The Young Widow - 20 days into grief
This was no ordinary love
Shadows of Love
20 days...
The First Day
A nightmare. A story in itself. Nothing is true. Nothing is real. Uniformed strangers flood the house. They keep me away from him. I let the rain fall on me. I look for my prince in the wind. 4 hours later, they steal my precious prince away. Through the tears, they all look like ghosts. I can't feel myself, I can't feel time or space. Tears flow freely until my body has no water to support them but the soul still cries. I have to muster the strength to inform his brother and his parents. My mother is holding me up so that I do not fall. I have to collect my senses long enough to tell my 8 yr old princes that our world came crashing down this morning. I would rather lie to protect her, but I know that it is not right. My body shakes. I have to inform his boss. The frantic calls come in. I used all the strength I had for 2 calls. I ignore and keep loosing the phone. I would rather have surrendered his love than face the loss of his life. No food, no water, no sleep, just tears. I want to be alone. No one allows me to be. With no guidance, no instruction I visit a funeral home. How long do I have? What do I have to do? What does death cost? Please speak quickly. I do not want to be here. Sorry for my loss. I didn't loose him, he was stolen. The old are lost, the young are stolen. My grief is like a black hole and I am not sure how long I can sit here...
The First Week
They stole my husband. I don't know where he is. I don't know why this is happening. There are no answers. I don't feel my heart. I don't feel God. I loose the ability to speak for days. I do not want to be seen. I ignore the bounty of calls. Tears, tears, and more tears. I wear your clothes, your bracelets around my ankles. Everything breaks my heart. Still no hunger, no thirst, no need for rest. Where are you my love? Why can't I feel you? The questions begin. Why? Why didn't I know? Could I have saved you? I should not have slept that night. We lived life well with nothing to regret, except that I regret the last day of your life. I can't get it back. I can't make it better. They won't let me do it over. I can't say goodbye and shower you with kisses. I can't hold your hand through your journey. I would have carried you. Why didn't I know? I live like a robot. I go from one task to the other. I am lost. I don't know what is right. The pastor & his wife come. So many questions. Are their biblical rules for his body. I don't want to mess up! I visit 2 more funeral homes. I learn that death is a business like any other. I am disgusted. I have to negotiate your death. It almost cost me my life. My heart is shattered. I plan a service that will honor you and celebrate your life. I sign the contract. I finally feel you this day. I feel peaceful and strong. I thought I saw you. Facebook is my first voice, still unable to speak. I read hundreds of messages of love for you. It fills my heart. People know that I am online. They reach out. I can't. :'( is all I can type. I have more work to do for your service. So much to get done in a small amount of time. I choose your clothing. I pick your favorite bracelet. I have your favorite necklace, the one that was once mine. I choose the pants we were married in. I get your 'accomplishment' watch. You need to wear cufflinks. You love your dicepticon cufflinks. It takes me hours. I look for 60 pictures about your life. I search for 33 of your favorite songs. I want to reflect you in your service. I want to honor you my love. Sleep comes up to 2 - 3 hours on some nights. I am forced to eat bread in the mornings first few days. Last few days I am up to 2 small meals per day. Tears, tears, and more tears. 4 friends come to visit. The sight of me breaks their hearts. My little girls heart is broken and heals at her favorite place. I want to go home. No one wants me to go. I need to be where he was. How am I? How am I feeling? Hollow, broken, scarred, alone, fake. I can't answer. I don't know. This can't be real. This is not fair. I can't do this. My smile is broken. It feels foreign and fake.
The Second Week
It begins with your service. I am proud of the man that you are. I want to look my best for you. I will not have any other opportunity. Hair dresser asks what the occasion is. I break down. I pull over on the way. I can't do this. I don't want this to be true. I can't say goodbye like this. I walk in. I fall apart as soon as I walk in. I have not seen you yet. I can't breath. I shake. I am sweating & crying. I am trembling so hard 3 people can't hold me. I am given a few minutes alone with you. I am so sorry this happened to us my love. I give our daughter a few minutes with us before family and friends come. Over 200 people came my love. I held myself together for you. You wouldn't want a sad, quiet funeral. 2 services. Your mother spoke. Kennedy read a letter she wrote you. I did your Eulogy. The night is over. They will take you away from me again. A private moment for you my love. I sing to you. I love you. Family celebrates you after. The rest of the week brings more learning. New battles, no answers. Sadness, tears, sadness, tears. I do not like what I am learning. The world goes on. I get upset about it. I see meaningless confrontation, people rushing, useless worry. Nothing matters. I don't know time or day. Kind words, he is in heaven, a better place, no pain, no worries. I have faith that this is true, but I can not feel this. I can not see clearly. Stop telling me what I need to do! I can't take it. Leave me alone. The list is too long. Overwhelming. I can easily be alone and loose days. Mom wants to help, never leaves me. Friends take me out. They make me laugh. It is still not natural, but it felt good to escape. I live moment to moment. I rise and I fall. I crawl on the ground. I can't focus on healing right now. I have lawyers, investigations, affairs to take care of. This will take months. No breaks. No time outs. I loose weight. My hair falls out.
