- HubPages»
- Health»
- Quality of Life & Wellness»
- Personal Development
Travel with me Along My Red Dirt Road: A Moment with Bill Reflection
Along My Red Dirt Road
“It's where I drank my first beer.
It's where I found Jesus.
Where I wrecked my first car:
I tore it all to pieces.
I learned the path to Heaven,
Is full of sinners an' believers.
Learned that happiness on earth,
Ain't just for high achievers.
I've learned; I come to know,
There's life at both ends,
Of that red dirt road.”
My thanks to Brooks & Dunn for the lyrics from their smash hit “Red Dirt Road.”
Sixty-five years, seven months and one day….that’s how long I’ve been stumbling along this path. I swear, folks, I have no clue where the time has gone.
I remember so clearly playing 500 with friends on those lazy, Saturday afternoons when we were fifteen.
I remember so clearly sprawling on the grass, watching the clouds drift by, and wondering what the future held in store for me.
I remember so clearly my first job, my first love and the first death of a loved one.
Sixty-five years, seven months and one day…..and how much time is left? How many more smiles to be smiled, kisses to be kissed, and heartaches to endure?
Sing along
It’s Where I Drank My First Beer
If I had known then what I know now, would I have taken that first sip of my dad’s beer when I was ten?
Life is filled with those little moments that are seemingly unimportant. We come to a crossroad, and we cannot possibly understand the importance of them as we approach. How could we? There are no warning signs. There are no flashing red lights telling us to cease and desist. They are innocent in appearance and yet so meaningful.
Sitting on the front steps of my grandparents’ home, a hot summer afternoon, my Dad, my Uncle Jim, and me, ten years old and craving that illusion of manhood.
“Can I have a sip, Dad?”
“Sure, but just one small one now, son. We don’t want it going to your head.”
And so it began.
As surely as the sun will rise in the east, that one small sip eventually led to alcoholism, and years of misery, and moments of intense self-hatred….which eventually led to self-awareness and a new path, a path of happiness and contentment.
So was that one sip the beginning of disaster, or was it the beginning of serenity?
It’s Where I Found Jesus
I was baptized and raised a Catholic. Off to Catholic school now, Billy, and remember to be polite to those nuns, because they love you as Jesus does. I became an altar boy, sang in the choir, knelt and genuflected as all good Catholics do, and believed that the way of Jesus was the way of love.
I had my ass kicked by neighborhood Protestant bullies who saw my salt-and-pepper slacks and green sweater as a symbol of Catholicism, and thus a symbol of something to be despised, my first lesson in fear-based anger. For a time I contemplated the priesthood, for Father Clark was a good man and I wished to be good as well.
And for a time I hated God for taking my father away from me when I was nineteen, and for causing so much unhappiness in my life, only to realize that I am not a helpless leaf blown by the winds of time, but rather a fully-functioning human being with free will and the talents necessary to overcome it all.
Where I Wrecked My First Car
Seventeen years old and full of piss and vinegar. Being careful was for old ladies and the terminally-scared. At seventeen you are bulletproof, and traffic laws were for sissies.
Until I scraped the paint off of my dad’s ’62 Mercury by drifting too far right and side-swiping a parked car….driving home after that little mishap was humbling to say the least. Enduring the wrath of my father and the ensuing grounding was the price to be paid for hubris, and I paid it and learned from it.
I suspect my dad learned a similar lesson at some point during his youth. We all do. Growing up means learning, at times, the hard way. No words of wisdom, or proclamations of caution by parents, can prevent us from doing the unimaginable and flaunting our misguided independence.
Some lessons must be paid for with blood, sweat, tears and a shattering of ego.
Join me
The Path to Heaven Filled with Sinners and Believers
It was so cut-and-dried as a child. The Ten Commandments gave us the one, true path. Follow the word of God and all will be well, and eternal salvation will be ours. So the Good Book said. And we nodded our heads as children, and we proclaimed our understanding of it all, and then we went out into the world and discovered that black-and-white truths could be colorfully ambiguous.
Good men killed in battle. Bad men saved lives. Liars gave to charities, and deacons of the church cheated on their wives. “Red is grey and yellow white, and we decide which is right, and which is an illusion.” Suddenly, the truths were a bit muddled, and you couldn’t tell the bad guys from the good without a scorecard and a decoder ring.
