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Those Are Not My Eyes

Updated on April 28, 2010

 

I swear my life is strange. I sometimes think a television camera should be following me because half of the stuff that happens I don’t believe myself. My dad had this saying, “Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.” I get it now.

Hold on to your hats guys the theme of today’s topic is BOOBS, TATAS, FUN BAGS or whatever you want to call them. I know that they are a favorite; I see it in your eyes all the time. BREASTICLES are cool cause they come in all shapes and sizes and have a personality all of their own. So they must be talked about because I am definitely having a BEWBIE day.

I had a wicked night last night full of booze and debauchery ok well maybe just booze. This makes this morning even more hilarious to me, possibly because I am still intoxicated.

I wake up this morning and head to the puter to check things out. The first email I see is from my mom. I actually had to read it twice to make sure she was serious. My mother sent me an email to tell me that they were giving out free mammograms at the neighborhood grocery store. Don’t get me wrong anything free is good but this immediately puts way too many visuals in my head. TATAS on display next to the melons or in the dairy aisle, I could take this joke to the end of the day. In fact I tried to take it there when I called my mother back laughing hysterically. My mother actually said to me, “Leave the stand up to Wanda Sykes.” I took it as a complement I might have to start going on tour if I am as good as Wanda Sykes. My mom finally hung up with me not out of disgust but because she was laughing (and I could hear her shaking her head at me in disbelief) and at work.

See BOOBS have been an issue with me since I was in elementary school. This might be hard for some of you to understand but that is when I first started to develop. And trust me it was no easy task being young with growing KNOCKERS that everyone was noticing. I would be easily disgusted by many old men ogling my CHEST. Salivating like the big bad wolf in Little Red Riding Hood. I was too young to understand what was going on but old enough to know that I did not like it one bit. Little did I know that my BREASTS would some day rule my world.

So it only took me about an hour to get over the BOOB check in the grocery store email. Actually I will never be over that I will probably make cracks at my mom for a few more weeks to come. And if I actually do go and get my mammogram there (yes I am considering it) that will only extend my jokes for another week or so maybe even longer.

After reading my emails and doing a bit of work it was time for me to head out and take two of my three kids to daycare. Yep still have a sick one at home. This is usually the time that I run my errands to get them out of my way so that I can come home and focus on work. Today I only had a couple of quick errands; medicine for sick kid and Gatorade for sick kid….too bad the liquor store wasn’t open yet or I would have gotten a little treat for mom too. While I was standing in line at the store a man came and stood in line behind me. He made some comment under his breath and I tried to ignore him but knew that he was going to make conversation with me. If I haven’t mentioned this yet I should state for the record that I am one of those people that has, “please-come-talk-to-me-even- if-I-have-a-disgusted-look-on-my-face, have-earphones-on-or-look-genuinely- disinterested-in-anything-you-have-to-say. And-please-make-sure-that-you-tell-me-all your-dirty-little-secrets-because-I-truly-care-and-want-to-hear-every-little-detail-even though-I-don’t-know-who-the-hell-you-are-and-probably-will-never-see-you-ever-again” written across her forehead. So I engaged in petty conversation with said stranger. At one point there was a lull in the conversation (while I was wondering if this line would ever move) and I was trying to break away from this stranger completely because the whole situation was really awkward. He looks in my direction and says, “Wow you have really big….eyes.” I was in such a mood, ok I am always in such a mood that my response escaped me without me even thinking about it and I said, “Those aren’t my eyes!” He chuckled nervously and I turned around ready to check out. I mean really he wasn’t looking anywhere near my eyes at all. But I get that a lot it seems. As if my boobs define who I am. Personally I think my eyes are a lot prettier than my TATAS but then again I’m not a guy.

So remember guys talk to the eyes and glance at the CHEST. In case you forgot the eyes are on the head (not that head) and the FUN BAGS are on the upper body. I know it gets confusing but when you are talking to us we really don’t feel like you are listening if you are staring at the RACK and not at our face.

 

Please look deep into my eyes…… ;)

 

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    • Triplet Mom profile imageAUTHOR

      Triplet Mom 

      8 years ago from West Coast

      Thank you Kaltopsyd!

    • kaltopsyd profile image

      kaltopsyd 

      8 years ago from Trinidad originally, but now in the USA

      Haha, the way you wrote this was so funny! Your title definitely masked the content of the Hub... which is even funnier. I just kept reading though and had a good laugh. Thanks!

    • Triplet Mom profile imageAUTHOR

      Triplet Mom 

      8 years ago from West Coast

      The Pink Umbrella (love the name) - Thank you very much. I am always glad to hear that others share my pain of having to hear personal information from strangers (heck I can barely take it from friends let alone someone I don't know).

    • the pink umbrella profile image

      the pink umbrella 

      8 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

      hahahahahahahahha please keep writing, im telling you i am so one of those people, that get in line at the store and have the woman behind me telling me her whole life story, or why she wears sweat pants everywhere, or something i dont give a crap about. So funny. you are witty, very witty

    • Triplet Mom profile imageAUTHOR

      Triplet Mom 

      8 years ago from West Coast

      MH - Great visual you gave. I am still laughing!! I am too scared to ask whats next could be the dreaded yearly in the deli for all I know.

