Poetry: A New Me

This is a poem I wrote after being a victim of rape (by a couple of boys who WERE my friends, no more). The point I admitted how much the experience changed me.

I have been lost and replaced by someone who is only half of myself.

The very core of myself has been changed,

it has gone somewhere and I don't think it's coming back.

What is there to do with half a person?

Feelings pour out of me without any consent, and with no intent to let up.

Sleep evades me nightly, but eventually comes with the daylight.

Fear is a constant in this life of mine, second only to the emptiness of nothing,

and the stab of suspiciousness.

Always second guessing, never trusting that first feeling,

Or thought, or reacton.

Being a confident person in person, falling apart behind the curtains.

Always, always being on guard.

How tiring is this life of mine?

Maybe a double edged sword of my own,

something that can not be evaded,

Only delt with as it comes.

The feeling of not being in control...of myself.

This is something that cannot be explained, only felt and observed.

A close eye is the only eye that can catch these things,

or perhaps, that is completely untrue.

Help is a simple word...but with what meaning does it come?

Will it really heal, and help, and give surviving as a gift?

Will it give me myself back, take the nothing away, or give me what I've lost?

I could only imagine all the possabilities, but only one reality.