I am reminded today of a quote that is often attributed to the Crusade under Pope Innocent III. It goes something like this: “Kill them all and let God sort it out.” When it comes to judging who is a sinner and who is a believer, I choose to leave it to much more qualified beings than me.
Happiness on Earth Ain’t Just for High Achievers
Which are you, a low achiever or a high achiever?
We start on this road to achievement at such a young age. The hierarchy is established and the rules have been determined by the time we pop out of the birth canal. Go to school, get good grades, excel in sports, work harder than anyone else, and success will be yours. If 3.5 is a good gpa then 3.75 is outstanding, and heaven help those ignorant fools who are only average.
But heaven has no horse in this race, nor a wager on it, so we really are judging ourselves by some imaginary standard that means absolutely nothing.
I worked as hard as I wanted. I could turn it up a notch when the mood hit me, and I could gear it down just as easily. My grades reflected my casual attitude. I had moments of triumph, and moments of dismal defeat. At a young age the triumphs are sweet indeed, and the defeats are crushing, but as we grow older we come to realize that none of it is important. The number of trophies on my mantel has no bearing on the type of person that I am. The size of my bankroll in no way determines whether I can be trusted, believed, or loved.
In other words, happiness is an inside job.
Thanks for Tagging Along with Me
“I went out into the world,
An' I came back in.
I lost Mary:
Oh, I got her back again.
An' drivin' home tonight,
Feels like I've found a long-lost friend.”
Sixty-five years, seven months and one day….what a trip it has been…and it ain’t over yet.
Every single new day gives me an opportunity to experience life as it was meant to be experienced, balls-out with tail-feathers singed as I get as close as possible to the sun.
Every single new day is a gift to be appreciated, embraced and celebrated.
So enough of this. Strap on your backpack, lace up your shoes, and head out to your own personal red dirt road. I hope your journey is as wondrous as mine has been.
2014 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
Related
Comments
- Author
A zest for life....yes, Ann, I plead guilty to that. :) I can't conceive of wasting the time I have left. I plan on continuing to build my legacy in the time remaining. I love how you succinctly summarized it....dare I say brilliant? I think I shall.
Sleep well my friend.
bill
I love to know about people's backgrounds; it helps to understand and see a little bit of their philosophy.
I think the older we become, the more we value life and the more we want to do before it's too late, especially when we see friends and even younger ones dying before us. Do as much as you can and push as far as you can go - I agree with you. Make mistakes and learn from them, keep learning, keep seeking. What's life without doing all that?
Great hub. You always impart enthusiasm, hope and a zest for life, bill.
Happy Monday evening to you and yours!
Ann
- Author
True words, Deb. Feed me a meal every once in a while, and just let me write. :) Thanks again my talented friend.
Happiness IS indeed, an inside job. Hold the backpack, and I'll just have my DSLR and tripod. It's all that I need.
- Author
And, Au fait, I enjoyed your observations, as I always do. I stay out of the religion discussions. I really don't see the point of it all. i have no desire to convert anyone, couldn't if I wanted to, so I prefer other pastimes. :) Thank you and have a wonderful weekend.
You always have an interesting viewpoint.
Those who leave judging to a higher power are wise. It rains on the just and on the unjust. A life of ease was never promised in this world no matter how many rules one follows to the letter, or how many things one does just right.
It isn't religion but the interpretations of religion (usually wrong) that seem to cause so much trouble in this world, yet God gets all the blame.
Enjoyed the read.
- Author
Thank you, Mathira, and may you have a very "happy" day.
Your reflection about your life was interesting billy. How right you are when you say happiness is an inside job. I kept reading those words again and again.
- Author
Seafarer, you summed it up perfectly. I have no regrets; just a whole lot of love for the present. Thank you!
Hey Bill,
What a beautifully constructed reflection about life choices, and how we arrive at who we are now. I think I have a hub about the same thing that I wrote about 8 months ago.
The grappling with whether we'd be who we are now and have the lovely life we enjoy if we did things differently can be an important one. Yet, then I just let go and enjoy the way things are...it makes me love my present life even more...and from that I can hopefully be a source of help and comfort for my daughter as she faces her growing pains.
