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Yoga For Beginners and Those With A Sense of Humor

Updated on September 26, 2013
My favorite yoga position
My favorite yoga position | Source
Downward Facing Dog
Downward Facing Dog | Source
Picture my butt sticking out of the clouds and you have the Mountain Position
Picture my butt sticking out of the clouds and you have the Mountain Position | Source
The Tiger Position (not really)
The Tiger Position (not really) | Source

It might be time for this author to see a professional and have a full psychological check up! I mean what in the world am I thinking? I am sixty-three years old and suddenly I decided to start a yoga routine! At sixty-three most people with half a brain are thinking about laying in a hammock in the back yard, sipping a cold one and letting old age slowly advance. Not me, though! Oh no, I decide that I’m going to halt the advancement of age and declare war on the sedentary lifestyle that sounds so wonderful.

So four weeks ago I did exactly that; I picked up a video and began a journey into torture. I called on muscles that had practically petrified over the past two decades and sprang into action. Well, maybe I didn’t spring so much as I gamely limped forward, but begin I did, and I can proudly say that I am still doing it. I haven’t tossed in the towel yet! Daddy didn’t raise no quitter and by God, if pregnant housewives in Bangladesh can do this then so can I. I am, after all, a United States citizen, and we can do anything the rest of the world can do and we can do it better, right? Except for soccer, of course….and cricket…we suck at cricket….and we really suck at rugby….and we double suck at LaCrosse…but besides that insignificant stuff we are really, really good.

How did I get to this point where I am standing at the edge of insanity, if in fact I have not already plunged over the precipice?

THE BACKGROUND

At one time I was a pretty good athlete. Show me a sport and I was more than willing to try it; toss in some competition and I was all over it like a Doberman on a mailman’s leg. I played college baseball, golfed, played tennis with a vengeance, shot hoops and ran 10K races. I tried soccer, climbed mountains and never met a bowling ball I didn’t like.

And then it all stopped! As a single parent I finally gave up sports at the age of forty-five so I could spend more time with my son. Looking back that may not have been the wisest decision for my health but I never claimed to be smart and at least I’m consistent. Anyway, my son had my full-time attention and by the time he graduated from high school I was getting along in years and not feeling the drive to compete any longer. Sound familiar? It is so easy to fall out of the exercise routine, and I embraced the sluggish lifestyle that I had adopted.


Fast Forward

And then I met the love of my life, Beverly, and she started to sweetly ride my butt (in that lovely way women have); she explained that she wanted her and I to have decades of happiness together and that wasn’t going to happen if I didn’t take steps to live longer. In other words, the old guilt approach! Having grown up in a Catholic home and having attended Catholic school, I was indoctrinated with guilt at an early age so naturally I was responsive to Bev’s approach. I can live and breathe guilt with the best of them; Sister Mary Attila would be proud!

THE HERE AND NOW

So here I am, four weeks into this new “healthy lifestyle” nonsense and yoga is a big part of the plan. I do it daily. I put my yoga mat down on the floor to the accompanying sounds of neighborhood dogs barking, and I soldier on each morning. If you don’t mind I would like to share this experience with you. I’m going to tell you about some of these hellacious bends and twists on the off-chance that you might like to try it yourself someday. Fat chance of that but I’m willing to do my part to save your sorry butts! Don’t try to thank me!


The Daily Routine

I need to give a plug to the architect of this miserable routine. I actually bought a video called “7 Minutes Of Magic” by Lee Holden. About the only thing magical about those seven minutes is the fact that so far I haven’t thrown that video into the garbage yet; but let’s carry on with the story. On this DVD there is an extended a.m. workout, an extended p.m. workout and a power workout. No, I do not do all three. Are you out of you mind? If I tried all three at this early stage I would be on a slab at the mortuary waiting to have my organs liquefied.

What is it about yoga where they have to use these weird names for the different exercises? Do you think I’m kidding? In one seven minute routine we do the following:

· Downward Facing Dog

· The Mountain

· The Cobra

· The Tiger

· The Child’s Pose

· The Lunge

· The Willow in the Wind

Too Far-East mystical for this boy and quite frankly not a bit truthful in the description. Let me translate those names in my own language:

· Downward Facing Dog…….Unnatural Position Causes Great Pain

· The Mountain…..Butt In Air Causing Embarrassment

· The Cobra….Spine Bending Wrong Way Equals Screams of Agony

· The Tiger….Kill the Damn Cat and Get Me A Beer

· Child’s Pose….Torn Ligament Position

· The Lunge….Goodbye Manhood If I Tear That Muscle

· Willow In The Wind….Praying To Yoga Gods For Relief

See, those are much easier to understand!