Tomorrow completes Week Three
I feel like its only been a day or two. Tears daily. How stupid I was to wish for more than 2 days off. Angels don't get days off. Novena - the spanish, catholic 9 day prayer chain. I am not catholic, I do not know how. I go on the last day anyway. I try not to loose it as tears fall uncontrolled. Attempts to distract me. Some are silly. More things to get done. You should do this, did you do that. Please, I can't. People tell me I am strong. I feel like I am broken. I have faith. I am still upset and confused. Still unanswered questions. I can't let the family fall/fail. Will find work soon. I commit to honor you and the Lord daily. I can't see a future. I can barely see past today. I can barely see to the end of today. I can't write unless it is to you. I try anyway. I take 3 baby steps forward. I fall back a lot. My body feels like an empty vessel. Our princess gives me strength. I feel love, she is love. I don't feel my heart. My body feels hollow. I don't know where my heart is. Time slips thru my fingers. They suggest I move. I change things. They ask questions I can't answer. Please don't make me think. I will fall backwards again. Lots of hugs. I look for one like his. It doesn't exist yet. Lots of prayers. Lots of help. I feel proud and full of gratitude. I am trying. Moment by moment. i will be a mosaic one day. Right now I am just broken. Nights are the hardest. They have been for 20 days & counting...
Bound to you!
What the lyrics say to me...
Sweet love...I am trapped in our love...
How can I give that up. It was one of the purest examples of love seen. I am grateful for it and have no regret. I would do it all over again despite the unbearable pain.
My heart & I are buried in dust...Free me, Free us...
I was free with you. How long will the Lord keep me here away from you. I can't go. I have to care for our princess. Don't fall, wait for me there.
You are all I need, if you walk away I will suffer tonight...
& I have suffered every night for 20 days and counting. Will this be my new life? Faith and sorrow, Love and pain, hurt, loss, and plowing thru?
I found a man I can trust, & boy I believed in us ...
I am terrified to lose for the first time, I am bound to you...
Can't you see that I am bound by chains, I had finally found my way, I am bound to you....
So much, So young, I faced on my own
Walls I build up becoming my home....
I thought that you were my reward. Perhaps you were. I just didn't know how little time we would have.
Sweet love, so pure....
Can't catch my breath...
Please don't tear this apart.
Suddenly the moments here, only I am living my fears, I am terrified to loose for the first time.
I am bound to you...........
Related
Comments
AUTHORHello Truth... You and Jennifer share a special hardship that others can't know. It is wonderful to see you reaching out to her. Bittersweet.
Jennifer - my husband died less than a week after our ultrasound appointment told us that our second child was a girl. She is 7 now and I look at her sometimes, so much like her Dad, and it is both comforting and gut-wrenching at the same time. I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one unfortunate enough to lose a husband while pregnant. I understand.
Moms - hope you are doing well :)
- AUTHOR
I am about 16 months now. We didn't have a child together. I have thought about someone in your shoes. Someone with the bittersweet tale of having a part of him growing inside of them after he died. I thought of how many different things I would feel. It was hard to think of. My heart goes out to you.
It is very nice to meet you Jennifer.
I lost my husband 14 months ago and it seems like a lifetime without him. It still takes my breath away when I think about him being gone forever. This is definitely the hardest thing I've
Ever experienced in my life.I know life goes on and I just really hate that thought of my life going on without the love of my life. We had 3 boys one in hich came a month after he died. Life can be so unfair and tough I know. But because of them I must go on, but with a broken heart...ever ha
- AUTHOR
I wouldn't be surprised if the increase of emotion caused by such an event causes one to double or triple the amount of thoughts one has per day. For every thought that I get down on paper there are thousands that never get documented.
Thanks for the read and the comment Tirelesstraveler. I appreciate them both.
Last week I listened to a speaker; she said "we think 30,000 thoughts a day and every thought is attached to an emotion". If every thought is attached to an emotion is it any wonder that the death of a beloved husband is excruciating. Blessings
- AUTHOR
There are things that I can learn from you. My little angel just turned 9. I am so desperate to do things right so that her grief does not negatively affect her life or her view of life...
