ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

What Not to Say When a Woman Loses a Baby to Miscarriage

Updated on August 28, 2014

Watch What You Say

Two lines on the test just as we hoped. A little life is growing inside. How do we refrain from shouting to the world that a precious little soul has been entrusted to us? We wait the standard 12 weeks (eternity) to tell. Now all know and are sharing our feelings of euphoria. The following week a visit to the doctor. We wait with anticipation to hear the heartbeat. After much prodding and poking, a suggestion from the doctor for an immediate ultrasound. Panic creeps in. I never anticipated this. In all of the excitement I never considered this is how the pregnancy would end. The ultrasound finds a small, lifeless baby. The doctor says it must be removed. A simple procedure, painless. Painless. The word floats in my mind. This has been anything but painless. I go in for the procedure with child and leave without a child. I ask work for a grieving day, but was denied. It's not standard to be granted a day for losing my baby in this manner. Everyone needs to be told. I feel shame and embarrassment. I'm expected to act as if it didn't happen. Loneliness and loss. No one knows what to say to me and avoid me for weeks. Weeks of loneliness and guilt plague me. What did I do wrong? Did I cause this? Why?

What NOT to say to a woman after a miscarriage:

-"It was probably something you ate, or the way you moved if you were exercising, or the position you slept in", etc. I felt (and sometimes still feel) guilty enough without any added accusations. A mother to be who is caring for herself during pregnancy is not to blame in any way for a miscarriage. As hard as they are to accept they do happen for various reasons known and unknown. Nothing the mother did caused it. Pointing a finger does nothing but tear the mother down.

-"It's probably for the best." This implies that the baby was probably defective therefore better off dead. A child that is "less than perfect" is not automatically unwanted or unloveable or not deserving of life. Being told it was for the best was the worst thing for me to hear.

-"You can just try again." True, but please don't belittle the value of the lost soul by encouraging me to "replace" it.

What you can say is a simple "I'm sorry, I'm here if you want to talk.". Be a good listener without judging or condemning any feelings shared. A friend is what is needed more than anything in this time of loss and grief.

© 2013 HeatherH104


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • HeatherH104 profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from USA

      Thank you FlourishAnyway. Hopefully it helps others understand a little about how hard it is. I appreciate your comment.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image


      7 years ago from USA

      Very sad. Sorry for your loss. Many times people have no idea what to say so they say the wrong thing or nothing. Your advice hopefully helps to coach folks a little.

    • HeatherH104 profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from USA

      Thank you fertilityhelper. Unless you've been through it it's hard to know how devestating a miscarriage is.

      Thanks for your comment and vote! :)

    • fertilityhelper profile image


      7 years ago

      What a great hub idea. I know how hurtful peoples comments can be, even when they are trying to say something to help. Nobody can understand the unique feelings that a miscarriage brings except for those who have suffered it. Definitely voted +

    • HeatherH104 profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from USA

      Thank you both for your kindness!

    • ChitrangadaSharan profile image

      Chitrangada Sharan 

      7 years ago from New Delhi, India

      Very touching! The mother who loses the baby is the worst affected and she must be treated with sensitivity. A comforting hub and a tender touch on the arm and few words of hope are all that is required in such a situation. What she must be feeling can not be felt by anyone else.

      What else can I say!

    • HappyMikeWritter profile image


      7 years ago

      Interesting hub, voted


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)