The Young Widow - 6 Months
March 6th 2012
For a long time, it felt like only a few days had passed by. It seems that all of the sudden the reality of how long he has been away from me has hit. Our short time together is becoming a story that I repeat. It seams that the memories are like shadows of the past. It is bitter sweet for a few reasons.
I finally feel a strong turning point in my grief. I feel the desire to get back to who I am. I can look at his pictures. I no longer am okay with lingering around aimlessly. I honestly believe that the lingering is a necessary step. It is not waisted time. It has it's important purpose. I am glad that I didn't push through or make myself awkwardly available to visits from friends because there were things that had to become real for me. In the very beginning there is so much shock and disbelief that everything is altered. You think you want things that you don't. You make decisions that maybe you should not have. You feel hurt or anger toward things that may not matter later. How I felt was so new and strange to me that I felt that I could go crazy. I felt that I could really lose myself in this. A feeling would come over me here and there that this is not what I want, but I was not strong enough to do something about it until just recently. I didn't have the will, yet. I visualize it as a well. I fell in. I just laid down there for a while and stared up towards the heavens. Then I sat up, still staring for some time. Then I stood and scratched my head, unable to get a hold of my thoughts. Then I started pacing. I was finally feeling uncomfortable with where I was. Now, finally, I am climbing. I will stumble. I will fall. There is no doubt that I will bruise and have days when I will have to lay still again, but it will be different. It will only be a rest.
During this journey, I have had to let go of some opportunities. I have had to come to terms with what I could do and what I could no longer do. I am constantly having to learn things about myself. What can I handle and what I just don't want to deal with. I realized that my long time career in sales had to take a back seat for a while. I know that I could do it. I know that my skills are the same, but I do not have the heart or the drive for it right now. This is not a failure to me. I deactivated my own business. I loved the business and it was very, very promising but it can change completely if I am not ready to dedicate myself. It will come on it's own time. I thought this day of strength would never come and it did. Everything will come in it's own time. I am excited to simplify my life and move forward peacefully.
I still can't see too far ahead, but I am patient. I am not angry. I can finally feel my heart in my chest again. I feel my own spirit again. I have wishes and desires for the future. I am planning, tho not too far ahead. I am no longer gray, I am regaining my color. I am learning who I am after having lost. I have a memory issue, so I do fear the loss of all the memories. I know that some are gone already, but I can't worry about the things I have no control over. I am tempted to write some stories here so that when I forget, I can read about them. Perhaps that is why I write the way I do. I have to put myself into the writing so that I can come back and get to know the parts of myself that my memory won't hold. It is comforting to know that I won't forget my husband, at least not until I'm an old woman. I will only lose some of our stories.
So what does the future hold? I have no idea. All I can say is that I have great faith and an open mind. I want for nothing. I need for simplicity and tranquility. There is a lingering idea that what once belonged to my daughter and I, long ago, will be returned to us. If that day never comes, we will be fine and happy. Yes, and happy...
My Prince is a love story. A chapter in my life that I am eternally grateful for. Death will not alter love and the chapter will always remain unchanged, but the book does not end in this chapter. It can't. Those that I have chosen to love (family, romantically, or in friendship) stay loved no matter if life has taken them in another direction, if they are distant, if they are cyber friends, or if they no longer live. These are conditions after all and I am not conditional.
Comments
I wrote it in Afrikaans.
- AUTHOR
Dessert, the poem sounds wonderful. I love the visual I am getting from your discription. Perhaps I will share it with my angel girl. What language did you write it in?
Read it - gave me a lot to think about. As always very beautifully written
A few years ago I wrote a poem for my children for them to understand the circel of life so in the event of our (parent's) passing they will understand and maybe it will bring them comfort. Unfortunately it is in a different language so I can only tell you the story behind the poem.
It is about a big united tree (being the parents) growing big and strong. Then the seeds fall to the ground and little trees start to grow - they grow very well in the shade of the big old united tree with huge branches protecting them from the harsh sun and winter cold and forcefull winds. Then the little trees grow and their branches reach out underneath the bit tree's branches. They burn in the sun and the wind brakes them and they start to grow again even stronger than they were. So the small trees develope and one day the big old tree starts to loose his leaves. Next goes the branches - breaking off one by one until it is only the bare old trunk left amidst the nice strong young trees. The old trunk becomes firewood and the young trees grow to big trees with big shadows and thick leaves to protect the next generation of seeds.
