TYW: Haphazardly

If I scream, If I cry...

It's only because I feel alive...

11 months have passed. What a learning process. So much has happened in that time. Time stops for no one. I am happy to say that I have healed a lot. My one goal was not to be angry with God and I am happy that it was accomplished. He is a big guy and am sure he could have taken it but I have always known that what lives must also die and that we are delicate. I don't pretend that we are invincible and was never one to take time for granted. Every wound has its scar that will stay forever but I am at peace. The process continues, of coarse.

I still stumble thru life haphazardly. I do what I do, I say yes more than I should, I procrastinate, I cut things close, and I have forgotten some of my responsibilities from time to time. My only priority is my child and she is the only area in life that I have not faltered in. I am sure I am making mistakes with her as well. There is so much to notice and I am so numb. In short, I have made plenty of mistakes. I don't take unnecessary risks or anything like that but the fact is that I have made mistakes since the day this whole thing started. For the first time in my life, I have even been selfish. Even more surprising is that I do not regret a single mistake. Some things may have been out of character for me. Seeing the uselessness of so many things around me is not always a good thing. I don't know how heavy the price for my "year or two off" is going to be but the way I see it is that the price is mine alone so I have the right to go thru the changes I am going to go thru without worrying about the judgement of others. I was not ever particularly concerned about others and their views before and now this process has made me care less about it. I don't fear judgement from others. I believed in the natural flow. I believed that everything had its purpose including the people who come in and out of your life. I never believed in living up to the expectations of others and I do not require social acceptance or judgement. That is what it comes down to. Who is offended by my distance? Who thinks my alienation is considered rude? Who does not like how this has seemed to harden me? Who is concerned about my moral compass? Officially, I am in transition. My compass has been compromised by the magnetic field that comes with trauma. I have been feeling my way around. I live in the moment. It is very freeing and often frustrating. It takes a lot to deal with not having any idea what lies ahead. Honestly, none of us do. The difference is that you get to still walk around naive to it and I see it clearly every waking minute. In some ways I envy you and in more ways I do not.

In this process, I have learned that as much as I loved my husband my story does not end with our time together. I have learned that, while I am not looking for love, I would love again when the time is right for it. My legacy has always been that of love. I know that I will always love my husband and no other story will overshadow his. I am not sure that I will ever be married again. I am in no way volunteering for the dating game. I just know that if another heart reaches mine and a connection is made (which is rare), I would not dismiss it because my heart longs for a man that does not exist on this earth anymore. I would not forge a battle within myself about whether or not this is the right thing to do or wonder how long my husband would have waited before feeling again. I respect anyone's decision in this situation. It is not an easy one to make. I think age has a lot to do with it. Choosing to live life to the fullest when you don't feel complete yourself is hard. It is not the path for all of us.

I am severely picky. While I have met a lot of great people in my life, the connection that attracts me is rare. I was never in search of it when I found it and while they both ended in their own way, they were both beautiful stories. If I am blessed to stumble on it again, I will again follow the flow and see where it takes me. Haphazardly...