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Redefining Friendship

Updated on November 19, 2011

Letting go of old friends

Redefining friendship

When you change, often the types of friends you have will also change. These past few years have been a major turning point for me. There have been many changes, and I tend to resist change. However, knowing there was a need to implement a new direction in my life gave me the strength to move forward. In many ways I would have to admit that these past three years I have experienced my own death. It of course was not a physical death, but a death of who I was. There were several areas that proved to be the hardest when it came to changing them. One of those was redefining what I needed in a friend.

I have put a lot of effort in not going to friends regarding any problem I was experiencing. My reasoning behind that was two-fold. First I was purposely attempting to stay in a positive mindset, even during times of crises. Second there really was not anything anyone can do. When our focus is to stay positive, it is important to not have a lot of communication that consisted of complaining about life. It is way too easy to fall into the negative swamp of life, if our minds are everyday hearing about others problems, plus listening to our own negative self-talk. At that time, my career was a psychic, so that added also to the swamp of negativity. People do not call a psychic because they are happy. Self-pity seems to plague a lot of people because others do not do as they want them too, even God. Very seldom did I hear someone take responsibility for their life, instead that person or those people were making them miserable. A common belief was; If only they would change then their life would be so much better. This is very common trait of people, and one trait I was trying to eliminate.

It was during this period of time I began to sense something in me. It was a new need. There was growing a thirst to talk with people who actually enjoyed life. Who had a passion for living, even amidst their own crises. My thirst to be around those who did not have tunnel vision began to grow. They did not spend time constantly complaining. They actually enjoyed life. I knew this existed because I have met a few in these past few years. We could talk about the problems we were encountering, but the blaming others was absent. We instead looked for solutions verses self-pity. These people could also talk about a variety of topics, and often did. A visit via in person, phone or internet did not consist of 98% of the time speaking about our problems. If there was a situation affecting us, it was addressed minus self-pity, blame and the rest of the drama. We sought solutions, and then went on to another topic of interest. This showed me how to visit a friend without feeling tired and drained when the visit was over.

There came a point where I have to rethink how I use to befriend others. For I believe it is what we give to a friendship that we get returned in some fashion. The majority of people would contact me when in crises. Sometimes looking for an answer from Spirit and hoping I could give it or just some information on these areas that I knew. I use to try my best to be available to help my friends. Seldom did any call just to chat about areas that they were passionate about. Topics of everyday activity, recipes, something funny happening to them, a pleasantry was very seldom shared with me. There would be many times I would go for months and not hear from someone, but when they needed answers they would email me. I cannot blame them, for I permitted it. It though had taken its’ toll on me, and I knew this was occurring these past few years. I realized I had to change something in me to put healthy boundaries for myself. There was one value I had to readjust. I had to understand I did not need to save the world. I did not need to always be available for a friend, if I felt it was unhealthy for myself. This admittedly proved to be difficult. Guilt does a lot to a person, but being a friend through guilt is not being a friend.

Friendship is priceless gift and one that I do not like to let go of, but there comes a time when our definition of a friend changes. Our needs change as well in the exchange between two people. If you have found this is happening to you, hang in there. It is hard to go through. I suggest you not blame your friends, for their actions you have permitted. You will need to set boundaries for yourself. You will most likely spend a lot of time alone, but the cost is less than trying to fit into something you have out grown. You are not a bad person either to say no and set boundaries. Your life is important. Each day you are given the responsibility to write a new page, so be selective on what you will create for that day. Simply, sometimes we just cannot fit the needs of another for the type of friend they need. Neither you or they are to blame for that, it is just the part of life.


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    • Tillie's Tales profile image

      Tillie's Tales 3 years ago from India

      Dear Renee

      A very thoughtful and thought provoking hub. As you go through life, situations change and so do you. As do your "friends". So new mixes and matches are inevitable. You, therefore, move on to/with others who are more "in sync" with the new you. Which doesn't mean you are rejecting your old friends. Its just that you're accepting the new person you have evolved into.

      And as an old friend pointed out years ago, "every relationship has a shelf life"!

      So move on without guilt, cherish the old and enjoy the new.

    • Renee Abbott profile image

      Renee Abbott 5 years ago from Arizona

      You are more than welcome Jenee

    • profile image

      Jenee 5 years ago

      This is just what I have been looking for. Thanks, I needed the confirmation. =0)