Shame

I never really understood the meaning of the word shame and honestly never wanted to. It sounds like just a bad word and I never wanted to admit that I was ashamed of anything, but I am. I first realized I was shameful and pointed out the source a little over a month ago, and I almost took my life because of it.

The way I see it is when I feel 'ashamed" it goes hand in hand with being embarrassed and it happens when I have no control over the situation. Feeling guilt is simular but with guilt I feel it from something I have done and regret, which is exactly what it means. That is kind of the whole base line for the two, and from what I realized there are certain things in my life that I am so ashamed of that nothing I could do would make it better, or at least thats what I thought. Now I have added a few tools to my toolbox to conquer some of those overwhelming feelings of shame.

My story started at childhood, when I had no control over how I was raised. I am ashamed everytime I think about how my mother was. I was put through some horrific situations and had little to no control over the outcome. There were times that it got so bad that I had no other option but to dissassiciate from realitly, which soon became my normal. But I will not be digging deep into that particular topic, the main point is that I was ashamed of how my mother treated me, and how I learned to cope as a result of the abuse. Most of what she did to me is how I am the person I am and I guess I have her to thank for the good qualities I have, but I do not thank her for how badly things got. I don't hate her for it, but I didn't particularly appreciate it either. Although, if it wasn't for her basically teaching me survival skills, I wouldn't be this strong as I am. I still feel shame to thia day because I have to carry the fact that I was abused with me for the rest of my life. I have her to blame for my unstable emotions but she does not get to have control over how I am now. I choose how I want to live my life now and even thouth the way she treated me causes me to think a certain way, it's still my choice as to how I will handle it. I felt like I am carrying someone elses burden, I felt alone and terrified, but when I think of who I am today, I can't help but smile. I don't think I would be able to handle the situations I have been put in if I didn't have to deal with the hard times, it's those tribulations that taught me to never give up. I am not ungrateful, I am not favored nor am I seen as a victim. Those were the things I tried so hard to NOT let people see about me, but now that I think about it, that was a waste of time beccause people see what they want to see. If I want them to see a week little girl then that is what they will see, and i never tried to fight it before. For so many years that is all I knew how to show off, but I have been given a beautiful opportunity to exspress the strong version of myself. That is who I am today and that is who I admire. I see great potential in myself. I see the one who gained strength, the one who got wisdom and survived. That "little girl" is in her safe place recovering and the adult version of me is finally getting to thrive with nothing to hold me back.

Today I can safetly admit that I carry shame when I think of my mother, but she is diseased now and hating her will only fester bitterness in my soul and cause pain on myself. The point is to let it go and learn from it and that is what I am learning everyday. I can also say that I am safe and no longer that little child that has kept me scared and blinded for years. I feel amazing and free, I am strong and I can tell that little child that she doesnt have to be afraid anymore. I am not who I was and that shame died once I put the effort into fighting the hold it had on me.