That emptiness inside

What is this emptiness inside me that I am always oh feeling? My normal everyday life is completely fulfilling to me. I have a 9-5 job, a part time job that is completely fun, yet, socially I feel inept. I find myself not wanting to be around people as much in my free time. I prefer to close myself in my room watch a movie or just relax. My heart just isn't in it. I am empty inside and I want to feel normal. For years I have been smiling for everyone, making jokes, pretending that everything is ok. I turned 40 this year, I didn't even celebrate it. Do i want to settle down? Can I let someone into my life again and love that person unconditionally? I don't know. The black space I feel in my heart has taken over me. I have become cold, emotionless, cruel to an extent. Although, those who are close to me, I love dearly and will do anything for them.

15 months ago I was homeless, jobless and had no family members come to my aid. I was shunned out. Maybe my broken childhood has something to do with it. Maybe the non-relationship I have had with my mother since I can remember has made me who I am today. That fear of wanting to let someone in, open up to them, and share my life, my feelings, my everything, all to be disappointed and heart broken again. One can only take so much heart break before there is no more heart to break. I have learned to trust only a few people in my life. Some of which aren't even blood family. Strangers at one point, who have experience life as I have. Who know what it is like to be the outcast. The one who carries all the burden, all the anger inside. The one who everyone goes to fix everything but doesn't receive help when they need it the most. The one who judges no one, but gets judged themselves. These are the people who I have opened up to the most.

I am drawn to them. Like a moth to a light. Engaging in conversation with them is simple. I feel as if I can tell them anything and everything. And although we may live miles apart I feel as if I have known them forever. They are the ones that have shown me there is hope, that I can achieve my goals and dreams. In return, I want to help them, be their shoulder to cry on. Will any of them fill that emptiness inside though? I don't get my hopes up to high. The mediocrity I feel about myself won't let me do that. I regress back to the let downs of my past. The heartbreak that was unforeseen. I mental scars in my heart and my soul. I am genuine in my personality and my experiences. I have so much to offer, so much to give. Unfortunately, I have not found that one person I can open up to and share everything that I have. The love I have to give is so deep, so inspirational, only one with a true heart and open mind could accept it and me for who I am.

I fear, however that my emptiness will always be there even if and when i do meet someone. The years of being let down and disappointed have engulfed who I used to be. For now, I will keep the few circle of people in my life who matter to me. They are the ones who make me smile. No amount of emptiness will keep me from fighting this battle. Only I can make myself better and want myself to feel better. If that means i suffer heartbreak over and over until I find the one person who can mend my empty heart, I guess I will move forward. For now, I'm all by myself.

I have battled with depression my whole life. I would never think of taking my life but if you think you are experiencing any of these symptoms, please seek help.

Signs and symptoms of depression include:

• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
• Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
• Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
• Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
• Anger or irritability. Feeling agitated, restless, or even violent. Your tolerance level is low, your temper short, and everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
• Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
• Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
• Reckless behavior. You engage in escapist behavior such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, or dangerous sports.
• Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
• Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.

When you’re feeling extremely depressed or suicidal, your problems don’t seem temporary—they seem overwhelming and permanent. But with time, you will feel better, especially if you reach out for help. If you are feeling suicidal, know that there are many people who want to support you during this difficult time, so please reach out for help!

Call 1-800-273-TALK in the U.S.