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What I Feel Like Today: Part II
Feel a bit strange today. Been having morbid thoughts, and a bit of a cry, and been allowing some scaredness to creep into my mind. I don't think it would be sensible to try to ignore those feelings. I think it's probably better to face them, explore them a bit, and then work out how to move on from them. I don't know, I've never done this before, but that sounds like a sensible plan to me.
My mum, I think, is starting to feel quite nervous now, because her surgery will take place in a few days' time. She needed to talk quite a lot about this when I saw her a couple of days ago. She's still lovely and positive about that. But she is also having her lymph nodes tested the day before the operation, and this is the part she's nervous about. This is the bit that scares her, that the lymph node scan will tell her that the cancer has spread already. Until someone tells us that it has spread we have nothing to work with, and still have to assume that she'll be fine. But her misgivings are bringing home the fact that we are dealing with something unfriendly here. We knew this from the outset, of course, but it's apparent to me now that we were buoyed up in the first instance by my mum's positivity and strength. Her positivity has flagged a bit this week, and so mine has too. I had this sense of foreboding after I'd spoken to my mum the other day, and I didn't really want her to leave my house. Very morbid. But I suppose that's how we should be feeling about our loved ones all the time anyway, regardless of cancer or anything else, is it not? We're supposed to enjoy each day as though it's our last, yes? (I've never really understood that philosophy - I've always imagined that my last day would be a sad one, one in which I would be plagued with nerves, and have stomach aches that felt something like stage fright, and that the day would pass far too quickly and I wouldn't get as much done as I intended because I'd spend my few short remaining hours brooding over the unfairness of it all! But that's just me.)
Well, I'm feeling better today. I'm not sure if my mum's nerves have eased, I'll speak to her later if I can. My feelings of apprehension have gone for the time being. I'd like for my mum to just get the lymph node scan over with so that we know where we are with the evil invader.
But, we will be having a lovely Christmas, regardless of everything. Even if we find out that my mum has to have chemotherapy, I am absolutely certain that she will deal with the news, then she will put it out of the way to think about more when she has to. She will not let it spoil her Christmas, because she's stubborn, and that's good. She's also very sensible, and she knows that if she has to have chemo it will be because she needs it, and that it will improve her chances of getting rid of cancer completely.
At the same time, and I don't mean this to sound callous, I am very happy. It's almost as if I can separate the areas of my life. If I'm feeling a bit sad or scared, I just switch my mind over to the HubPages channel and I'm fine again! I must get this little useful trait from my mum, she's always been able to do it. I wouldn't have thought it was possible to maintain this level of contentment in such a Damoclean (I just made that word up, I don't know if it's real!) situation.