The Young Widow - Enough
Help me process
What would you want done with your loved one's ashes?
I don't know how this hub is going to read. I usually like to calm down and think things out before I put things to paper, but I can't right now. It looks like my thoughts, however rough or irrational are going on this paper. I have really had all that I am going to take.
Somewhere, I mentioned that a widow faces many battles, not wanting to put to much of myself out here so publicly. Armed with the heat of my own frustration, I am ready to share. There are two sides to every story, there always is but I don't understand the other side. All I see is my side and I am having trouble dealing with it. I have lost My Prince. I have lost a man that loved my daughter as his own and accepted me completely. He didn't want to change a single thing about me. I liked the silver strands in my ebony hair even tho I am too young to have them, I like the way I am without make up, I am not a commercial woman at all and my husband adored me as I was. I loved him fearlessly and the loss is huge. I accepted this man as my husband expecting to grow old with him and less than 5 years after meeting him, he was taken from me. This same story has caused 2 to lose a son and others to lose a brother.
Both the bible and the law says that a man and woman leave their parents and become one under marriage. When someone in a marriage dies, the other is left to make all of the decisions, arrangements, and payments. I didn't design it this way. This is how it is. I don't know why there is an expectation of me to make these decision by democratic vote. Regardless of what you believe, he spoke of what he wanted done in life. It was a conversation that came up after the loss of one of his beloved pets. I am sorry that you guys didn't want it done that way, but my obligation is not to you. It never has been. I was chosen because of my strength, my fierce love, and devotion. I will not change to make you feel better. Not at the expense of doing what is right by him. Our marriage was private. We made our decisions together. We made decisions about you together without your assistance. Our financial decisions, our plans, our dreams, all private. I have done things on my own all my life and so has he. He didn't consult you. He was the King of his life, it was not a democracy. Why it surprises you that I handled everything without your assistance when we both showed you who and how we were, long ago, is beyond me. I understand that you wanted to have more of a part in things. Your part was to be present and grieve. To say beautiful things. To be with him during his viewing. To let others support you and tell you stories about him. It is a gift not to have to go thru the things I faced in making these preparations. While making these things happen, I specifically prayed that God give me strength. That my shoulders were younger and with out health issues. That I would bare most of the weight. I don't expect to be thanked, but to be constantly challenged? To be judged? To be questioned and accused every step of the way? Do you think I don't know the things that were done along the way? I respect you. I wrote it off as unclear thinking while under grief. I didn't even bring it up to you. Now, tomorrow is four months later, and you will not rest.
The battles came from the start. Days after the service, so young in my grief, I was cornered alone and told of all the things that were disliked. The things that I did wrong right down to what I wore. I sat there and watched as you read down your list. I chose not to be angry. I said it was just the grief. I explained a few things that I know now fell on deaf ears. I took it and left. This man had a service that reflected his greatness and his love and it was not good enough for you. The thing that you do not understand is that it was not done for either of you.
From the first moment, I was blamed & suspected - the statement will live in me forever.
I have been accused of keeping secrets - yet everything done to me and said about me is not done if front of me.
I have been accused of lying.
I have been accused of being selfish - because I have not yet honored the request for possessions.
I have been accused of being controlling and not sharing - because I did make the arrangements alone. This one I don't disagree with.
I have been followed and investigated - It got back to me early on.
The list is so much longer than I care to share. It had fresh, new entries added today. I don't write everything because my goal here is not to make them the enemy or for anyone to choose sides. Some things are just to bad to write and I am pretty sure that they do not know, have not bothered to think about, or do not care what it is doing to me. I am just publicly announcing that I am not here to please you. That was never my intention. I am really writing just to get it off my chest. This has been my therapy and I often see more clearly after it. I also enjoy the non-biased comments I get. The encouraging words of strangers breath life into me. They are like a fuel source. It is apparent that the love they had for me was connected to his life only. I feel that, even tho they say that they want me near them, it is best that I keep my distance. They so want to be pleased, but I am not able to and was never interested in being a pleaser. I live honestly, not by the expectations of others. I just need my head clear in order to make decisions that will not be biased by my own frustration.
This new level of frustration came because I opened up to someone and asked for help with something I was struggling with. They used my need to fuel the feud and confronted me unexpectedly, again! They didn't care that my daughter was next to me and could hear at least half of the phone conversation. They didn't ask me why. They don't know that I have processed decisions and have chosen based on a feeling of piece that I feel can only be coming from my husband or God. I had my husband cremated. It was what he wanted. We talked about it when we lost one of our beloved shitzu sons last december. Of coarse, we are young, we don't have wills. The family doesn't believe me and was against the decision. I told them, in the beginning, that I would try to go ahead with there wishes. I tried to justify disobeying his wishes. It didn't work. I couldn't go thru with it. I don't regret it. When I decided to honor only my husband, discussions began about splitting ashes. Again, I tried. I prayed. I wished I could hear my husband, but I can't. I don't know how he would feel. Some say it is no big deal, I don't feel the same way. I am not keeping the ashes in my home. He is to be spread in the ocean by his favorite beach. I send a message to his brother explaining the hardship I was having about splitting the ashes and invited him to talk about it with me so I can make a decision. My honesty started another war. I still don't have any idea what to do and I have to know for tomorrow. In anger, I don't want to be around them but I will put it aside when it is time to spread the remains. I am trying not to make the splitting decision because I am angry or to please them. I am stuck at a crossroads again. There are so many in this new life of mine. I just don't know what he would have wanted. He loved his beach and his freedom long before he knew me. I don't feel the decisions are at all selfish. Sigh...
Inhabited - Open my eyes
Confusion is all over me and I am blind, I can't see. I'm letting go, letting go, will you take control of me. Would you open my eyes? Will you take me by the hand? When I'm running thru the storm, I will trust in you.