    • MotherHubber profile image

      MotherHubber 

      8 years ago from Southern California

      Triplet. too funny! Mammo-Grocery? I am envisioning a do-it-yourself check out lane where you can scan your groceries and then just put your tit on the same scanner to find out if you have any abnormalities of any kind. LMAO!!! What next?? Great topic and funny observations!

      ~MotherHubber

    • Triplet Mom profile imageAUTHOR

      Triplet Mom 

      8 years ago from West Coast

      Thank you Kea!! They do rock!

    • kea profile image

      kea 

      8 years ago

      Awesome hub! Thanks for sharing your day and thoughts! Boobies rock! :)

    • Triplet Mom profile imageAUTHOR

      Triplet Mom 

      8 years ago from West Coast

      LOL! Thank you BP! Boobies always make me laugh.

    • blondepoet profile image

      blondepoet 

      8 years ago from australia

      LMAO this was just terrific as to be expected from such a great writer. I liked it cause it was so different and unique, plus it put a smile on my dial.

    • Triplet Mom profile imageAUTHOR

      Triplet Mom 

      8 years ago from West Coast

      Lita - Thank you very much!!

    • Lita C. Malicdem profile image

      Lita C. Malicdem 

      8 years ago from Philippines

      I'm a hubber from a faraway country and I'm learning things about practical yet funny day to day events around the world. Your hub is very entertaining and informative, too. Thanks for sharing.You really made my day.

    • Triplet Mom profile imageAUTHOR

      Triplet Mom 

      8 years ago from West Coast

      SweetiePie - People crack me up that they would let a stranger at the door give them a breast exam!! That is hilarious!

    • SweetiePie profile image

      SweetiePie 

      8 years ago from Southern California, USA

      Nice they have those for people who need the free service, but it sure does sound a little funny. Glad you gave us a laugh out of it though. It is better than the guy who went to door offering his services for a free breast exam, and apparently quite a few women believed was a real doctor and invited him in.

    • Triplet Mom profile imageAUTHOR

      Triplet Mom 

      8 years ago from West Coast

      MrsMoe - It is good to know that others are out there as well! Thanks for your comments.

    • profile image

      MrsMoe 

      8 years ago

      I too am one of those people who seem to have an "Information Desk" come hither aura about me. I used to get freaked out, but just roll with it now. Spent over 5 minutes helping an elderly man select the right body lotion for his wife who is allergic to scents the other day. My husband just laughs and waits in the candy aisle for me.

    • Triplet Mom profile imageAUTHOR

      Triplet Mom 

      8 years ago from West Coast

      Chloe - lol! Next they will be having drive thru mammogram stations.

    • Chloe Comfort profile image

      Chloe Comfort 

      8 years ago from Long Island

      LOL - Just goes to show that when it comes to BOOBS, men will always remain boys. I don't think I'll be getting my next mamogram (free or not) in a grocery store :-) Kudos!

    • Triplet Mom profile imageAUTHOR

      Triplet Mom 

      8 years ago from West Coast

      Glad I could AE!! It made me laugh really hard...

    • AEvans profile image

      Julianna 

      8 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

      Hilarious! Tatas in the melon isle! Why in the world would they have mammograms done at a grocery story? lololo This made my day! :)

    • Triplet Mom profile imageAUTHOR

      Triplet Mom 

      8 years ago from West Coast

      Frieda - LMAO. That is hilarious...

      Thank you Mac and Hello

      HubCrafter - Hiding the real lead means that you get to look into my eyes a little longer before directing your eyes downward!! Thanks for your comments ;)

    • HubCrafter profile image

      HubCrafter 

      8 years ago from Arizona

      Dear Triplet Mom:

      Love the rant!

      Now. Can we talk? Please forgive my little tease.

      (Why'd you hide the REAL LEAD in paragraph two?)

      Couldn't you just SCREAM when you discovered your overworked, minimum wage typist accidentally skipped down 10 lines before typing the first paragraph?

      P.S. I only glanced at your breasts...occasionally. My eyes were glued to your avatar the whole time I wrote this. lol.

      HubCrafter

    • Hello, hello, profile image

      Hello, hello, 

      8 years ago from London, UK

      I enjoyed reading this hub. Thank you.

    • Mac Mission profile image

      Mac Mission 

      8 years ago from bangalore

      Its just heart touching

    • Frieda Babbley profile image

      Frieda Babbley 

      8 years ago from Saint Louis, MO

      Now THAT would be convenient. "Kid's go play in the cereal and candy isle for a while while mama gets her check-up."

    • Triplet Mom profile imageAUTHOR

      Triplet Mom 

      8 years ago from West Coast

      Hannah - I actually tried because I wanted to check it out but I was too young.

      Frieda - My fear is that they are going to start offering yearly exams there!! lol.

    • Frieda Babbley profile image

      Frieda Babbley 

      8 years ago from Saint Louis, MO

      roflmao! Oh this was good. I'm not even wanting to believe that they'd have free mammograms at the grocery. That's worse than my grocery's freebie... they'll sharpen your kitchen knives for free. A bunch of people coming in with their kitchen knives. Pah lease! Next thing you know they'll be offering a certain type of cleansing near the butcher counter. Just not right I tell you. Thanks for the wonderful laugh. =]

    • Hannah Ministries profile image

      Hannah Ministries 

      8 years ago

      And did you go take the free deal?

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