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The war on my mind

Updated on February 9, 2016

The monster in my mind

I have a terrible secret. It's terrible, not because of something I did, but because it's tormenting, because it's painful, because it always comes back. There is a war on my mind. No, I'm not talking about the government, satan, or even drugs. Yes, all of these things do war on our minds, but the specific war I'm speaking of, is the battle between reality, and fantasy. The battle between truth and fiction. The battle of schizophrenia.

Schizophrenia has been described in many ways. From hallucinations (hearing voices) to delusions ( thinking I'm being watched) many people are afraid of this word, and of the people who have this illness.

The media and holly wood like everyone to think that schizophrenics are mad men killers. But most of us.... Most of us are hiding from the world in our rooms listening to music and crying tears of frustration. Most of us are hiding inside ourselves, for fear of what others will say or do. Most of us are too busy fighting this monster in our minds, to fight people, or the stereotypes they put on us.

Schizophrenia causes terror, but not the way people think. It causes terror to the sufferer. Most people with this disease live in constant fear. Most of us just want to be normal. But really? we have no clue what that looks like.

There are many paths that people with schizophrenia can take. Mostly, though, we all get thrown in a bucket that says psychotic and handed tranquilizers that will maybe help. Mostly, they help some, but we have to try 8 to 10 different med cocktails to get the right one. And, once we find something that works... Well, they can just stop working for no good reason. Your body adjusts to the medicines over time. Then, when you try to come off of a med to go on a new med, well, lets just say it's got more in common with the D.T.'s than it does a nice smooth transition. Trust me, This is experience speaking.

There are many different views on mental illness, but the only view that knows the true story, is the view from the inside of a mind ravaged with it.

There is a hunger, A hunger for someone to understand, for someone to believe, for someone to help. There is a hunger for knowledge about what is happening, and for peace, and for quiet. But more than anything,

There is a hunger, to just be free of these torments that flood our minds every minute of every day.

My advice to those with schizophrenia, do the best you can and try to find a great counselor and a psychiatrist who will really research your case before the meds are started or changed. Get to know Jesus if you don't already, I would never have made it this far without Him.

To those who love someone with schizophrenia, be patient, be available, be loving, believe them. They need real support.

God bless

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    • denise.w.anderson profile image

      Denise W Anderson 18 months ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      My daughter was diagnosed with schizzo-affective disorder as a young adult. Like you said, it takes many different trials of medication to find the right combination that works. We are grateful to be in a position to have a somewhat "normal" existence, at least for now. We realize that one day, that may not be the case. Each time her body goes through major growth changes, we start all over again!