The Young Widow - The last day of 2011
SIGH... Beware of hubs that start this way. I feel as if I am being pushed, pulled, and dragged toward a place that I do not want to enter. I have what so many want but I have never asked for. A complete blank canvas. An entire new life, unrecognizable and unpredictable. The problem is that I am in love with my old life. The life that I had with My Prince. He has been the only person in the world, other than my daughter, that had accepted me with out wanting to change anything about me. Not one single thing! That is rare. I am so different. Wanting to change me comes easily for some. I am moments away from entering into a year that I will have never known my prince's voice. I will have never felt his touch. I will have never been his wife. 2011 was a hard year that ended in the most horrible way, but it was still a great year. Any year that has a memory of us has to be a good year, regardless of anything that has happened. It, like My Prince, will be completely and utterly gone. There is nothing that I can do about it. What can be said? SIGH...
In moments the year that I don't want to let go of will leave me forever. I will have no power to hold it. I just sit here and wait for it to happen, completely helpless. In moments, I would have to say that I last saw you last year. You last held me last year. You left my side, for always, last year. I was married to you last year. My love died last year. Yes, a whole new year is coming. A whole new beginning is here. I take our girl's hand and walk blindly forward into the abyss armed and defensive without knowing what this new year really means for us. Where does this path lead? Where will it take us? I feel lost in underland. Your death is the beast that I must slay. Everything is surreal and undistinguishable. Happy New Year they say. Happy New Year. Tears drown my insides and wait there turn to be released. They will build up and wait until I am alone. Then, I will be able to be in the condition that no one is allowed to see. No one will hear my voice admit to the words on this page. My strength lies in my silence after all. The sound of my voice can very well cause the collapse of it all. But this will not happen tonight. My princess is home.
My daughter has saved my life so many times. I can't hit the low that waits for me because she is here. I can smile and rejoice with her. We talk about resolutions; what they are and why people make them. We went to the playground, cooked together, and blew stuff up. That was my favorite part. I have to say that fireworks are very therapeutic. There is something about blowing stuff up mixed with the beauty of sparkly fire that makes me feel better. We baked cookies, got some sparkling grape juice, and are watching Jem. Our simple 'celebration'. I am just not able to find a reason to celebrate this one particular year. I celebrate another year along side my princess and feel gratitude.
Happy New Year.