Unsmooth Moments

 I have three major fears.

1. Being kidnapped. I almost was as a child once. Seriously. Mandi remembers, huh?

2. Falling off a cliff in a car. I almost did once as a child. (Well, not really but it seemed like it. We had to let grandma out and everything.)

3. Being fat - I wasn't as a child, I just don't want to be.

Given my massive addiction to carbs and sugar, the third one tends to be the biggest challenge. So I have to work pretty hard at staying thin because I refuse to give up my addictions. Most of you that know me would attest to the fact that I am gravitationally challenged. I trip on flat surfaces. So it is probably not surprising to you all that most of my near death experiences have not occurred while near a cliff or at the hands of a devious kidnapper, but while working out. So tonight, I am going to share with you some of the valuable lessons I have learned during exercise time.

1. When you are a novice exerciser, AND a clumsy idiot, it is NOT a good idea to go forward on a step, then down the front, then back up backwards. (No matter how cool this may seem at the time.) This may result in you falling backwards, hitting your head on a hard wooden shelf filled with lotion and candles and cookbooks, which will all land on your head and cause a concussion. It is probably not healthy for your 5 friends, either, as this will cause them to fall to the floor laughing, and dammit that floor is hard. (By the way, if anyone knows how I can confiscate the security tapes from Body IQ from about May of 2005, give me a call).

2. If you decide to incorporate a vehement air punching routine into your treadmill workout, you should remove the Thomas Kinkade painting that is on the wall next to you.

3. Unless you know a good therapist, it is probably not a good idea to do a hip shakin workout while singing Britney Spears' "Gimme More" at the top of your lungs, while your children stare at you from the top of the stairs.

4. It is a good idea to move around and incorporate a lot of different muscle groups during your treadmill workout, however, if you bang your hand so hard that you break blood vessels more than once a week, you might want to calm the hell down.

5. If you work out with a portable music player (a must have I say), you either need pockets, or some sort of device that will allow you to tether the player to yourself. Setting the player up on the treadmill while you go for broke with the headphone cord dangling in front of you is a bad idea. What will most likely happen is this: you will get really going, thinking that Kanye is seriously talking TO YOU in "Stronger", when suddenly, your arm will hit the cord, your MP3 player will come flying off the treadmill, falling to your feet. Should you trip on this cord while running 5 miles an hour.......well let's just say the results could be disastrous.

6. Should you happen to somehow get road rash from your treadmill, do not, under any circumstances, let your friend rub Vicks Vapo Rub on the sores. (This didn't happen to me. It happened to my nephew, but a good lesson nevertheless.)


7. If you see your child attempting to drop a book on the treadmill to see it fly (while you are on it), you should strongly suggest they not do this.)

Ok, pick your laughing ass off the floor and remember, exercise is not scary.

Unless you are me.