An Air of the Ethereal

Here’s another thing that baffles the hell out of me. While you are doing these routines Mr. Holden is speaking in the background, sort of walking you through each exercise with his words. I hate that he speaks so softly and gently, like that damn monk on the television series “Kung Fu.” While he’s doing his best to sound all peaceful I’m writhing in excruciating pain on the floor. I swear, if I ever meet this guy I’m going to beat him over the head with his own DVD, and I’ll gently whisper obscenities while I do it.

And here’s another thing! The video shows him doing these routines on an exercise platform that sits out in a peaceful lake. The sun is rising in the background, the air is calm, the water ever so gently lapping against the platform, and that soothing voice of his droning on. Who the hell does he think he’s kidding? I’m crammed in my writing studio, the rain and wind pounding the windows, horns honking and kids screaming, and not a peaceful vision in sight. How can I get in touch with my id with that kind of racket? My yin is all mixed up with my yang and I wouldn’t recognize a feng shui if you slapped me with one. I’ll bet Mr. Holden wouldn’t be so obnoxiously peaceful if he did the routines where I do them.


Are you doing yoga now?

See results

Bottom Line

Hey, this is the United States, and in the United States we sue people. I’m going to sue this clown for misrepresentation of a product. I mean, shouldn’t I be slimmer by now? Shouldn’t I be able to wrap my leg around my neck by now? Shouldn’t I be able to experience one damn minute of peace and serenity by now???? I’m an alcoholic and I NEED SERENITY!!!

I’m going to give it a few more weeks and then I’d better see results or I’m calling a lawyer. I want the same lawyer who handled the lawsuit against McDonalds because their coffee was too hot. I figure my claim is good for a cool million if a penny!

Until then I’m going to keep placing my body in positions only the Marquis de Sade would appreciate. I should have known this would happen. Forty years ago I got a copy of the Kama Sutra and damn near killed myself following that advice.

I am such a sucker!

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)

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    • bdegiulio profile image

      Bill De Giulio 4 years ago from Massachusetts

      Bill, this is hilarious. But good for you for sticking with it. I tried yoga many years ago and I know what you mean about the names of the positions. Who came up with these anyway. Hopefully the yoga works some magic for you. Well written and very funny. Bill

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      bdegiulio, you are fast! I barely posted it and there you were. Thanks my friend! In truth I kind of enjoy it and I do find it relaxing once the pain goes away. LOL Thank you!

    • Lisawilliamsj profile image

      Lisa Williams 4 years ago

      This is such a great hub, you had me literally laughing out loud ! Before I had my three kids I used to do yoga all the time and loved it (I was barely 18), but I tried to do it a couple of weeks ago and had the same reaction as you. I voted up!

    • Julie DeNeen profile image

      Blurter of Indiscretions 4 years ago from Clinton CT

      AHHAHAHAHAHA! you crack me up! Nice work. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Lisa, shhh, don't tell anyone but I actually enjoy it. :) Thank you so much for visiting again.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Julie, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Sometimes I'm funny without even trying to be....those are the times I worry about myself. :)

    • rsusan profile image

      Rika Susan 4 years ago from South Africa

      Bill, I think we can now do with some deep, calming yoga breathing exercises after laughing ourselves silly here! All in all a good workout! Thanks for the fun, my friend.

      Rika

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      rsusan, yes, I think that exercise is in order. LOL Thank you and I'm glad you enjoyed it. Have a great weekend.

    • profile image

      linda 4 years ago

      Dont feel bad Bill. Ive recently taken on a exercise routine of my own and with a week, crawling out of bed had become quite a literal statement. Best of luck to you and keep up the breathing and relaxing! Lol :)

    • CloudExplorer profile image

      Mike Pugh 4 years ago from New York City

      I don't know about you Bill but Yoga is far from my personal work out scope, lol.

      You go on with your bad self man, I'm sticking to normal bodily positions, like sitting, walking, standing, Indian type pose stretching, jumping jacks, push up's, sit up's, and normal running.

      Yikes Yoga looks and is so painful indeed, I don't care to be able to bend my torso, and entire body into a pretzel stick. Haha

      I love your humor here its so hilarious, I was cracking up throughout the reading of this awesome hub of yours, and I especially like the climax towards the end, because I thought you were going to promote the use of that Yoga instructors video, but instead you flattened it.

      Nice! writing style and super funny, voted up and you know where else its going.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Linda, I feel better already knowing there is someone else out there suffering. LOL Thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mike, I don't know man...it is painful, but I know there are benefits if I just stick with it. I used to love sports so much, and I miss having my body responsive and in shape. I'm just going to hang with it for awhile and see what happens.

