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What I Feel Like Today: Part II

Updated on December 17, 2010
Bonfire Night, doing sparklers :)
Bonfire Night, doing sparklers :)

Feel a bit strange today. Been having morbid thoughts, and a bit of a cry, and been allowing some scaredness to creep into my mind. I don't think it would be sensible to try to ignore those feelings. I think it's probably better to face them, explore them a bit, and then work out how to move on from them. I don't know, I've never done this before, but that sounds like a sensible plan to me.

My mum, I think, is starting to feel quite nervous now, because her surgery will take place in a few days' time. She needed to talk quite a lot about this when I saw her a couple of days ago. She's still lovely and positive about that. But she is also having her lymph nodes tested the day before the operation, and this is the part she's nervous about. This is the bit that scares her, that the lymph node scan will tell her that the cancer has spread already. Until someone tells us that it has spread we have nothing to work with, and still have to assume that she'll be fine. But her misgivings are bringing home the fact that we are dealing with something unfriendly here. We knew this from the outset, of course, but it's apparent to me now that we were buoyed up in the first instance by my mum's positivity and strength. Her positivity has flagged a bit this week, and so mine has too. I had this sense of foreboding after I'd spoken to my mum the other day, and I didn't really want her to leave my house. Very morbid. But I suppose that's how we should be feeling about our loved ones all the time anyway, regardless of cancer or anything else, is it not? We're supposed to enjoy each day as though it's our last, yes? (I've never really understood that philosophy - I've always imagined that my last day would be a sad one, one in which I would be plagued with nerves, and have stomach aches that felt something like stage fright, and that the day would pass far too quickly and I wouldn't get as much done as I intended because I'd spend my few short remaining hours brooding over the unfairness of it all! But that's just me.)

Well, I'm feeling better today. I'm not sure if my mum's nerves have eased, I'll speak to her later if I can. My feelings of apprehension have gone for the time being. I'd like for my mum to just get the lymph node scan over with so that we know where we are with the evil invader.

But, we will be having a lovely Christmas, regardless of everything. Even if we find out that my mum has to have chemotherapy, I am absolutely certain that she will deal with the news, then she will put it out of the way to think about more when she has to. She will not let it spoil her Christmas, because she's stubborn, and that's good. She's also very sensible, and she knows that if she has to have chemo it will be because she needs it, and that it will improve her chances of getting rid of cancer completely.

At the same time, and I don't mean this to sound callous, I am very happy. It's almost as if I can separate the areas of my life. If I'm feeling a bit sad or scared, I just switch my mind over to the HubPages channel and I'm fine again! I must get this little useful trait from my mum, she's always been able to do it. I wouldn't have thought it was possible to maintain this level of contentment in such a Damoclean (I just made that word up, I don't know if it's real!) situation.

Well, onward...

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    • Lady Wordsmith profile image
      Author

      Linda Rawlinson 6 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      Oh, and chspublish, thank you to you too! I thought I'd replied to you already, but the comment isn't there :S Well, thank you for your kind words :)

      Linda.

    • Lady Wordsmith profile image
      Author

      Linda Rawlinson 6 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      Thanks Elefanza :) New hub coming up on this very shortly. Phew! It's going to be a bumpy ride!

      Thanks for thinking of us :)

      Linda.

    • Elefanza profile image

      Elefanza 6 years ago from Somewhere in My Brain

      I think writing is like therapy. Glad your mum made it out of surgery. My thoughts are with you both!

    • chspublish profile image

      chspublish 6 years ago from Ireland

      Good luck to you and your Mum. In my thoughts. Thanks for the great hub.

    • Lady Wordsmith profile image
      Author

      Linda Rawlinson 6 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      Thanks ladies :) Mum is out of surgery, and all went very well. She has to go back in tomorrow though, and I will write about that once my computer is properly fixed!

      Linda.

    • NikitaButalia profile image

      NikitaButalia 6 years ago

      Hey! I hope your mother is out of surgery and done well. Good luck and great wishes to you!

    • motherbeastly profile image

      motherbeastly 6 years ago from Argyll and Albox

      I seem to have missed this. I hope all went well for your Mum and wish you and your family all the very best for 2011. Keep your chins up and I am definitely keeping you in my thoughts.

    • Lady Wordsmith profile image
      Author

      Linda Rawlinson 6 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      :) Thanks AH. She's doing really well now, and we've had lots of laughs over Christmas (as well as some tears). We're all proud of ourselves and each other for finding this strength from goodness knows where :)

      Time for a new hub on this actually, but I'm full of flu now. Feel a bit lame being ill with flu when my mum's battling something so much worse, ha!

      I'll be back soon though :)

    • attemptedhumour profile image

      attemptedhumour 6 years ago from Australia

      Hope everything goes well LW, not knowing exactly what the outcome is can be very difficult. All your hubpages buddies are thinking of you and your mum. Just think you didn't know any of us a few short months ago, but now you are one of the rising stars. I'm sure that fact will make your mum proud. So good luck from Oz

    • Lady Wordsmith profile image
      Author

      Linda Rawlinson 6 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      Twilight: I'll look forward to that. I like trying to spot the English writers around here - they usually stick out a mile!

      Laurie: Thank you so much for those lovely well wishes. I'm really so glad that I decided to write about this on here :)

      Susan: Thank you for those kind words. Positivity all the way :)

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 6 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      All the best to your Mom think positive thoughts.

    • LaurieDawn profile image

      LaurieDawn 6 years ago

      What a honest awe-inspiring piece of prose Linda. To put yourself out there with your feelings and your emotions, and your blessings of your Mum.

      My prayers are with you and your family, and may God watch over all of you during this time.

      I wish you and yours the most blessed Holiday Season.

      Laurie

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Beato lei! (I hope my spelling is correct).

      Watch out for a hub I am going to publish that is so esoterically (Is there such a word?) British that only you and I will understand some of the names.

      Just to cheer you up, Lady.

    • Lady Wordsmith profile image
      Author

      Linda Rawlinson 6 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      Thank you Twilight. Yes, I do have a great mum. Almost everything that's good about me comes from her :) (Some of the bad stuff too though: Italian bad temper for one!)

      Linda.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Lady, that was such a sad and sensitive hub. I found tears in my eyes as I was reading it. However, I've marked it as useful, because anybody going through a similar experience would find it heartwarming, sensible and reassuring. God bless your mum; you appear to have a great mum; as she has a great daughter.

    • Lady Wordsmith profile image
      Author

      Linda Rawlinson 6 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      Ah, thank you both :) These times are sent to try us, or something like that! I'm feeling better already, buoyed up by your well wishes.

      Thank you :)

      Linda.

    • michael ely profile image

      michael ely 6 years ago from Scotland

      Hi Linda, Hopefully everything will be fine with your mum. Having read a few of your Hubs over the weeks i know she'll do well with you there for her-somebody positive, humorous and confident. All the best. Michael.

    • tnderhrt23 profile image

      tnderhrt23 6 years ago

      My prayers are with you, Lady Wordsworth, and your Mum, at this difficult time...