The Young Widow - Closure
I never had much use or desire for closure. I honestly think that it has always been a fool's quest since it has never been known to change much of anything. Sure good can come from hindsight knowledge, but that depends on what someone does with the information they have been given, not on closure. The simple act of knowing the reason behind any situation does not mean that something good will come of it. So I waited 77 days for the answers to everyone else's questions. The few people I have shared the answers with, in the few days that I have had them, don't know what to do with the information. They, like myself, were just left with more new questions. Some of which can never be answered. At least not by any Doctor, or human for that matter. So I put them aside. These questions are of no use to me. They do nothing for me but swallow the hours in a day. They are nothing more than fuel for tears and fears. Their only desire is to fill my mind and yours with useless banter. No good will come of it. I have the power to choose. It is not an easy thing to do but isn't the right path usually narrow?
So now I know what stole my husband from me. I always knew in my heart that he parted from me naturally. The lingering doubt from others tested my persistence. I had to use all of my will to push away the doubtful thoughts and 'what ifs'. I could not even bare to think that someone could have been responsible for my Prince's death. Anger and frustration are normal emotions when dealing with grief, but there were worse feelings and emotions that would start mustering inside me when someone talked about the possibility that someone could be responsible and had spent all this time hiding the truth. So, when this topic came up, I deliberately spaced out. I needed to wait. The others prepared themselves for war. A rift was formed. Closure does not repair a rift. The truth left them having to start anew. They had no war to hang on to. No cause to fight for. The news that was supposed to bring them a small amount of peace actually took more from them. The warrior who wanted to battle to the death, looked down, completely lost as my news stole the desire away. It was as if all of this person's strength came from the war they created in their mind. Where will they displace the residual feelings now? The faithful soldier who shared the desire and wanted nothing more than to please the warrior and fill some of the void the Prince had left was also left with nothing.
My mother still suffers for the loss of the Prince who so cared for & loved her girls. She suffers separately for the individual grief journey of each girl. No matter how hard she tries, she can't take the burden from us. The answers didn't change anything for her.
My wish now is for dealing, healing, and growing to take the space left by the elimination of a battle or war for those who have news, but no closure. Should a war have been needed, I would fight. I am not for war since it does not return my Prince to me, but I would have done it to save another from a widow's journey. Thankfully, that is not what was needed.
A widow, however, faces many battles. So, I will continue to be still, without premature reaction or preparation.