ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Suicide Girl...

Updated on January 28, 2021


I found it ironic how they kept saying how selfish she was for committing suicide, as they selfishly made the whole thing about them and how it influenced and affected their lives. There’s a vast difference between selfish and desperate, and to me, suicide is a desperate act, the action of one, which is exceedingly, overwhelmed, and overcome, with despair. I am not saying that I didn’t feel hurt and angry with her for just quitting on me, I felt like it was selfish. Until, I realized I wanted her here with me and for me, yet, somehow, I missed the signs, that she was giving up, had given up, I might have helped her or reminded her how much she was loved, if I had loved her a little more selflessly, she might still be here with me. See how selfish I am or sound, just in saying that? Because I too managed to make it somehow more about me, all about me, just about me, thinking of only just me.

They kept saying she was going to hell, that suicide is the unforgivable, unpardonable sin. I love and loved her so much, she was one of the bravest, strongest, loving, and giving, women I knew. She had one of the roughest childhoods I had ever heard of, and when we met her, she had been in and out of foster homes all or most of her life. Her biological mom just couldn’t deal with her, had no patience with her…I cannot speak to her mother’s thoughts, reasons, or convictions, so her reasoning for not raising her daughter is her own. I just know that she was wild and daring and she loved taking risks’, which is probably what made raising her so challenging. To me though, she was just misunderstood, she was so desperate to love and be loved that she stole constantly, but always giving the items away to others, as gifts. We didn’t find out until many years later that she had been stealing them. We questioned her about how she always seemed to have money to buy things for others, she had a job, so she told us she got great employee discounts.

When I found out, I told her, “So you were like Robin Hood, stealing from the rich and giving to the poor.”

“Robin Hood was a fictional hero,” she told me, the day before she killed herself. “I am real and what I did was really wrong. I lied, cheated, stole, and engaged in empty, meaningless sex, with guys that were mean, and that I didn’t mean anything to. I did a lot of bad things in my life, made some pretty fucked up choices, and I have had to pay for them all…will have to pay for them all.” She stopped herself then, and looked at me, and smiled at me, then grabbed me in her arms, as she did when I was just a little kid (I was around seven when we met, 12 when this occurred), and hugged me so tight. “I love you kiddo, I always did, you’re the kid I always wanted.”

I have to tell you, that this is and was how she always talked to me, this was not a ‘goodbye’ to me, this was how she loved me, this was how she had always treated me, it is one of many reasons I loved her so very much and why I could not accept the idea that she was going to hell. I know what is said, what the bible says, and I know that many are as opposed to suicide as those opposed to abortion, gay marriage, Christians, non Christians, believers and non believers etc.

Everyone believes what they must and does what they must to get by. We all judge and pass judgment, we all make mistakes, have made them, and we all have our own ideals, opinions, feelings, and convictions. I may be wrong, which I quite frequently am, but I am convinced she’s at peace and the she was forgiven and not just because I love her and loved her, but because I believe that if a fault ridden mortal like me can love her and forgive her for what she did, then imagine how much more her father in heaven must love her, when He created her.


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)