The Many Advantages of Being Sick

Humans, from what I have learned, are designed to operate like well-oiled machines. If they are given the proper care, food, rest, exercise and sleep.

But there will come a time when every human being will face sickness of some type. Some disabling for a brief time, and some more-serious. I am not talking about the common cold, allergies, or skin rashes.

I am talking about Asian Flu, Bird Flu, Stomach Virus, Diahrrea, Vomiting, High-Fever, and I need not go any further. These are the “Big Guns” of sicknesses. They come “Loaded for your system,” and when they attack, they hit hard and often. And tough to overcome.

You go to your doctor. He gives you a good check-up and gives you an astounding prognosis, “Bill, you are severely-sick. That will be $200.00 up-front.”

“$200.00? Up-front?” you protest while coughing your head off.

“Wy’ yes, Bill. Haven’t you heard of Obamacare?” your doctor says, grins, closes your files and walks off.

So with the last $200.00 you had, now gone. You head home, your safe sanctuary where you can be alone and suffer this sickness by yourself.

On the way you ask an innocent by-stander, “What is Obamacare?”

Suddenly you see yellow and blue stars, hear classical music, and everything turns black.

When you wake up, you are surrounded by other innocent by-standers asking if you are okay. You nod yes and jog to the bus stop holding your jaw that this first innocent by-stander (you upset) almost broke with his right-hook—now you see the 5 p.m. bus stopping.

You are grateful for the evening bus for it has taken you from your appointment at 9 a.m. until 4:45 p.m. to see your doctor. Thanks to this new Obamacare, your doctor has to see fully-covered, good-for-the-bill patients before you. This is why you were in his clinic all day.

But now you are home. Beautiful, sweet home. Ahhh, you sigh. Now to get some of the drugs into yourself, get to bed on the couch, and watch some SportsCenter. Your jaw is still sore, but that is a little thing compared to how your stomach, head and bowels are feeling.

Compared to being hit with a sharp-pointed spear by some Amazon Indian tribal warrior, a sharp pain hits your intestines and you shoot from the couch and head toward the bathroom at full-speed.

There is your goal: The john. Ahh, relief is just . . . (AND NOW, A FIRST FOR HUBPAGES. DUE TO THE RISK OF SMALL CHILDREN BEING ABLE TO READ, I AM CENSORING THIS PART ABOUT WHAT YOU DO IN THE BATHROOM AND IT’S AWFUL DESCRIPTION. THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING. KENNETH. I want to be known as the hubber who cares).

You are so glad that you were on the track team in college, you think as you begin to get relaxed again underneath a warm comforter on the couch that you have had since your college days.

Now for some more SportsCenter before the drugs you took only minutes ago kick-in.

“What?” you scream. “Dan Patrick is gone from ESPN!” you cry. You must be really sick to have not known this sports item that is now old news.

But dear sick friend, allow me to help you right now. You can be my “captive audience,” of sorts. You aren’t able to go anywhere, so I am going to cheer you up with this next part I like to call: “The Many Advantages of Being Sick,” and I hope to put a smile on that sick face of yours.

Before I begin, let’s look at the various kind of “sick.” There is:

• Car sick
• Home sick
• Sick to death
• Sick as a dog
• Owning a car that’s “sick” (hipster slang)
• Heart sick
• Love sick

And did you know that “sick” has its various degrees? Yes. There is:

• Getting sick
• Man, am I sick
• Really sick
• So sick you could die

I am no doctor, but if you were “so sick you could die,” don’t you think that your college-trained doctor would have admitted you to the hospital?

So I offer you my amateur diagnosis as “sick enough to feel bad.” And my “Advantages of Being Sick” information should be helpful.

1. When you are sick, you get plenty of female attention. Your mom visits and brings you some really good grub. Your girlfriend visits and stays overnight and gives you, uhhh, well, some needed-companionship.

2. Your boss treats you with compassion as opposed to treating you like trash.

3. Your cranky neighbor even gives you a used “Get Well Soon” card he found in the trash.

4. An aunt “Lulu,” who lives two states away calls to wish you well. She is your favorite aunt, “the black sheep,” of your mom’s family for working in a porn store. And yes, she is sending you several new magazines at a “kinfolk discount.”