      Thanks, buddy, for stopping by. I'll catch you down the road of life.

    • Jools99 profile image

      Jools99 4 years ago from North-East UK

      Bill I bought D'Arcy Bushell's Pilates DVD and also wanted to fling that across the room...yoga might be more my thing but I'm too idle at the moment; I admore you for trying though :o), this made me laugh, loved your description of Mountain position!

    • CyberShelley profile image

      Shelley Watson 4 years ago

      Billbuc, Thanks you for the belly laugh, just what I needed and really do keep up the Yoga just find a more gentle method!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jools, we do what we have to do...and hate it all the way. :)

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cyber, I'm trying! Boy, this is much more work than I had planned on doing. :) Thank you!

    • josh3418 profile image

      Joshua Zerbini 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

      This is great Bill, I don't think I will be taking up yoga anytime soon though! But, I do commemorate your for taking it up, and this hub was hilarious. Especially the part about the pregnant women in Bangladesh, loved it! All my votes and sharing!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks nephew! That was my favorite line in the whole hub! LOL

    • josh3418 profile image

      Joshua Zerbini 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

      LOL, You are welcome! It definitely cracked me up for the first hub I read this morning, so thanks!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Josh....:)

    • Dr Pooja profile image

      Dr Pooja 4 years ago

      Funny description of your new keep fit mantra .

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I'm glad you enjoyed it Dr. Pooja!

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 4 years ago from North Carolina

      I am not sure about the rest of your followers, but personally think this hub could be significantly enhanced if you would show us your yoga skills rather than tell us about them. I think some photos and videos of you doing these poses in your leotard would help us appreciate your efforts so much more. :) Pictures, pictures, pictures!!!!!

      I did yoga a few years ago but I found it to be painful. I don't find the serenity in it. Great hub and very funny.

    • ChristyWrites profile image

      Christy Birmingham 4 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      Right on Bill, although this is humorous I am also glad that you are making an effort to be healthy! I have taken an yoga class and know many of the poses you describe. My fave exercise is walking. I vote up and will share too.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Tammy, the chance of me taking pictures of me in a leotard is slim and slimmer...LOL...Nice try my friend!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Christy, thanks! I love Child's Pose because I can just rest on the floor. LOL

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      OMG! Bill every morning I'm going to imagine you in a tortured pose cursing silently! LOL LOL

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kelly, I'm stalling right now, trying to delay the pain I know is coming. LOL

    • midget38 profile image

      Michelle Liew 4 years ago from Singapore

      Ok....after this. good luck with the stretching! Give yourself a break in between. Funny!

    • TravelAbout profile image

      Katheryn 4 years ago from United States

      As always; nothing better than a quick dose of billybuc humor! I guess I'll now cross yoga off my bucket list as I am not one that enjoys pain :)

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Travel, thank you very much. Glad I made you laugh but sorry about ruining your bucket list. :)

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Midget, I'm going to give myself many breaks today. :)

    • DreamerMeg profile image

      DreamerMeg 4 years ago from Northern Ireland

      Great hub, really enjoyed that. I voted "Tried it but have young children". Does it cont that they are young grandchildren?

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Dreamer...LOL...yep, that counts for sure! Glad you enjoyed this and thank you for visiting.

    • Civil War Bob profile image

      Civil War Bob 4 years ago from Glenside, Pennsylvania

      Good hub, Bill. Never tried yoga, but really like yogurt! ;)

    • Kris Heeter profile image

      Kris Heeter 4 years ago from Indiana

      Great hub! I love our "downward facing dog" and "tiger" photos as a fun spin to the topic.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks Kris! It really is fairly enjoyable but that doesn't stop me from playing the curmudgeon card when writing a hub about it. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Bob, that's a start. LOL...thank you for the visit!

    • donnah75 profile image

      Donna Hilbrandt 4 years ago from Upstate New York

      I am so glad that I clicked and read your hub today! Your photos and captions are hysterical. You gave me a good healthy laugh, which I needed today. Thanks. You have also reminded me that it might be a good idea to dust of the Pilates dvd. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Donnah, I aim to please! :) It's really not as bad as I portray it to be, but it is a challenge that at this point is kicking me in the behind. Thank you!

    • phdast7 profile image

      Theresa Ast 4 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then laughed some more. The only exercise approach I ever found that isn't misery for those of us over 55 was doing physical therapy exercises in a pool. You are sore afterward, the good muscle sore, but no agony during the exercises. I (well all of us) can safely do things in the water that we probably shouldn't do on land. I am proud of you for trying,but I feel for you as you stretch and twist in agony. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Theresa, it is sheer agony, but I am determined! If I had a pool I'd take your approach but as it is I'm stuck in agony. :) Glad you enjoyed it and thank you my friend.

