The Young Widow - Life Goes On They Say
45 days into grief...
Despite my seemingly positive disposition, I have had huge obstacles in my life. These hardships, while they have proven that I can overcome the odds, have not done much to help me with the loss of my love personified. My husband is the King of my heart. It is hard to wander around what once was our kingdom without him.
They all say that only time will heal. I know that this statement is not at all true. Not for this. Time, will, and faith healed me of my past obstacles, but this is not an obstacle. This is not something that can be dealt with. This does not leave you. This is a permanent scar on your heart. This is a deformity that can not be corrected or removed. Do you know that if a collar is placed around the neck of a dog too tightly, the dog's skin will grow around it? That is what this is. My skin is growing around this pain and it is now a part of me that will never go away. This is who I am now. I was married to a beautiful man who died too young and with out warning. Time does not change that. Time is unable to diminish that. I can live for more than 60 years with out him and it will still be a true statement. Time will not dull the statement. The statement will still cause me pain and tears. Maybe not the amount that are attacking me as I write this, but having learned how to control them does not equal healing.
Time is not a friend. It does not heal. Time is an authority. It moves forward, pulling you along with it by the ear. Compelling you to take the steps even when you do not want to. It threatens you and scolds you. "You must move forward, You have obligations!" Not listening places your belongings in jeopardy. "Move forward, the house will not pay or clean itself! Unless you want to lose it..." People with jobs have to return to it, getting fired is not ideal after all. Tears are not professional, have to protect the job. All the meaningless material crap that does nothing but monopolize your time and funds now have to be maintained even though they are useless to you now. This is what time does. Time teaches you. Time makes you functional. It makes you get used to answering 'ok' or 'fine' when asked 'How are you doing?' It makes you live and survive in the moment. Is this healing to you? Time trains you to withstand the pain. The same method is used for extreme martial arts. Kick the wooden plank using your shin, it will hurt at first, then it will be tender and bruised, then it will harden. My heart will harden one day. The pain of starting another day with out him is impossible now, it will become tender and bruised, then will be tolerable because of all the practice I will get. The nights that torment me and keep me awake are now training me to be tolerant of them in the future.
No time is not a friend to me. Time is life. Life goes on. It does not care what I am feeling or thinking. It doesn't care if I have no strength left, if I am on auto pilot, or if I will collapse. It passes regardless of what I think, say, or do. It is not the fault of time that others have wrongfully accused it of having healing powers. As much anger as I felt towards time earlier in my grief, time remains consistent. It is neither friend or foe. It never made any promises.