I have to agree with you about the slight anger how life had the tendency to keep going without my Prince in it, especially knowing his beautiful impact on it. For a while I looked at it as rude. Then it helped me to put some things in perspective.
I am so grateful that you took the time to read my hub and that you commented about it.
I was 10 when my father died. I remember wondering how the world continued to move--seeing cars driving on the roads, people engaged in conversation, people laughing (!), etc. To me, it seemed like the world should have stopped and noticed that he was gone, even if just for a few minutes.
It takes a long, long time to stop mourning on a daily basis. It is a process with stages of grief that lasts for uncertain amounts of time depending upon the individual.
I'm very sorry for your loss. This is very heartbreaking.
- AUTHOR
Good luck with your poem. I am sure it will be great. You write very well. I try to write without holding back. It has been cleansing for me. I am using it to figure out what the purpose of a widow would be. There is so much more in my head than comes out in a hub but it is a nice release. For me it is loads easier to write than it is to talk.
It is always nice to find out that someone else felt it before you and is still here to talk about it. These horrible situations have the tendency to wipe the floor with you and make breathing hard. It is a hard thing to believe that you will survive it. I still can't see too far into the my own future. Reading your works is a reminder that thru the pain there still is a future.
so sorry, Moms-secret, you seem so young, too young to lose your husband. You express your feelings and pain well. I hope you continue to do that. They say that the grief lessens and people are able to go on and be happy again. My brother--who lost his son that I wrote about--has found happiness with a new, wonderful wife and family....His boy was 3, almost 4. They say the loss of a child is the worst, but I would think that a spouse would also be nearly as painful, as they are part of your daily life. How do you compare loss? And death? I'm trying to write a poem for November's poetry contest about death and loss, but I'm having a hard time. It's hard to express, and I'm finding it hard to decide how much I want to make public. But maybe my feelings will help others.
Glad I found you. Reach out to me if you need support.
- AUTHOR
I would love to see your angel pic. This one found me and resembles both how I look and how I feel so I adopted her right away.
I am struggling with something I feel is unique to young widows. I hold it in but find it really hard to deal with the comments that I am still young. I am not interested in replacing my sweet prince. Did you go thru this?
Six years. And there are still days when I'll burst into tears at a song, or just a thought. People think you're strong because you happen to keep breathing. It's amazing that we don't just die from the pain of it all. But your daughter needs you (as you commented earlier) and she will be what helps you get out of bed each day whether you want to or not :) The first year is the hardest. Oh, and I love your angel pic. I have a similar one I will have to share.
- AUTHOR
Hi Turth - People believe me to be strong because of what they see on the outside. I have not found words or pictures to describe the turmoil inside.
The how are you doing question gets a fine because the truth is that I don't know the answer. It is a really bipolar position to be in.
How long have it been for you?
After my husband died I remember being enraged that birds should sing! It was almost more than I can take. One day the joy of life will not sadden you. Be patient with yourself and take one day at a time. Judge a day by small accomplishments. Thanks for sharing your intimate feelings.
- AUTHOR
Thank you for the comment koffee. Honestly, shock scares me. What happens after shock? Is it going to hurt more?! Will I collapse?
Without knowing the future, I always had a pretty good view of it. I knew that everything would be fine and the family would be happy no matter what. Now, I can't see anything. I can't see as far as the end of the day.
I am usually patient and worry free. Now, not at all...
Moms-Secret, you haven't had time yet to begin to move. You are surrounded by your shock. You need to allow yourself time for the shock to move on. I love a child a few years ago - I can still feel the grief and disbelief. As time went on I began to live again. I will always love her and miss her. If it hadn't been for friends and family I would have followed her. It does become better. My prayers are with you and your daughter.
- AUTHOR
I have never felt this lost before. I am really afraid. If what you say is true and I am in shock does that mean that this unbearable weight and pain gets heavier and bigger? My mother still mourns her mother and it has been more than 20 years. I am sorry about your Mom. I don't think any loss is easier than another. I believe the worst would be a child. A husband gets hard because you loose your daily life. You get all the responsibility of 'kin' and the house is filled with remnants of him. It is a very hard thing.
I appreciate all the positive that you are sending Chat. Thank You.
Your loss is still so new that you are probably numb from the shock of it all, a solitude that has not yet taken hold. I have not lost a husband or a child as some have so I cannot begin to know what you are feeling. My Mother died almost 2 years ago and I still think of her every day and cry - sometimes sad, sometimes angry that she left me! We were so close and I want to be with her!
One thing that helped me as I look back on it was Hospice, they have grief counselors - groups, etc. although I don't know your circumstances...
I am sending you positive thoughts and strength for you and your daughter. I think you will be forever changed by this but you will make it... a minute at a time.
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