    • bridalletter profile image

      Brenda Kyle 4 years ago from Blue Springs, Missouri, USA

      I hope you do more things out of the ordinary soon, you write with so much humor that way! It's great. My ex-mother in law is in her mid sixties; does yoga weekly and she notices the difference in little things. It is easier to twist her neck around while driving in reverse, she is more flexible and it is easier to tie her shoes, bend or any of those daily things.

      I hope you can stick to it. Maybe a little more inner peace along side the yoga and maybe the two will click together and you will find that serenity.

      Lot's of luck and please write more!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      bridalletter, there are those who tell me to write less. LOL Thank you! I have actually seen a difference already after four weeks. I am more flexible and movements come easier. It really is worthwhile but that doesn't prevent me from complaining. :) Thank you again!

    • Voronwe profile image

      Voronwe 4 years ago

      lol...hilarious hub! Awesome humour - couldn't stop laughing. "Obnoxiously peaceful" :)

      I tried Yoga a few years back- had a sneaky feeling that I was not meant for it and I was right. All the best to you, Billy!

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Good for you Bill to take on the challenge of yoga! It's a whole new adventure and once you get past the painful part you will become hooked. I started yoga 4 years ago and I still enjoy it...when I have time for it. Way to go! I'm cheering you on!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      bill....your hubs always ROCK......Yoga is an EXCELLENT practice and everyone should get involved.....Bev is one of the smartest women I know.....

      .and Of course, you're out of your mind, but what does that have to do with this hub? Stretch, breathe, relax.....very good, grasshopper....

    • yoginijoy profile image

      yoginijoy 4 years ago from Mid-Atlantic, USA

      This was a great hub! So hilarious and true! I once had a yoga instructor say when we were twisted into knots and trying not to scream in pain, "Now, wipe off those angry faces and nasty thoughts and put on your nirvana face!" That always got us laughing--just like your hub! Enjoy your downward dogs! Namaste!

    • Cyndi10 profile image

      Cynthia B Turner 4 years ago from Georgia

      Billy, you are, as they say, a hoot! Yoga can sometimes feel like torture, but it is oh so good. Next you should add Tai Chi :-) Awesome article. As yoginijoy says, "namaste."

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      yoginijoy, that is hilarious! I'd show that instructor a nirvana face for the ages!!! Thanks for the laugh and for the visit.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Paula, of course I'm out of my mind and of course, that's why you like me!

      Thanks buddy; I happen to think Bev is pretty damn smart as well.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Linda, thanks for the encouragement. I'll keep plugging away and good things, hopefully, will happen.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Voronwe, thank you so much and I'm glad you enjoyed my somewhat twisted sense of humor.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cyndi, it's that warped Catholic sense of humor coming out again! I can't control it. :) Thank you my friend and I'm glad you enjoyed that journey through my mind. I'll take your suggestion abou Tai Chi under advisement!

    • Ron Hawkster profile image

      Ron Hawkster 4 years ago from United States of America

      Billybuc, of course you should sue him. 4 weeks is practically a lifetime. In fact, people should get slimmer the minute they buy the DVD. I'm with you and I'm willing to testify on your behalf... They sold the DVD and didn't include a lake? Are you kidding me? This is the US of A baby. No lake, no peace.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ron, that comment had me laughing out loud! I'm glad you understand my situation...I think it was horrible misrepresentation! LOL Thanks my friend!

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      I am laughing so hard it hurts! I can just see you tying yourself in a knot, Kill the Damn Cat and Get Me A Beer nearly made me choke! absolutely hilarious! I do understand I tried yoga for about 4 minutes, 5 was just to much! good luck with it, and let us know how you get on! lol!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Nell, I love sharing a laugh with my fellow Hubbers. It may have cost me a little pain but it was worth it. :) Thank you funny lady!

    • profile image

      kelleyward 4 years ago

      Yoga is amazing Bill! It's great for strength, flexibility, and stress reduction. I haven't been doing much yoga lately but I'm glad to know that you are. Why didn't you provide a video of your experience? Thanks for the great laugh. Kelley

    • CR Rookwood profile image

      Pamela Hutson 4 years ago from Moonlight Maine

      lol! Too funny. I have a big yoga poster in my loft that shows all the sun salutation positions and a bunch of other stuff. I've done it for awhile, then quit. I also have a treadmill that I use sometimes until I injure myself. Usually that happens about two weeks in, when I can finally do a mile in 20 minutes. I fall off of it or twist my ankle or whatever. I am too flaky and clumsy to commit to a formal exercise routine. I walk my dog and lift food to my mouth. ;)

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kelley, that video is not going to happen! LOL Thanks for the suggestion, though; just don't tell Bev or she will stalk me with a camera.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      CR, I especially like your last exercise...life food to your mouth. LOL...my kind of Hubber! Thank you!