- Author
Well thank you vkwok!
Thanks for sharing your story, Bill! Thunbs up for this great hub!
- Author
Lurana, welcome back! What a pleasant surprise on this Wednesday morning. Thank you!
Beautiful piece of reflective writing, Bill. Humility and wisdom rarely come easily but are the true treasures of life...thank you for sharing yours with others. :-) ~Lurana
- Author
Thank you DDE!
- Author
Thank you Faith. No, I wouldn't change a thing. I had to go through all the pain to reach this point, and this point is pretty darned special.
blessings and hugs coming your way
bill
- Author
Well, Jackie, I'm glad you made it and thank you! Yep, addictions and temptations are individual in nature and there is not telling who they will embrace.
You have shared great experiences
Oh, Bill, you opened with Brooks & Dunn's Red Dirt Road ... we saw them live in concert twice, once on their "Neon Circus and Wild West Show" tour back in 2001 and then later in Atlanta. Now, they could put on a show indeed, along with all the other wonderful artists who toured with them. That song is perfect for this hub!
When God brings you through this life with all the good, bad and the ugly ... He sure knows how to build character. Looking back, we may say we would change something, but I really would not want to, as all the stuff of this wonderful and sometimes ordinary life (including the not so good) brings us full circle to who we are this day. Best of all, if we are still here and we continue to persevere, boy will we ever have great character.
Blessings always and peace
Strange Bill; as rarely as my dad drank cause it would only be an off work day or holiday he gave us kids a sip and it was fun but that was it and I always figured that was why I never really had any problem with alcohol or temptation to it because I had had a taste of about all of it. Just hard to tell; we just all have our different temptations I think and I am glad you can handle yours now and that I am still perfect. lol
Glad I finally made it here, been trying all day! Thanks for sharing.
- Author
Ann, thank you so much. I've known for some time now that I am definitely not in charge, and thank goodness. LOL
- Author
Ruby, now that's what I call a great comment. :) Thank you! Baring one's soul comes with inner peace, and it took me a long time to reach that point. You understand that I'm sure.
Bill, you've had quite a life and still going strong. Ever get the feeling that God is definitely in charge? Thanks for sharing your life experiences with us, Bill. As always, you make them enjoyable and where they are sad, you bring us back to your present, delightful reality.
Now this is what i call writing, so beautiful your red dirt road. We've all been there. Did we learn? It took some time. Looking back, i was a slow learner, oh not in school, i did ok. Your convictions are so much like mine it's eerie. Some people whom i thought were the very best turned out to be the worst, while some of the ' sinners ' were angels. You have a beautiful gift of baring your soul in such a way that brings reflections to the forefront once again. Thank you. God bless you and Bev.May all your dreams come true.
- Author
Parrster, thank you! I don't have time to waste on regrets. I made my amends and now I'm moving forward. It's the only direction that makes sense to me.
- Author
Michael my friend, I am counting on many more years of shared friendship between you and I. Thank you for your thoughts, and I wish for you blessings today and always.
bill
- Author
MizB, we share the same belief. The days are numbered, and I'm not going to be cheated in the time I have left. Thank you!
Great thoughts and words of wisdom gained from a life lived. Enjoyed your honest video. Reminds me of another piece of wisdom, 'Worry is like sitting in a rocking chair, gets you nowhere, but gives you something to do.' The worry of regret is, as you say (or Mansfield said), a colossal waste of energy. Voted up and interesting.
Hi Bill.
Your life's story is remarkable, and you've presented it unequal to anyone else. Wow. What a journey, what a life… And it's not over yet. We are being told the time of our arrival while none is telling us the exact time of leaving. We do struggle though ( all have it easier than me, attitude). Do we handle it all right or how we do our best is between " me " and "my" god or the God.
Voted up and awesome.
Peace, my friend.
P.S. following ( reflection?) came out of my head this morning:
When you'll se my body motionless
know assuredly that I have moved
into the Father's house
where Jesus went to prepare a place for me.
(mmilec/014)
I grew up on that red dirt road, too, and listened to my mama gripe about the dust on the tables. One lesson I've learned in life is when you become the senior citizen, each day is precious because so many of your friends are exiting. Thanks for sharing your experiences, Bill. Cherish every moment with your family.
