I found it ironic how they kept saying how selfish she was for committing suicide, as they selfishly made the whole thing about them and how it influenced and affected their lives. There’s a vast difference between selfish and desperate, and to me, suicide is a desperate act, the action of one, which is exceedingly, overwhelmed, and overcome, with despair. I am not saying that I didn’t feel hurt and angry with her for just quitting on me, I felt like it was selfish. Until, I realized I wanted her here with me and for me, yet, somehow, I missed the signs, that she was giving up, had given up, I might have helped her or reminded her how much she was loved, if I had loved her a little more selflessly, she might still be here with me. See how selfish I am or sound, just in saying that? Because I too managed to make it somehow more about me, all about me, just about me, thinking of only just me.
They kept saying she was going to hell, that suicide is the unforgivable, unpardonable sin. I love and loved her so much, she was one of the bravest, strongest, loving, and giving, women I knew. She had one of the roughest childhoods I had ever heard of, and when we met her, she had been in and out of foster homes all or most of her life. Her biological mom just couldn’t deal with her, had no patience with her…I cannot speak to her mother’s thoughts, reasons, or convictions, so her reasoning for not raising her daughter is her own. I just know that she was wild and daring and she loved taking risks’, which is probably what made raising her so challenging. To me though, she was just misunderstood, she was so desperate to love and be loved that she stole constantly, but always giving the items away to others, as gifts. We didn’t find out until many years later that she had been stealing them. We questioned her about how she always seemed to have money to buy things for others, she had a job, so she told us she got great employee discounts.
When I found out, I told her, “So you were like Robin Hood, stealing from the rich and giving to the poor.”
“Robin Hood was a fictional hero,” she told me, the day before she killed herself. “I am real and what I did was really wrong. I lied, cheated, stole, and engaged in empty, meaningless sex, with guys that were mean, and that I didn’t mean anything to. I did a lot of bad things in my life, made some pretty fucked up choices, and I have had to pay for them all…will have to pay for them all.” She stopped herself then, and looked at me, and smiled at me, then grabbed me in her arms, as she did when I was just a little kid (I was around seven when we met, 12 when this occurred), and hugged me so tight. “I love you kiddo, I always did, you’re the kid I always wanted.”
I have to tell you, that this is and was how she always talked to me, this was not a ‘goodbye’ to me, this was how she loved me, this was how she had always treated me, it is one of many reasons I loved her so very much and why I could not accept the idea that she was going to hell. I know what is said, what the bible says, and I know that many are as opposed to suicide as those opposed to abortion, gay marriage, Christians, non Christians, believers and non believers etc.
Everyone believes what they must and does what they must to get by. We all judge and pass judgment, we all make mistakes, have made them, and we all have our own ideals, opinions, feelings, and convictions. I may be wrong, which I quite frequently am, but I am convinced she’s at peace and the she was forgiven and not just because I love her and loved her, but because I believe that if a fault ridden mortal like me can love her and forgive her for what she did, then imagine how much more her father in heaven must love her, when He created her.