The Young Widow - Blocked
There are certain pictures that I use that reflect where I am. I post things that speak to me. The segment above screamed out to me. I saw myself, the water sprite. happily creating my world, embracing everything I loved and helping it grow. Suddenly, my path led me to a dark place. One that destroyed a lot of what I loved and threatened to destroy me. Down I lay, hurt and discouraged. Love came to lift me and carry me while injured. It showed me reasons to move forward and heal. I am here now. I am being restored, slowly. Soon, I will soar again, peacefully, and re-grow my loving world greener and stronger than it was...
I will even be able to make beautiful the place where I was nearly destroyed. Blocks do not last forever.
I love it.
Being blocked is something of an acquired taste. It takes a lot to accept stumbling thru life with little control especially for someone like me. I do not need to always be in control, but I like some control. I have so many things to write about but can't bring myself to write. I have so many things that I would like to read and can't bring myself to read. I have a world of things to get done but can't bring myself to do. Small accomplishments carry the weight of huge leaps and bounds in my current condition. Ironically, I am excited to say that I am in a better place. I can see forward. I feel the desire to write, read, and do. Desire is the first step to action. Knowing this brings me joy. I have desire! My frustration with the slow process of getting to the next step is the very same thing that is responsible for preparing me for the next step. I am growing and I love it even with the growing pains. Everyday, I gain an inch. One inch closer to escaping the ditch. Everyday, the inch makes me smile. I accept the inch and I do not beat myself up when I back slide, which is at least once a week. At times it feels like you are stuck. My heart breaks for those who can not see or appreciate the inch.
Writing always came naturally to me. I am not the draft writer type especially here. What I think, I write. Being blocked does not mean that I am at a loss for thoughts. It is really the complete opposite. There are so many thoughts running random and wild in me that I am not able to catch one long enough to commit it to paper. It causes me to have difficulty sitting still and moving. It does not allow me to rest or act. Great fuel for insomnia. It is as close as I have ever been to understanding the mind of a crazy person. Which makes me question institutions. I think the worse thing you can do is lock an overloaded mind in a padded room with no distraction. I see it enabling more craziness. The thoughts are often contradicting and argue amongst themselves. At times, they ring so loudly that they can be described as voices. I think it is interesting although wildly inconvenient as it tends to swallow up time at extreme speeds. How many unwritten works lay by the wayside in the aftermath of my battle of the mind?
The care of my daughter is the only thing that can inspire immediate and long term focus. Everything else requires a lot of effort. Some weeks, I am hugely successful (to my new standards, anyway). Other weeks, I just say I will try again next week. I stay away from feeling disappointed about the battles that I lose. I stay submissive to my mood and energy levels. I think, while frustrating, it will bring me out of this sooner without the huge ups and downs. I like steady, even if it is not exactly where I want to be. It's a lot less stressful and I am able to move forward faster without having to pick myself all the way up from the extreme lows. I can deal with no extreme highs if there are no extreme lows to deal with either. I think that is fair.
For those of you out there who are where I am, embrace it. Keep your sanity by not comparing yourself to others or even to yourself before. On the days that your accomplishments only include a shower and brushing your teeth, celebrate it and do not judge. Maybe tomorrow you can add one more thing to that list and by the end of the week, you may surprise yourself.
Many Blessings - M.Secrets
L.Reina 4/23/2012 10:22 am