- Author
Thank you Liz! We just never know, do we? Still, the voyage is always interesting.
- Author
Thanks, Sheila! I've been humming that song for days and finally did something with it. :)
- Author
Bobbi, I love the line about Ace Hardware. Thanks for sharing that, and as always, for your friendship and loyalty.
bill
Eye opening hub, Bill and very true. Like your reference to your first sip of beer, it makes you wonder about what started each of us on our life's journey; good, bad or indifferent. Enjoyed this very much- thanks for sharing!
Thanks for sharing bits and pieces of your life and what you learned with each step. I really like the way you used the lyrics of the song to introduce each section. Awesome as always!
Bill,
Life is a learning tool that Ace hardware does not sell. So as humans we learn about the negatives and positives as we grow older.
And, I still love this---“What does not kill you makes you stronger” and so here we are the strong trees that can handle the blows from the mighty winds of dealing with the not so nice people to the ones we love.
Another great hub, thanks for sharing.
Bobbi Purvis
- Author
Jo, thank you! I've had it fairly easy considering. I've never experienced prejudice aimed at me. I've always been healthy and loved and had a home. It could have been much worse for sure and I am grateful.
Blessings always
bill
And so the journey continues...Oh so beautifully done!!
We may never know why we're here, or why certain things happens along the way, but my philosophy is; life is a precious gift, live it, enjoy it and be thankful for every new day. We may not have gone where we intended to go, but it's strange how we always find ourselves just on the path where we needed be. Your journey along that red dirt road has been a hell of an adventure so far, hold on tight and enjoy the ride. Thank you for this incredible share, my best to you.
- Author
Jaye, pain has been my greatest teacher. Happily, I don't feel that much pain any longer. I am grateful for that. I had to go through what I had to go through. There was no other way for this boy.
Been there, done that. When I lost a teaching job back in 2002, I couldn't figure out who I was if not a teacher. Turns out I had a few more cards to play.
Thank you for your reflections.
bill
Hi, Bill - All my life I wanted to be a high achiever and, because of that quest, probably missed out on more than a few of life's 'smell-the-roses' opportunities. I so defined myself by achievements that when health issues forced me to retire a few years early, I sank into a deep depression. I felt I'd lost my identity sans career. How wrong I was.
Fortunately, I climbed out of that morass and realized I didn't miss the high-stress feature of my career at all. I suddenly felt liberated!
Since then, I've detoured down a different road and, while my bank account contains much less than it did during the high-achievement/high-stress years, I am a happier person. I have time and freedom to give free rein to my creativity or anything else I choose...and on my own terms, not those of some corporate CEO.
I identify with learning life's lessons the hard way. That seems to have been my modus operandi in many areas, but learn I did. One thing I know for certain about hard-won knowledge--it sticks with you. When you get a second chance after making a mistake, you already know what won't work. That doesn't guarantee success the next time around, but it does give one an edge.
And, yes, Bill--I agree with you 100% that "...happiness is an inside job."
Voted Up+++ and shared.
Jaye
- Author
Glenn, thank you! I was wondering if anyone would catch the rock group references.
- Author
Well thank you, BNadyn! Having our parents disappointed in us was the worst, wasn't it?
Bill, This is an interesting story of your life with many life-lessons included. I liked how you used hidden messages from rock groups we grew up with. I caught at least two of them. Nicely done.
Your video was a very useful addition too. Life becomes shorter and shorter the older we get. And it truly is a waste of time to dwell on regrets. You explained that well in your video. I agree, and I feel the energy we sometimes waste on regret can better be used to plan changes for the future.
Life really does feel like a long dirt road. It's nice to reflect on past decisions and see the road you've come from and to think about where it will take you next. Some lessons do need to be learned the hard way and I remember those harsh times when I did something to upset my parents and I used to wish I could fast-forward time to the next year just to shake the awful feelings away that the disappointment gave me! What an enjoyable read today and nice walk down memory lane, thanks for sharing this today.
- Author
Thanks, Brian! I appreciate you walking along with me.
A lot of truth in that reflection, all well said.
- Author
Eric, that's way to hot for this boy. It's going to be 82 here and I'm sweating thinking about it. LOL Thanks, buddy!
