The Young Widow - 20 days into grief

The First Day

A nightmare. A story in itself. Nothing is true. Nothing is real. Uniformed strangers flood the house. They keep me away from him. I let the rain fall on me. I look for my prince in the wind. 4 hours later, they steal my precious prince away. Through the tears, they all look like ghosts. I can't feel myself, I can't feel time or space. Tears flow freely until my body has no water to support them but the soul still cries. I have to muster the strength to inform his brother and his parents. My mother is holding me up so that I do not fall. I have to collect my senses long enough to tell my 8 yr old princes that our world came crashing down this morning. I would rather lie to protect her, but I know that it is not right. My body shakes. I have to inform his boss. The frantic calls come in. I used all the strength I had for 2 calls. I ignore and keep loosing the phone. I would rather have surrendered his love than face the loss of his life. No food, no water, no sleep, just tears. I want to be alone. No one allows me to be. With no guidance, no instruction I visit a funeral home. How long do I have? What do I have to do? What does death cost? Please speak quickly. I do not want to be here. Sorry for my loss. I didn't loose him, he was stolen. The old are lost, the young are stolen. My grief is like a black hole and I am not sure how long I can sit here...

The First Week

They stole my husband. I don't know where he is. I don't know why this is happening. There are no answers. I don't feel my heart. I don't feel God. I loose the ability to speak for days. I do not want to be seen. I ignore the bounty of calls. Tears, tears, and more tears. I wear your clothes, your bracelets around my ankles. Everything breaks my heart. Still no hunger, no thirst, no need for rest. Where are you my love? Why can't I feel you? The questions begin. Why? Why didn't I know? Could I have saved you? I should not have slept that night. We lived life well with nothing to regret, except that I regret the last day of your life. I can't get it back. I can't make it better. They won't let me do it over. I can't say goodbye and shower you with kisses. I can't hold your hand through your journey. I would have carried you. Why didn't I know? I live like a robot. I go from one task to the other. I am lost. I don't know what is right. The pastor & his wife come. So many questions. Are their biblical rules for his body. I don't want to mess up! I visit 2 more funeral homes. I learn that death is a business like any other. I am disgusted. I have to negotiate your death. It almost cost me my life. My heart is shattered. I plan a service that will honor you and celebrate your life. I sign the contract. I finally feel you this day. I feel peaceful and strong. I thought I saw you. Facebook is my first voice, still unable to speak. I read hundreds of messages of love for you. It fills my heart. People know that I am online. They reach out. I can't. :'( is all I can type. I have more work to do for your service. So much to get done in a small amount of time. I choose your clothing. I pick your favorite bracelet. I have your favorite necklace, the one that was once mine. I choose the pants we were married in. I get your 'accomplishment' watch. You need to wear cufflinks. You love your dicepticon cufflinks. It takes me hours. I look for 60 pictures about your life. I search for 33 of your favorite songs. I want to reflect you in your service. I want to honor you my love. Sleep comes up to 2 - 3 hours on some nights. I am forced to eat bread in the mornings first few days. Last few days I am up to 2 small meals per day. Tears, tears, and more tears. 4 friends come to visit. The sight of me breaks their hearts. My little girls heart is broken and heals at her favorite place. I want to go home. No one wants me to go. I need to be where he was. How am I? How am I feeling? Hollow, broken, scarred, alone, fake. I can't answer. I don't know. This can't be real. This is not fair. I can't do this. My smile is broken. It feels foreign and fake.

The Second Week

It begins with your service. I am proud of the man that you are. I want to look my best for you. I will not have any other opportunity. Hair dresser asks what the occasion is. I break down. I pull over on the way. I can't do this. I don't want this to be true. I can't say goodbye like this. I walk in. I fall apart as soon as I walk in. I have not seen you yet. I can't breath. I shake. I am sweating & crying. I am trembling so hard 3 people can't hold me. I am given a few minutes alone with you. I am so sorry this happened to us my love. I give our daughter a few minutes with us before family and friends come. Over 200 people came my love. I held myself together for you. You wouldn't want a sad, quiet funeral. 2 services. Your mother spoke. Kennedy read a letter she wrote you. I did your Eulogy. The night is over. They will take you away from me again. A private moment for you my love. I sing to you. I love you. Family celebrates you after. The rest of the week brings more learning. New battles, no answers. Sadness, tears, sadness, tears. I do not like what I am learning. The world goes on. I get upset about it. I see meaningless confrontation, people rushing, useless worry. Nothing matters. I don't know time or day. Kind words, he is in heaven, a better place, no pain, no worries. I have faith that this is true, but I can not feel this. I can not see clearly. Stop telling me what I need to do! I can't take it. Leave me alone. The list is too long. Overwhelming. I can easily be alone and loose days. Mom wants to help, never leaves me. Friends take me out. They make me laugh. It is still not natural, but it felt good to escape. I live moment to moment. I rise and I fall. I crawl on the ground. I can't focus on healing right now. I have lawyers, investigations, affairs to take care of. This will take months. No breaks. No time outs. I loose weight. My hair falls out.

Tomorrow completes Week Three

I feel like its only been a day or two. Tears daily. How stupid I was to wish for more than 2 days off. Angels don't get days off. Novena - the spanish, catholic 9 day prayer chain. I am not catholic, I do not know how. I go on the last day anyway. I try not to loose it as tears fall uncontrolled. Attempts to distract me. Some are silly. More things to get done. You should do this, did you do that. Please, I can't. People tell me I am strong. I feel like I am broken. I have faith. I am still upset and confused. Still unanswered questions. I can't let the family fall/fail. Will find work soon. I commit to honor you and the Lord daily. I can't see a future. I can barely see past today. I can barely see to the end of today. I can't write unless it is to you. I try anyway. I take 3 baby steps forward. I fall back a lot. My body feels like an empty vessel. Our princess gives me strength. I feel love, she is love. I don't feel my heart. My body feels hollow. I don't know where my heart is. Time slips thru my fingers. They suggest I move. I change things. They ask questions I can't answer. Please don't make me think. I will fall backwards again. Lots of hugs. I look for one like his. It doesn't exist yet. Lots of prayers. Lots of help. I feel proud and full of gratitude. I am trying. Moment by moment. i will be a mosaic one day. Right now I am just broken. Nights are the hardest. They have been for 20 days & counting...

Sweet love...I am trapped in our love...
How can I give that up. It was one of the purest examples of love seen. I am grateful for it and have no regret. I would do it all over again despite the unbearable pain.

My heart & I are buried in dust...Free me, Free us...
I was free with you. How long will the Lord keep me here away from you. I can't go. I have to care for our princess. Don't fall, wait for me there.

You are all I need, if you walk away I will suffer tonight...
& I have suffered every night for 20 days and counting. Will this be my new life? Faith and sorrow, Love and pain, hurt, loss, and plowing thru?

I found a man I can trust, & boy I believed in us ...
I am terrified to lose for the first time, I am bound to you...
Can't you see that I am bound by chains, I had finally found my way, I am bound to you....

So much, So young, I faced on my own
Walls I build up becoming my home....
I thought that you were my reward. Perhaps you were. I just didn't know how little time we would have.
Sweet love, so pure....
Can't catch my breath...
Please don't tear this apart.

Suddenly the moments here, only I am living my fears, I am terrified to loose for the first time.
I am bound to you...........