5. You get to rest during the day and sleep all you want—thanks to those neat drugs that your doctor prescribed for you.

6. A bill-collector calls which gives you a coughing-attack, but is quick to apologize and tells you to “Forget the twenty-two dollars late fees on the DVD you forgot to return,” because you were severely-drunk at your best friend’s bachelor party. Besides the DVD was “The Sound of Music.”

7. Your other girlfriend (that your current girlfriend) doesn’t know about, comes by to check on you, which was not a smart move, but she sees you are “sick as a dog,” and instantly changes into her nurse’s uniform and goes into action “nursing” you back to health. This is so amazing since she isn’t a nurse and doesn’t know a thermometer from a blood pressure cuff.

8. (It’s now been three days and you are no better). Your Human Resource manager calls and tells you that you have one five more days of your sick leave and to “not worry,” your additional paycheck will be mailed to you. “Have you gotten me mixed-up with someone else?” you ask doing the right thing. “Yes. Are you ‘Leonard B. Stump?’” ‘Susie,” the Human Resource manager asks. “Uhh, yep. ‘Lennie.’ That’s me,” you quickly-reply, but there is a problem. Your real name is ‘Barry W. Golden.’

9. Your landlord brings you a delicious chicken dinner with all the trimmings and he isn’t known for his generosity. And while at your apartment, tells you that the rent for this month is free. “Wow,” you think to yourself. “I wasn’t this well-off when I was healthy.”

10. You drift off to sleep and at 2 a.m., you are awakened by your first girlfriend who is worried about you and insists on coming over to bring you some “great medications,” that her “Uncle Max,” a retired surgeon has given her. She arrives shortly and you soon discover that the “great medications,” is a bag of “weed,” that you and your girlfriend consume until daylight. At least you are not “feeling” as sick as you were. Actually your body has no feeling whatsoever.

11. You decide that you are tired of SportsCenter, so you decide to listen to music on your favorite radio station. But when you call-in to request, “Whole Lotta Love,” by Led Zeppelin, but the station plays “Tomorrow,” one of the songs from the Broadway-hit, “Annie,” which angers you into calling the station to complain. When the receptionist answers, you ask,, “Why did you play ‘Tomorrow,’ a song from the hit-musical, ‘Annie,’ on Broadway instead of ‘Whole Lotta Love,’ by Led Zeppelin?” she laughs and says, “We did that on purpose to see if you would call and complain and since you called, you have won $50,000.00 for playing our new game, “Why Did You Play That Song?”

12. As the day continues, you start to think that this “being sick,” has really paid-off. Then after lunch you see an ad on television that states a medical research company will pay participants $1,000.00 a day to take experimental medications for research reasons.

    You call the “800” number, give them your personal data, and make an appointment to be at a certain address the next day at 10:00.

    You are excited. You have two hot girlfriends who nothjng about each other, $50,000.00 in cash, a half a bag of weed and some free porn from your favorite aunt “Lulu.” Yeah, you are “sitting pretty.” Plus an extra week of paid-sick leave.

    You walk into the clinic, fill-out necessary paperwork and are told to go to Room 88B down the hall. You are so excited because the receptionist has given you your first $1,000.00 check. Can this get any better, you think to yourself.

    A certified physician explains to you and five other participants about this experimental medication that is being researched to help cure “The Egyptian Black Beetle Flu,” which you “say” you have to keep up appearances and to keep those $1,000.00 checks rolling in.

    You roll-up the sleeve of your shirt for the shot the physician is going to give you. You hardly feel the shot. You start feeling funny. Then something amazing happens. You stop coughing, sweating, your fever is gone, and so is the intestinal pains that caused you to run to the bathroom so many times.

    The physician leaps over chairs to get to you to take your vital signs. You check-out perfectly. You are as healthy as Charles Atlas.

    The physician pronounces you cured. You are somewhat stunned and disappointed, but you still have a week of paid-sick leave, two hot girlfriends, and $50,000.00 cash. Plus this other check for $1,000.00.

    But before you leave, the physician hands you an itemized bill for $49,998.00. You are livid. Red-faced with anger. You feel a rage coming on as you stand shaking with frustration.

    “Why this bill for $49,998.00?” you ask pounding your fist on the wall.

    The calm physician replies, “Obamacare funded this project. They only bill those participants who have $51,000.00.”

    But hey. You still have three bucks left.