- Author
Larry, I remember those silent moments all too well and you are right, those hurt much more. Thanks for sharing your memories.
I really did grow up along an old red dirt road with a hand pump gas station/trading post at one end and a swimming hole at the other.
This piece brings perfect ruminations to the forefront. Muchas Gracias from the land where it will be 100 degrees today.
Very well done. I wrecked my first car when I was 15. My father about tore me a new one. I wrecked my second when I was 18. Dad just stood and looked disappointed at me. The second was far worse. Getting yelled at is one thing, but silence from a parent is unbearable.
- Author
Flourish, I did, but not for very long. That whole celibacy thing kind of turned me off. LOL Thanks for spending some of your Tuesday with me.
Contemplated the priesthood, huh? Well, you learn something new about folks every day.
- Author
Lizzy, did you change your name to "Trippy?" LOL I crack myself up.
- Author
Mary, I wish I had grown up in the country, but I've got no complaints. It's been a good life.
Thank you for the visit.
- Author
DJ, I was wondering who would be the first to say they lived at the end of a red dirt road. :)
Thank you for your kind words. I lived in secret for a good many years, and it almost killed me. Now I'm afraid you get it all. LOL
hugs my friend
bill
- Author
Sha, I had a blast as well, and I love how it all turned out. Thanks for your reflections my dear.
It's interesting how unpleasant experiences shape who we are--if we could remove any one of them, who would we be? Probably someone we wouldn't recognize. Trippy.
So far I've had a wonderful journey down my red dirt road. As Frank Sinatra sings: "Regrets, I've had a few, but I did it my way".
I grew up on a red dirt road way out in the country! I had a good ole fashioned upbringing which I've never regretted.
Voted UP, etc.
Remarkable account of much of your life. You share so openly and
honestly, and seem to hold nothing back. You blame no one for your
challenges and even hint that they could have made you a stronger man.
Thank you for sharing the good, the bad and well, you know.
You have no idea how many lives you lift, simply by telling your story.
There is no subject from which you have shied away. On some level,
you reach us, all. We can identify with your struggles and you have been
a good example showing how to overcome many obstacles. So many times you have been the encouragement that I needed. And, for that
I thank you.
Literally, I lived at the end of a red dirt road, many, many years ago.
DJ.
Life certainly has been a trip. Some bad, some good and all relevant. I wouldn't trade any part of my life. I wouldn't be who I am today without the victories, experiments, devil-may-care lifestyle of the past or even the scary moments. They all came along the red dirt road I chose as my path. I had a blast and have some pretty good memories to take with me as I continue on my way.
- Author
Thanks for walking with me, breakfastpop. I always enjoy the company.
The opportunity to learn more about you is always welcome. Up, interesting, beautiful and awesome.
- Author
Hey, Mike, good to see you my friend. I tend to approach those crossroads with a bit more caution now. LOL
Have a great week, buddy, and blessings always
bill
- Author
Carol, I don't know, but I'm sure looking forward to it. Thanks for sharing your reflections. My son is always amazed by how much I have done.....but he is only 30 and has so many adventures ahead of him.
Soulful hub here Bill. I walked much of the same path as you. And you are so right about those crossroads! Quiet and unassuming yet so powerful at times.
Blessings my friend; many blessings to you.
Yes Bill I reflect on the past a lot. Mother's day brought up lots of memories and realities. where or where has it all gone. I can think of some of the crazy things I did and some of the crazy things I did not do. All in all my adventure in this incarnation has been really good and very interesting. I was talking about myself to an acquaintance and I realized how many things I have done and I impressed myself LOL. What makes life really interesting is that we don't have a clue what is next. Great write as always.
- Author
Thank you Janine. You really are a good person and I appreciate you greatly. Enjoy your Tuesday. Beautiful weather here.
Bill, I always love and appreciate when you share more with us here about your own life. So, I can't help, but agree with Lori and thank you so much for being so generous with all you do share. Also, of course, want to wish you a very, Happy Tuesday now!
- Author
Awww, Lori, thank you for the kind words. I appreciate you taking this walk with me.
Thank you for sharing your life, your lessons and your growth. I very much enjoyed reading this. Indeed, you've had a remarkable life. That you recognize this is a blessing.
70