The Young Widow - 6 Months
March 6th 2012
For a long time, it felt like only a few days had passed by. It seems that all of the sudden the reality of how long he has been away from me has hit. Our short time together is becoming a story that I repeat. It seams that the memories are like shadows of the past. It is bitter sweet for a few reasons.
I finally feel a strong turning point in my grief. I feel the desire to get back to who I am. I can look at his pictures. I no longer am okay with lingering around aimlessly. I honestly believe that the lingering is a necessary step. It is not waisted time. It has it's important purpose. I am glad that I didn't push through or make myself awkwardly available to visits from friends because there were things that had to become real for me. In the very beginning there is so much shock and disbelief that everything is altered. You think you want things that you don't. You make decisions that maybe you should not have. You feel hurt or anger toward things that may not matter later. How I felt was so new and strange to me that I felt that I could go crazy. I felt that I could really lose myself in this. A feeling would come over me here and there that this is not what I want, but I was not strong enough to do something about it until just recently. I didn't have the will, yet. I visualize it as a well. I fell in. I just laid down there for a while and stared up towards the heavens. Then I sat up, still staring for some time. Then I stood and scratched my head, unable to get a hold of my thoughts. Then I started pacing. I was finally feeling uncomfortable with where I was. Now, finally, I am climbing. I will stumble. I will fall. There is no doubt that I will bruise and have days when I will have to lay still again, but it will be different. It will only be a rest.
During this journey, I have had to let go of some opportunities. I have had to come to terms with what I could do and what I could no longer do. I am constantly having to learn things about myself. What can I handle and what I just don't want to deal with. I realized that my long time career in sales had to take a back seat for a while. I know that I could do it. I know that my skills are the same, but I do not have the heart or the drive for it right now. This is not a failure to me. I deactivated my own business. I loved the business and it was very, very promising but it can change completely if I am not ready to dedicate myself. It will come on it's own time. I thought this day of strength would never come and it did. Everything will come in it's own time. I am excited to simplify my life and move forward peacefully.
I still can't see too far ahead, but I am patient. I am not angry. I can finally feel my heart in my chest again. I feel my own spirit again. I have wishes and desires for the future. I am planning, tho not too far ahead. I am no longer gray, I am regaining my color. I am learning who I am after having lost. I have a memory issue, so I do fear the loss of all the memories. I know that some are gone already, but I can't worry about the things I have no control over. I am tempted to write some stories here so that when I forget, I can read about them. Perhaps that is why I write the way I do. I have to put myself into the writing so that I can come back and get to know the parts of myself that my memory won't hold. It is comforting to know that I won't forget my husband, at least not until I'm an old woman. I will only lose some of our stories.
So what does the future hold? I have no idea. All I can say is that I have great faith and an open mind. I want for nothing. I need for simplicity and tranquility. There is a lingering idea that what once belonged to my daughter and I, long ago, will be returned to us. If that day never comes, we will be fine and happy. Yes, and happy...
My Prince is a love story. A chapter in my life that I am eternally grateful for. Death will not alter love and the chapter will always remain unchanged, but the book does not end in this chapter. It can't. Those that I have chosen to love (family, romantically, or in friendship) stay loved no matter if life has taken them in another direction, if they are distant, if they are cyber friends, or if they no longer live. These are conditions after all and I am not conditional.