Why You Are a Victim of Narcissistic Abuse
Your Partner Is A Narcissist
Perhaps you’ve reached the point where you no longer recognize yourself. You get this feeling of being defenceless, out of which grows enormous anger. You lose control at the slightest tingle and say words that you would have never said before.
You no longer recognize yourself in these situations; you feel strangely disconnected.
But to fight these painful inner feelings, we first have to clarify why you became a victim at all. Once you are aware of the reason, you can then start working on yourself to feel like a whole and healthy person again.
Your (ex) partner is a narcissist, and unfortunately, you didn’t notice that at the beginning of the relationship.
Narcissists can be wonderfully charming and delight others
But gradually your partner has changed, and the narcissistic abuse has grown stronger.
You have reached a dead-end from which you can’t currently break out.
Of course, it is now easy to blame your narcissistic partner. Unfortunately, that’s too easy, because the power of narcissists only arises if we let them have that power. And that’s the dilemma that you share with everyone who has been the victim of a narcissist.
It’s easy to blame your partner and see yourself as helpless and at the mercy of the other, but that wouldn’t change the whole situation.
In actual fact, you have allowed that person to have power over you.
Let’s look together to what extent our behaviour is responsible for the current situation and narcissistic abuse.
You Hope He’s Going To Change
You like to think back to the beginning of your relationship. Your partner was charming, courteous and friendly. He carried you, listened to you and was always there for you.
But then he suddenly changed. It started with teasing, insults and humiliations soon became part of everyday life, not to mention the lies and manipulations.
Deep down, you are sure that it is your fault that he changed so much.
You want your partner to be the same as when you started your relationship. You long for the tenderness and compliments he made back then.
And that’s why you try to do everything right for him, all in the hope that the good times will come back and that happiness will once again, blossom.
The chances of that are unfortunately negligible. You can’t expect empathy and understanding from a narcissist. He wants to be the centre of attention, get recognition and be admired.
A narcissist is only looking for his benefits
And he is looking for you because he knows that he can do what he wants with you, you don’t draw the line.
Love and romance are beautiful. So beautiful that many of us forget that we also have limits, which a partner shouldn’t cross. It often begins with tiny border crossings that we don’t notice in our infatuation. But it is precisely these small steps that are dangerous.
You didn’t set any limits and thus always encouraged him to expand his new freedoms and continue to break down new boundaries.
It might have started with him buying clothes that you don’t like and that you still put on for him simply because you believed that you would make your partner happy with it.
Then the whole thing expanded to your appearance, your hairstyle.
Little by little, he tries to cross borders that you subsequently willingly tore down yourself.
You relax in the bathtub, and your partner may be doing # 2 right next to you. It is neither romantic nor considerate. It just shows how you, as an individual, have become irrelevant to this person.
You Have Waived Your Rights As An Individual
Narcissists are dangerous manipulators and, often with ease, convince you of certain things. All means are appropriate, and you followed each of these manipulations and let him take the lead.
In the past, it was the decisions of which film to watch, or where to go for dinner. Today, your partner determines which movie to watch, where to go for dinner and even whom you can contact.
I know how it feels when your partner controls everything, and you no longer have the strength to present your suggestions.
You are afraid that he will go nuts again or ignore or punish you because you have a different opinion. But it’s mostly us that are to blame.
You Never Said No
Narcissists love nothing more than a lack of contradiction.
You did him exactly this favour by allowing everything, regardless of whether it was about lifestyle, financial planning or sexual matters.
Showing limits was simply not possible in this regard, and he takes advantage of that.
Your partner determines everything, and you never contradicted him.
Perhaps you contradicted him once and felt his reaction.
And for fear of that reaction, you have never dared to express your opinion again.
Perhaps you were never allowed to say no as a child, or your opinion was simply not acceptable. And now that you feel this overwhelming anger and weakness in you, you don’t know how to say no.
You Gave Up On Yourself
At some point, you think that the situation is hopeless.
The narcissistic abuse is so deceitful. You get to a point where you
neither can nor want to defend yourself.
You have given up on yourself and your needs, have completely subordinated yourself and lost an essential part of yourself. That part is still slumbering deep within you.
With every “yes”, every retreat and every suppression of your wishes and needs, you have given up on yourself
You Lost Your Self-esteem
Confidence and healthy self-esteem are critical, and it may take a long time before we can appreciate ourselves and know our strengths.
If you don’t stand by yourself and you know who you are and what you can do, then a narcissist has it easy, because a narcissist doesn’t stop at feelings.
Through constant criticism and the many different other forms of manipulation, the trust in your performance and your abilities is getting smaller and smaller.
You can practically watch day by day how your self-esteem and self-confidence gets smaller and smaller.
A typical example, you always thought that you could cook very well, and your friends and family have always said that your food tastes particularly delicious. Everyone always wanted to try your cake first because you can bake so well.
You were proud of your culinary skills
In the beginning, your partner also liked your cuisine and always praised you, but gradually the praise ended, and the first points of criticism came.
By now you are almost afraid to cook because you know that your cooking will not please him. Your former pride in your skill, your self-esteem is at an all-time low.
Compliments from other people can no longer be accepted because you are confident that your partner is spot on with his criticism.
You have given up control over yourself to a person who’s using you
When all was well, it was so lovely, his promises were tempting, and you felt like he’s the one. What you couldn’t see is the fact that your partner has taken advantage of you and still is taking advantage of you.
He used every little bit of control you gave up to drive you more and more into dependency. And to suppress and undermine your desire for freedom and your will.
It goes on to the point where you just don’t have the strength to free yourself from this situation.
And then the following can happen,
- You are only a heap of misery and a shadow of yourself
- You are entirely on your own, no more friends and family
- Your soul hurts, and there is a deep emptiness in you
It all happened because you have told your partner no limits. If you valued yourself and loved yourself, you would never have let it get this far.
Where Do You Go From Here?
A narcissist alone can’t do much; he needs our active participation for the abuse to start, for him to exercise his power.
But how can you solve that problem now?
If you are to blame for giving up your inner identity and values for a toxic person, then the solution is in you.
I know for myself how bad narcissistic abuse feels and how much suffering comes with it. I was with a narcissist, and I experienced the points described in this post.
I eventually was able to free myself from the abuse and let my soul find healing. Today I am happier than ever. And that’s when I discovered my greatest wish. The desire to help others free themselves from a toxic relationship and to be able to break out.
You have to understand one thing; your happiness doesn’t end with the person you met today. For every person that does not appreciate you, there is a person that will.
It’s as simple as that, only you decide whom you allow into your life, and only you draw the line as to how far anyone can go.
- What is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissists don't really love themselves. Actually, they're driven by shame. It's the idealized image of themselves, which they convince themselves they embody.
- How to Spot Narcissistic Abuse | Psychology Today Canada
Narcissists don’t really love themselves, but are driven by shame. Their coping mechanisms are abusive and damage relationships, hence the term, “narcissistic abuse.”
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and does not substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed health professional. Drugs, supplements, and natural remedies may have dangerous side effects. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.
© 2020 Danyel