Runaway Train- Soul Asylum
This is the song that came on Slacker Radio. It's not that random since I was listening to my favorites I selected over time. But, the songs that come up are randomly selected, so, in the words of Forrest Gump, "you never know what you're gonna get."
This song triggered my memories of past depression. All the sadness and tears and the feelings of wanting to just run away and never return. I still get that way sometimes, except now I can just run away to the inlet for an hour or two and watch the water. I didn't have that luxury when I lived in Virginia.
Looking back on those memories, I can see how far I've come. I have an Associates degree, a Bachelors degree, and am working on a Masters degree. Just those achievements alone are incredible. As little as 10 years ago, if you would've told me I would be working on my Masters degree, I would probably laugh in your face. I felt like my life was going nowhere and it never would...I'd be stuck living with my parents forever, no boyfriend, no husband, no place to call my own, just stuck in a miserable situation. Now, I love my parents, but living at home made me feel like a child, so doing adult things made me feel guilty or like I was breaking the law or something crazy like that. Thinking like that is ridiculous when you are in your 20's because you are NOT a child and should be able to do adult things without feeling like that just because you live with your parents.
My self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are nowhere near where they should be for everything I've overcome, but I'm trying. I love my life in Florida and miss my friends in Virginia, but I know I'm where I should be. Despite knowing this, I still have my feelings of loneliness that won't go away and the depression that randomly shows up whenever it feels like it.
I've been depressed now for the last two weeks, though it was brought on by school-related stress. I only have a few weeks left of this semester, and I have papers to write. It's not that I can't get them done, it just gets overwhelming. I don't handle stress the way I should, but I'm learning...That's why I started going to therapy, to help myself learn to cope with stress. It is definitely making a difference as I am noticing the increase in assertiveness. I'm not letting others walk all over me anymore. I still have a long way to go.
Every day I wake up thinking that maybe today will be better, but I still have the feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. Some days I just don't feel like I deserve anything but the crappy people I surround myself with...I try to find better people, but I'm not one to approach people first as I have a bit of social anxiety and fear of rejection. I try to get past those fears by going out and talking to people, but crowds, even small ones make me close up. I'm better one on one with someone. I need a way to come out of my shell. I don't know what to do...
The word final is an interesting one...It could mean so many things depending on the context. It could mean the ending of a sentence, a life, a relationship, a friendship, a speech, or a test. Not to say there aren't any other meanings associated with this word, but those are all I could think of at this time.
I am not my depression, and I still push forward even at my worst, but nothing about it is easy. If anyone says overcoming depression is easy, they have never experienced a depressive episode. So many things can trigger depression, or nothing at all...It's so random sometimes that you don't see it coming. It'll hit you like a ton of bricks. It takes all you have to do anything at all. What keeps me going is having my dogs and cat. Knowing that I am the only one responsible for taking care of them pushes me to get out of bed and take them for a walk. Ok, well my cat is pretty self-sufficient, so there isn't much effort required for her. My dogs may drive me crazy at times, but I could NEVER live without a dog. I would've died had I not had Charley when Diesel passed away in November. And, a few months ago, when I was hoping to see another dalmatian, it happened...I was walking Charley on the next street over from me and saw a dalmatian! I was in complete shock because I couldn't believe it. I'm sure the lady thought I was crazy at first when I greeted her with "Oh my god, it's a DALMATIAN!!!" I don't remember much of what I said after that except when I told her about Diesel. I was so freaken EXCITED to see a dalmatian!! I even balled my eyes out because I missed Diesel so much!
Well, about 2 months ago, I got a Facebook message from the local dalmatian rescue, asking if I was interested in fostering a deaf 6 year old female dalmatian...Of course I said YES! How could I not?? So, I have had her now for awhile and she is super attached to me. I love her. She makes me so super happy! I still have Charley, and they get along good.
Life has its ups and downs, but you gotta find something that keeps you moving forward.