Turn Your Pet Peeves Into Humor

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People are different and unique. Because of that, there are many things which can cause discomfort and annoyance. Fortunately there are things which many people do that irritate a great mass of people. These behaviors make top-twenty lists and are mentioned in conversations on a daily basis. By happy chance, there are ways to turn your irritations into laughter.

The next thing you know, people will be bringing their ball pythons with them in specially designed Gucci bags because they simply can't go places alone.

It's frustrating when you're flying down the street, late for work, and you just happen to time it so that each of the twelve stoplights on the avenue is red. Have you ever recognized how stoplights can dictate the course of your day? On the days when you can stroll through every light and waltz into work on time,things are a little brighter. On the other hand, red lights are just a bummer.

The next time you're stuck at every single red light, turn to the person next to you and mouth the words, "do you want to race" and then slightly move up two or three times. See if they take you up on the challenge. If you have nitrous boost in your Ford escort, use it. See what it's like to be Batman.

When you're on the road and suddenly you peer through your rear view mirror to see that a vehicle has just about climbed onto the back end of your car, it's unnerving. Many people have been involved in rear-end collisions simply because the person behind them was hiked up on their bumper. It's even more aggravating at night when you're in a small vehicle and a truck starts riding your tail with their lights blaring in your eyes.

I propose that automobile companies install a foam-function on the rear of every vehicle. When a car or truck is too close to your bumper a shot of foam will eject from your tailgate and immediately slow the vehicle down. The only problem with this would be that if the notorious tailgater is being infringed upon as well, they could become a victim of collision themselves. I call this a natural consequence.

When standing in line at the checkout lane it would be ideal that the person running the register is working efficiently and in an organized manner. It's bothersome when you are made to wait because the employees are chatting to each other, talking on their cell phone, texting or having a conversation with a friend who stopped by. I have great difficulty handling this situation with humor because great customer service is of utmost importance to providing good business. The one time I did say something, It was because I had been waiting for a girl who was having a chat with her mom, I was third in line and there were four or five customers behind me. She was the only cashier and she is a habitual offender of bad customer service. I leaned in and very quietly asked her, "How can you possibly stay employed here?" The funny thing is, she looked at me in a puzzled way and said, "What do you mean?" I took my bag and left.

Another common irritation is being asked the ignoramus questions. Every time I take my car in to have the tires rotated and aligned, the gentleman at the front desk asks me if I drive on streets with potholes. I always answer, "No, I only drive on completely smooth surfaces." Think about the logic there.

Littering is the most annoying habit I can possibly think of. It's pure laziness when you don't take your trash to a receptacle to dispose of it. I've literally watched people toss their rubbage to the ground and continue walking as though they covertly allowed it to fall and no one saw it land. The worst is when people launch their meal bags from their car window onto the side of the road and instead of the Bic Mac and french fries landing in the ditch, they land on your windshield.

The last time I witnessed someone toss their refuse from a car window, I put my car in park, got out and picked up their tossed waste and simply pitched it right back into the window as I reminded them that littering is inappropriate and rude and no one wants to be their personal maid. I'm certain they were not expecting that.

1. Mustache finger photos - awe.....
2. People who talk at the movies.
3. Using the word "ironically" for "coincidentally" - very common mistake. Look it up!
4. When other people's dogs do their business in my yard and they don't clean it up.
5. Waiting in line for people who don't know what to order.
6. Not using turn signals.
7. People who speak in a vulgar manner in public.
8. Children who speak in a vulgar manner in public.
9. When a parked car is taking two spaces on purpose.
10. People who habitually whistle or hum all the time.

These things don't really keep me up at night but they are on many of the top ten most common irritation lists.

When you're having a telephone conversation, do it in the privacy of your home, car or the back alley of some shady dive bar where no one can listen to your personal life being telecast or hear you shrieking at your children because they are hanging from the ceiling fan. This unbecoming behavior is so unpopular that it typically makes it into the top twenty of any googled pet peeves lists. Next time, make it TEXT time.

If someone is on a loud personal phone call try these ideas:

1. Start answering them as though they are speaking to you.
2. Ask if you can borrow the phone to make a quick call.
3. Have them paged to the front of the store.
4. Take out your cell phone and start playing laser tag or using it as a light saber.
5. If they glance at you, cover your ears and make a "too noisy" face.
6. Lean over to them and quietly whisper that the CIA has the entire place bugged and then stare into their eyes for a moment before walking away.

Quarter slots and bill changers should be reserved for vending machines and casinos. In this day and age, everyone has access to a mirror or at best, a window that you can see your hind-end. There's not a single reason that anyone should be able to see your fanny. This rule also applies to the ladies who like for their panties to peek out over the edge of their pants. Keep your rear-end G-rated and maintain a sense of class and dignity.

Because I work with kids, I see the quarter slot fairly often. Kiddos can't help it as much as adults can. My response is always, "0ops! Quarter slot is showing!" And of course we laugh, but they become aware and pull up their pants.

It's nice to be able to enjoy a lovely night out at a restaurant. Perhaps it's date night, you and your significant other or spouse have mortgaged the kiddos to a babysitter for the evening which has afforded you the opportunity to relax, unwind and have a dinner together. Au contraire mon frère, It just so happens that the hostess seated the two of you just across from a peewee soccer team. There are children running up and down the isle, screaming from one end of the table to the other, crying, throwing nachos and mozzarella sticks. This can be a toughie! There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking to be moved to another, quieter table. Families should be able to take kiddos out to enjoy a night out too but for some people, date night doesn't happen as often as we would like. Take the opportunity to ask the host or hostess to move you to a more private table.

If you're in a situation where you have no other choice but to sit with the peewees, you can always ask for your food to go and then drive to your favorite spot and eat in peace. It's a pretty good back-up plan.

Regardless of your pet peeves, don't allow them to spoil your day. It's simply not worth it to be upset by traffic, other people's inappropriate behavior or the way people think. You cannot control anyone but yourself so stay happy and have fun!