The Young Widow - Loss
How fitting it would be to say that I lost you and you lost me
I sit here in our home starring at the last place you position was known
I still search, tho many months roll by, because you were just here by my side
I just had you here in my hands. What my mind and body knows, my heart and soul does not want to understand.
The Persistence of Memory
For those of us who go through the sudden loss of a loved one, it is very difficult to come to terms with reality. I know what is real. That is not the problem at all. It is the surreal feeling that takes a while to leave you. Some people feel this more than others. I feel for the mother's who lose young children. In any example, youthful death is hard to swallow.
Most parents have had a tiny dose of this feeling of surreal loss at least once. If you ever looked away from your little one for a split second and had them disappear, you have had a small taste of it. Your eyebrows squish together, panic sets in, and your mind attacks. They were just here. This makes no sense. I think I was there, in that mental state for months. The worst of it, of coarse being the first few weeks. In the first days, you wake up still expecting to greet your loved one and every morning you have to recall what your new truth is. The question comes into your mind, 'was it a nightmare?' Of coarse, condolence cards and other evidence sends the truth racing back into your brain. No one tells you how much longer never is than forever.
I don't know if you go through the same motions that I do. I usually lose something. Lets say it was my keys. I will go to the place that I thought I last placed them. I will look else where and constantly gravitate to the place that they should be. For every new place that I search unsuccessfully, I will go re-check the place they should be. I had the same feeling and habits about my husband. I was given directions the afternoon before, which I followed. Death, however, does not play fair or make sense. He should have been in our home, so I kept looking for a long time because it made no sense that he would leave so early. It is not how it was supposed to be. That one last sentence holds you in your place of grief for a really long time. You are just stuck looking for what was lost and what was supposed to be. It is your very own underland filled with strange creatures. Curiouser and curiouser...
I actually remember trying to describe the surreal world that grief had thrown me into. I told someone that I was living in a world painted by Salvador Dali.
I imagine for a mother who loses a child it is the same or worse. There are toys, clothes, and everything else in the room waiting for them. That is where they should be. They were just there a second ago. It makes no sense that they are not here now. All these statements of disbelief like: but I just saw them, we just made plans, and they were just here keep pounding into your brain that this nightmare is not the truth, they are not lost, they are misplaced and will be found soon.
I am now okay with reflecting back, I couldn't put it into words before. That is the only reason that I am able to attempt to describe this bout of insanity, tho I am not sure how effective it will be. There are so many people out there who want to know what it is like. They want to offer loving support to friends and relatives in grief but truly do not understand so they really are at a loss for words. Maybe if they had an idea of what they were going thru, you could be more supportive. I guess this is one reason that I write it.
If this makes no sense at all, it just shows me that perhaps I was not as ready as I thought I was to explain this particular part of grief. While some parts still seem fake at times, I am past this part. Thank the Lord!