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What Is A Tooth Abcess?

Updated on May 12, 2014

Beware of The Recipe

There are many different juices in the world. Apple, orange, and grape are the all time favorite stand alone juices. Then there are the medley's that mix all kinds of delicious fruits to satisfy the thirst for something exotic. "What's this all about Barcos? I don't need a damn juice lesson!" Well I'm here to introduce a new juice to the market. One that you can make yourself, like a hooch brew concocted in the Dukes of Hazard like distillery hidden in your bedroom closet. May I present tooth juice or better known as, tooth abscess.

Now tooth juice from a tooth abscess is a by-product of your current diet and grooming habits so the initial investment is quite minimal. Unless of course you're a sweets denying natural freak who consumes nothing but veggie and fruit shakes and is hygienically angelic. In that case you might have to trade in an organic bushel of garden delights for some sugary sweets like candy or soda and refuse to brush for months. The goal is to get your mouth, specifically your teeth and gums, to a bacteria friendly state so that each tooth and the associated gum area surrounding the root becomes a pool of infected puss. Though the damage cause by this dentist-defying cesspool will probably cause your health insurance providers to prevent you from signing up next "Open Season", the fruit of your labor will be well worth it next time you are in the mood for a warm drink of Tooth Juice's uniques flavors and a smell so pungent it will rival an exotic tea.


Accidental Discovery

"How did you discover this?" you ask. It's simple really. I've been a dental insurance derelict for quite awhile. As full coverage for your teeth is not offered through many employers these days, it's up to the employee to actively search for an insurance provider to have a healthy smile. That meant too much work for me and since nobody was giving anything away, what was the point? Meanwhile my teeth and gums were battling cookies, ice cream, alcohol, gum, cigarettes, and all other enamel destroying evil forces. Then last year work came through with discounted dental plans and just like the cheap ass consumer that I am, I jumped all over the deal. So I decide to go for a check up a few months ago to get a little return on my investment. I was obviously expecting bad things since it had been a few years since my last visit, but I'm thinking a few cavities and maybe an extraction was the worse that could happen given the consultation I had years earlier. When the dentist goes to work he's like a pro wrestler standing on the turnbuckle punching me in the face....1-2-3-4-5-6 fillings at least and that original extraction. Shit! After a little more pounding I escape the round. More consultation about what's next and I'm free, feeling like I've just been to the confessional and now have to do my penance. I thought I'd be good until round 2, but apparently the cleaning jarred something loose and I started to feel pain on a regular basis. Stinging pain that would hurt like hell then go away after a few agonizing hours if luck was on my side. And then there was the taste of tooth juice.

Essence of Abscess

Do you remember what blood tastes like? I'm sure you at least know it's kind of warm and tastes weird. It's like your brain recognizes what it is, though your tongue can only compare it to the stuff you regularly eat. Tooth juice is like that. You may be eating lunch or plain swallowing and all of a sudden there's this sour warm liquid in your mouth. Kinda gross, kind of interesting. Then you suck your saliva a little more and get that same taste to ponder what it is, but you don't want to indulge because you know it might be evil leaking out of your brain or it might make you puke. Evil pleasure! Thank you Mr. Dentist.

Realization of the Power of Tooth Juice

After this last visit I've realized new pains, opened an extended line of credit with my new dentist, and most importantly, made the discovery of tooth juice. Scientifically, tooth juice is the pus/liquid from an infection in the gums called an abscess. What I've been tasting is the little bit seeping out when the infected pocket is squeezed like a zit. Gross! Yesterday I even got to smell it. At first I thought the dentist had bad breath or body odor as he hovered over my face. Then he stepped back and mentioned what the funk was, obviously smelling it as well. Thank God he's a pro because had it been me, I might not have been able to take staring in somebody's mouth at an open pus-filled sore. I joked he must have the same iron gut that morticians have, but alas, dentists find solace in being immune to what comes out of people's mouths.

So now it's available to you. Not for $99, $89, $79... But for $5 of candy and very limited oral hygiene, you too can make your own tooth juice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Legal Statement: Barcos is not saying you should not brush, floss, or use mouthwash. This is in no way encouraging bad hygiene and should be used for entertainment purposes only!

The Cure

Now you're irritated and demand "What is the cure you freak!!!!" Plain and simple my friend, the cure is 5 easy steps:

  1. Go to the dentist.
  2. Dentist opens up the abscess, cleans out the infected area, and prescribes you antibiotics.
  3. Take said antibiotics.
  4. Start down the path of divine hygiene.
  5. Never eat again. (Just kidding!)


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