Read it - gave me a lot to think about. Very well written. Keep it up!!!!
- AUTHOR
I take a peek and venture out but not wanting to open to see the wings or take flight yet. I can feel them growing tho...slowly. You inspired me to write today and for that I thank you. It is called The Young Widow - Change.
I fully agree with you. Maybe we should just nest some more in the cocoon until ready to try the new wings. Maybe we will become one person again and not half a person as we feel now.
- AUTHOR
I suppose that a moth or butterfly would feel the same. It must be hard to spread wings and fly for the first time. There can be beauty and purpose in change although it is very difficult. I believe that we are in our cocoons right now. It is the darkness before the change. Thru sorrow we are able to see meaning and purpose more clearly than others. It allows us to avoid the useless and appreciate the meaningful. We are changed for always.
Thank you for the blessings and for reading me. I sometimes wonder what "normal" is. We cannot go back to the lives we had - which was "normal" - so the new life we have to dig out for ourselves I suppose will not be the same "normal" as we keep on thinking it should be. We have changed forever. One cannot be the same person as before as we had a shared life/soul/mind/body. On our own we are not that same "shared" person. Scary .... I cannot find myself.
Thank you so much for reading me and your blessings. I know it is very difficult for you as well but I also know we all will get through this terrible grief. We will learn to cope. We have to - we still have children / family / friends. I have 3 children - no family - no one I would call a close friend. My husband filled my life together with my children and I still have them (and 3 dogs) so I am very thankful for that.
God bless you and may the sun shine for you always.
- AUTHOR
What a beautiful comment. Thank you desert bunny. I write what I think. I appreciate the compliment. Perhaps you should just write what is in your head and heart. Even if you decide not to share it, it will provide such a rewarding release.
I know exactly what you mean about the feeling of nothingness. We go up and down and I expect that it will be the way with us for quite sometime. I decided to be a friend to me and just accept it instead of trying so hard to get back to normal. That too is helping. I just re-watched the movie 'what dreams may come'. I am not sure that our husbands miss everything. The idea that they do not puts a smile on my face.
God bless your long marriage. Gob bless your hurting heart. I look forward to reading more from you. Thank you for reading me. I have more to write but often find it hard to sit still and concentrate.
Very beautifully written. I wish I had your gift for words just so I could relay my feelings. This morning I woke up for the first time since my husband died 10 months ago and felt alive - breathing. I could actually hear the birds outside. My heart ofcourse is still in a million peaces but I am getting used to the feeling. Grieving is extremely painfull. Physically and mentally. I feel the grief build up inside and then it feels as if it is so strong that when it escapes my body through sobbing and tears it goes out into the universe and reaches far beyond the stars. It leaves me into a shaking and crying bundle of nothingness. I feel so sad when I think that my husband will never be able to smell the sweet smell of flowers drifting on the mellowing evening breeze during summer. Or feel the slight breeze on his face in the early morning carrying the happy chirping of the little birds to ones ears. We used to sit outside in summer once the sun went to sleep and just chilled - sometimes even did some serious gossiping while sipping nice wine and just basking in each others company. We were married for 35 years and I loved him so much. Maybe tomorrow will also be a good day.
Keep up with you writings - it is a great help to know that one isn't alone in our situation and to understand ones own feelings.
- AUTHOR
Thank you for reading and supporting. This was my therapy and the comments helped in so many ways.
Moms-secret thank you so much for sharing the young widow..6 months..
- AUTHOR
Love you too! A bunch...
Love you girlie!!
- AUTHOR
Thank you Becky for your comments. You are right, I am not rushing and I am not through but I feel more peaceful now than I have been through out. I am so grateful for that. The questions no longer out weigh the truth witch is such a relief. Your consistency and kind words have been awesome. I really appreciate it.
I saw it and knew you were feeling it. I am happy that you are moving forward now. I will keep praying for you, you are not through this yet. I believe it is better to let your mind work through all of this on its own. On its own but not alone. That is how you are now and with your little girl and your friends, you will never be alone. You can still call on us if you need. We will still be here for you. No need to rush it, it takes time to deal with this.
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