushing emptiness. Oh, and the fury that singed every molecule of her being – it had almost consumed her this time.

There had been very real threats, her husband was extremely ill and she had become his caretaker. Her daughter and granddaughter were calling her multiple times a day, each using her as an outlet for venting their complete frustration with their strained relationship. Her son had given her some very disturbing news that brought back old memories of her abusive, insane relationship to his father and, always, their finances kept them just one paycheck away from losing their home.

The actual pressures had finally taken their toll and her medications for Depression and Anxiety were just not able to keep up. She felt herself slipping down, slowly sliding into the quicksand that would hold her captive and this time she truly entertained the thought of not fighting. To sink into the blackness, no more pain, just rest and an absence of responsibility sounded so very tempting. This had happened before but the guilt that had been engrained in her from the time she was a toddler had always pulled her back. Her mother had suffered terribly from an undiagnosed mental illness, probably manic depressive disorder and a host of personality disorders thrown in the mix and she drained her children and six husbands before she finally gave up and died. Lynn was her rock, she didn’t know what she’d do without her and at the age of ten when your Mother is crying over the bills she had written neatly on a piece of paper, showing the young girl that they could not survive even another week, being the strong one was a very serious role to assume. And it served the people well that she was drawn to later in life. It was an easy step from guilt to worthlessness and being the “crazy bitch” who was the cause of all of the problems; with the marriage, the children, the finances, her – her in general, never being enough.

Lynn spent a couple of years with a therapist sorting out this quagmire that had been her life and for a time she did well. She found a healthy, loving relationship, and tried to repair years of damage that her children had suffered because of her dysfunctional life. For the first time in her life she had a partner, one to share the load. They lived a modest but comfortable life and she was able to do things for her children and her first grandchild that she hadn’t been able to do for her own when they were growing up. Life was not without trials, but it was better than she could remember it ever being and for once, for a while, she felt complete and completely good enough. And then began a tragedy that would slowly eat away at the foundation of her life, more profoundly felt this time because she had let down her guard, she had trusted and believed.

But that was another time and another story. It will be written, when it’s time.

Oh, and the big decision being contemplated as we entered this tale? Lynn broke the budget and treated herself to a haircut and an eyebrow wax! She hadn’t had a professional haircut in over and year and had never had an eyebrow wax … what utter foolishness and a waste of money, all too hard to come by.

Story by Poohgranma

Commentary by Phoenix

(If that is confusing to you, please read my bio for an explanation)

Hi there, Phoenix here. Long time now since I’ve been “loosed”, shall we say, enough to put my two cents worth in one of Pooh’s writings. I’ve done some writing of my own and if you follow, you may have been able to distinguish what I’ve had to say, whole articles and thoughts interjected.

Now, this is what I have to say and I’m confident that it can be of use if you’ll heed my words.

Pooh has been reading self affirmation quotes until I could, personally, vomit! It was while reading some of those that these things struck me. We’ve all heard, in a thousand and one variances, “What if you were to die tomorrow?”

Yeah? Well what if you don’t? You can’t count on these things. There’s a high probability, in fact, that you won’t so don’t get all excited. Oh, for those of you normal people, let me explain. Depressives don’t necessarily process information in the same way as you folks do. An extreme Depressive reads,” what if you die tomorrow?” and is incredibly relieved, the pressure has been lifted, there’s something to look forward to. There is hope!

No, I say this. You probably aren’t going to die tomorrow or get much relief, so if there is ANYthing that is not illegal, immoral or hurtful to another being – spend your last amount of energy on it now. Don’t wait until you feel better, don’t wait until the sun is shining (it won’t matter anyway) and don’t always put the other person in your life first. You put God first, others need to wait their turn and this time it is your turn. Do it when you’re ugly, overweight, underweight, have to hide cutting scars. Do it even though it doesn’t seem like much and especially if it feels like too much, to use on yourself or do for yourself. If you’re prone towards feelings of guilt, you’re going to feel them anyway so do it. Heck, after blowing all the money in the haircut and eyebrow wax, I rented a movie for $.99 on Amazon and watched it by myself last night. Slept like a baby and woke up feeling just fine about the whole deal.

And finally and most importantly, don’t ever try to do it in your own strength. Any of it. You pray for God’s strength and He will deliver. If you don’t know God, introduce yourself or find someone or something to introduce you. If you don’t believe in Him, that’s o.k. … He believes in you.

See you around!

Phoenix