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Suffering from depression is real

Updated on April 18, 2017

Being someone who constantly battles depression and the suicidal tendencies that go along with have depression is hard. I have my good days and my days were things just seem like the world does not fit for me. It hard knowing that at any moment I can break down and just want to lose myself.

I have battled with depression and suicidal tendencies since I was in my early twenty's which is when I was first diagnosed. The battle throughout the years has been hard and extremely overwhelming at times. No two people battle this fight the same way. However, you will find more than one person within the family line who may or may not have the disorder that is called depression.

I come from a short line of family members who have it and unfortunately I passed the depressive gene down to my oldest daughter who also constantly now battles the suicidal tendencies and she is only twelve years old. I believe that I have always been this way honestly and the doctors just did not realize it until it was to late.

My depression sometimes gets so bad that I just want to be left alone. I turn away from all who know and love me when it gets that bad, because when you suffer from severe suicidal depression the way that I do it makes life difficult. It makes trusting those around you very difficult. It also makes it hard to make relationships work.

I have tried to kill myself a handful of times, because the depression has eaten away at my thoughts. It makes it hard to function on a day to day basis. When you combine my depression with my bi polar disorder it makes for one very moody and pain in the neck type of woman.

Through out the years I have slowly come to terms with the idea that I am mentally ill and that my depression will never go away. I have however, learned to live for the moment and not let my disorders bring me down to much. It has been a very tiresome battle learning how to control the emotions and thoughts that go through my head constantly.

It is not easy living with depression by no means, but it is even harder living with it when you constantly are doubting everyone that is around you. Constantly feeling as if you have to fight to hold on to those that are important to you. Constant battling yourself for the will to stay alive.

Depression is a hard thing to live with, but I have learned how to do it and even though it continues to be a constant battle for what is right within my own mind. I know that I can do it and although I will never defeat it I will not let it consume me to the point of not being able to turn back.

I will continue to fight the battle that I have know practically my whole life. I will continue to want to live. Even though there will be days when the struggle is hard. There will be days when it feels as if the world is crashing down around me. There will be days when I feel as if no one deserves to have to life like this. There will even be days when I feel as if my fight has worn out, but even on those days I will continue to fight. Even on those days I will remember what I have to live for.

On those days I will remember what I push so hard to get though each day or each week or even each month. On those days I will not be consumed by something that I can fight. I will chose to push forward. I will chose to get through and continue to live. I will chose not to let any of this overcome me. I will chose to battle and push through the darkness each time it tries to take a hold of me.

I will chose not to give up. I will chose not to back down. For this is my life and no one else's only I can fight the disorders that I have and willing chose to push forward.

How many people do you know battle suicidal depression?

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On living with depression and suicidal feelings

© 2017 Victoria Watts

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