PREGNANCY SECRETS - What they don't want you to know.

WARNING: What you are about to read may cause seasoned parents to experience flashbacks and night terrors. Proceed with caution.

Your first pregnancy is a tumultuous ride. The last trimester alone seems to go on all year! I wonder if you have noticed that little look that seasoned mothers give each other when you talk about your pregnancy? What's that all about?

I am here today to throw back the curtains of parenting and reveal the secrets that seasoned mothers so often hide from childless women.

You may be familiar with the book What to expect when you are expecting.

I am here to tell you all the truths that they don't tell you when you're pregnant.

If you aren't already sitting down, you should be.

• They don't tell you that that hospitals allow you to check in your dignity at admin and pick it up on the way out of the maternity ward.
• They don't tell you that you will poop in front of the room full of strangers who are waiting (down there!) to catch your baby.
• They don't tell you that your alleged bundle of joy oozes and leaks from every orifice...constantly.
• They don't tell you that the pitter patter of little feet is really more of a thumping noise and often accompanied by "MMUUUUUMMM, he hit meeee"
• They don't tell you that new parents lose on average 600 hours of sleep in baby's first year alone - it's true.
• They might tell you that some days you will be "lucky" to have a shower and get dressed before lunch...they don't tell you that on the other unlucky occasions you will still be in your pyjama's three days later.
• They don't warn you how much time each day you spend feeding a newborn - 45 minutes to feed, burp and replace the nappy every three hours, eight times a day equals six hours a day. NOTE: resettling, bath time and replacing wet and dirty clothes is not included.
• They don't tell you that you will average about 100 hours per year per child in the waiting rooms of your GP, Paediatrician, chemist and the closest hospital emergency department.
• They don't tell you to take a good book and change for the vending machine with you for the wait - those waiting rooms get so boring.
• They don't warn you that you won't be able to close to toilet door or have a shower without an audience for a long, long time.
• They don't tell you that as soon as baby is old enough to know what it is...you will never eat that last biscuit again.
• They don't tell you how much a growing boy can eat nor how frequently!
• They don't tell you about how much faster apples decompose under the sofa compared to oranges.
• They don't tell you that you will be required to hold out your hand and gracefully catch the half chewed yukkys that your toddler is threatening to spit out onto the floor in the in-laws dining room.
• They don't tell you how to respond when you catch your 3yr old about to blow his nose on your brand new dress.
• They don't tell you how many times a day you can hear the words "Mmuuumm...I'm hungry," before pulling your hair out.
• They don't tell you that the average four year old asks over 340 questions each and every day.
• They don't tell you that you should carry an empty wide neck bottle in the car (Powerade or Berocca bottles are perfect) for when your little boy can't make it to the nearest toilet in time. (I hate to drive past little boys whizzing on the side on the road.)
• They don't tell you that you should dispose of that bottle thoughtfully (really...don't ask).
• They don't tell you what to do when you you find the toddler lovingly massaging blue face paint into the baby's hair.
• They don't tell you that hair absorbs blue face paint so much better than facial skin can.
• They don't tell you what to do when your toddler races into an elevator as the doors close behind them.
• They don't tell you how long it takes to start an elevator after your toddler presses and holds the Emergency button repeatedly.
• They don't tell that Blu-loo (the blue anti-bacterial cleaning blocks placed in cysterns) have incredible dying properties...nine years on and my little blue footprints on the carpet are still as bright as the day they were made!
• They don't tell you that every toddlers favourite watersport involves the toilet.
• They don't tell you that science starts young...Baby's first lesson - Does it float or flush?
• They don't tell you that you should befriend a plumber who can extract the toys from the pipes after these "Float or Flush" lessons for a reasonable price.
• They don't tell you that you could avoid these costly science lessons by just marrying the plumber (if you can't beat 'em...).
• They don't tell you the fastest way to clean talcum powder from the carpet, the draws, the insides of those draws, the tv, the bed and the baby. (Start by vacuuming first then use a damp cloth...and repeat...several times until there is no residue left behind. Be sure to turn the suction down as you vacuum the talc from baby's hair!!)
• They don't tell you how far you heart sinks when you hear the words "Muuumm, I gave (baby) David a crown...do you like it?" Aww, that sounds nice, right? Wrong...on this occassion (because there have been so many) the "crown" was made of potting mix!
• They don't tell you about the before and afters. Need an example?

BEFORE: Movie, dinner and a romantic evening with your man,

AFTER: Shrek for the seventh time today, dinner that involves forcing the same mouthful of mashed potato into baby's mouth for the third time and... "What!?! You want to have sex now!?! You've got to be kidding..."

BEFORE: Standing up on the train to give the elderly a seat.

AFTER: Standing up on the train because heaven forbid your three year old will stop swinging from the bars or jumping off the seats long enough for you to rest your weary feet.

• They don't tell you that you will not be able to wear white clothes for a long, long time. In fact, you can avoid solid colours all together and purchase prints from here on in...they hide the dribble and food stains better.
• They don't tell you that you will never sleep the same again...
• Here's a list of things you may like to worry about in the comfort of your own your bed: feeding troubles, teething troubles, toilet training, returning to work versus staying at home, starting school, bullying troubles, school reports, hanging out with the wrong crowd, girl/boyfriends & dating, is my teenager having sex, teens and driving, teens and alcohol, teens and parties, runaway teens, teens & back chat, teens & drugs, empty nest syndrome, your childs marriage troubles and/or financial troubles, I'm not old enough to be a grandmother yet, et cetera, et cetera.
• They don't tell you how much money childless women save on covering grey's...well, that is if your hairdresser lets you come back after the last time you took them with you.
• They don't tell you about the brown finger paint on the toilet walls.
• They don't tell you how to hide those stubborn finger paint stains with a strategically placed poster - a numbers or alphabet chart is always nice (it serves a dual purpose).

As the mother of three boys my life is never dull. All things considered, I wouldn't change it for the world. This age is so precious and it passes so very, very quickly. You must learn to appreciate every moment...the good, the bad and the down right disgusting!

On a serious note, there are some things you should be aware of if this is your first pregnancy. The first is that a huge percentage of women suffer post natal depression (PND) after childbirth. This doesn't make you a "bad mum." Depression comes in many shapes and forms (my second bout of PND made me fiercely protective). There are many different sources of help available and it is imperative that you confide in someone or seek help, the earlier the better.

The second is to accept every offer of help, whether it's a sincere offer from family or a polite offer from your neighbour (it doesn't have to be a big job - it takes two minutes to go and straighten out your bathroom...and besides, it's their own fault for polite!) If people offer to help it's because they genuinely want to - they consider it a huge honour to cuddle the baby while you have a shower.

In my experience the most common mistake first time expectant mothers make is putting too much emphasis on the birth, much like the bride who plans every detail of her wedding without giving any thought to what's going to happen afterwards. The birth of your child is a huge day but the days, months and years that follow are even bigger.

Finally, I would like to invite you to share your own experiences and your own funny mummy stories. Be sure to pass this hub onto the mothers that you know, especially expectant or new mothers.

We've had some fun today and I'm sure that there will be plenty more "fun" to come. There are things on this list that would have reduced me to tears when I had my first child. Now I find myself backing slowly out of the room to fetch the camera or saying things like "It's funny the first time but if you do it again you'll be huge trouble" Well?...sometimes it's hard to yell at them and keep a straight face!

Please add your own thoughts below...I want to know what didn't they tell you when you had your first child?