    • rajan jolly profile image

      Rajan Singh Jolly 4 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

      Bill this is one funny piece of writing right from the start. Those translations were very cool. I love your favorite yoga postion. Wish I could do it! Hehe.

      BTW Bill, thanks for including that link. Goes well with this hub isn't it ? Lol.

      Voted up and funny.

    • MargaritaEden profile image

      MargaritaEden 4 years ago from Oregon

      Bill, have I told you that I just love your hubs!!! Thanks for making me laugh, you have a great sense of humor! Hey, I think that is a wonderful idea, good for you!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Rajan, I thought you would like the link included. LOL...glad you liked it and thank you my friend.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Margarita, that pleases me. Thank you for the visit and I wish you a wonderful weekend in Oregon!

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

      Believe it or not, I have that video and was a faithful yoga enthusiast until Hubpages entered my domain. All kidding aside, yoga is a wonderful exercise. I still do the stretching without the video. ( I don't even know where it is. ) I have faith in you. Stick with it. Bev knows best. Funny hub, made me laugh. Thank you..

    • mary615 profile image

      Mary Hyatt 4 years ago from Florida

      I loved this Hub! I do Yoga, and I'm not telling my age, but if you look at my photo and count the wrinkles, you can guess! I'm really into meditation, too. Have you tried that along with the yoga?

      I voted this UP, shared here and will share on FB

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Mary! You look fit as a fiddle so I have no doubt that yoga is working for you. Thanks for the suggestion and for stopping by.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Ruby! It has helped and I actually enjoy it. Have faith in Bev; she won't let me slip. :)

    • CrisSp profile image

      CrisSp 4 years ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      Ha...ha...ha..you are so funny billybuc! I can't seem to visualize you on those Yoga positions and the ohmm, ohmm, ohmm sounds with your hand clasp together while at rest on your yoga cross sitting position on the floor. I did it once in my life and I got bored. It felt like it was the longest hour of my life. Lol! Sorry, I know the good benefits and all, it's just not for me. I'd rather go play basketball or squash or better yet go boxing. That's a very brave attempt for you though. Keep up the good work. This made me laugh. Thanks.

    • profile image

      Jhudah 4 years ago

      Hahaha! This is so, so hilarious! I think i just had my laughing workout by just reading this hub.

      Thanks billybuc for making us laugh out loud.

      voted up!

    • MelChi profile image

      Melanie Chisnall 4 years ago from Cape Town, South Africa

      LOL! I'm so glad you've finally joined us crazies who do the yoga...now we just need to get you onto meditating! ;-) I've also started yoga, this past week. I bought one of those kinetic Fitness workout games, and must say I am in a little bit of pain today. But, it's all good. What do they say? No pain, no gain! Look forward to reading how you're doing in the next month or two! :)

    • tillsontitan profile image

      Mary Craig 4 years ago from New York

      Okay, so, because the rest of us don't do yoga (in our tights/leotards) you are writing things like this to make us writhe in laughter and thereby exercise muscles we didn't know we had?

      Maybe we should all find a platform on a lake and meditate!

      " Legend tells of a legendary warrior whose kung fu skills were the stuff of legend. " Would that be how we should start describing your yoga skills?

      Voted up, funny and interesting.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cris, that's okay, because I'm having a hard time seeing myself doing this. LOL I was always into active sports; this is a bit tame in nature but it certainly does stretch the muscles. Thank you my young friend!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jhudah, my pleasure! Isn't laughing a great medicine?

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      MelChi, if I survive the next month I'll probably do a follow-up! :) Thank you and I'm glad I could share a laugh with you.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mary, I'm not sure we can describe my yoga experience as "yoga skills." LOL I'm game for anything so we'll see how this works out. Thank you my friend; wishing cooler weather for you today in New York.

    • annart profile image

      Ann Carr 4 years ago from SW England

      What?! - cricket and rugby insignificant stuff! Excuse me, but being English I must protest! There, that's my exercise for the day.

      This is an hilarious hub. I've never tried yoga but I have friends who swear by it - I think I would swear long and hard if I tried doing any of those positions you mention. My sport is tennis, though this is the first year I haven't played any, apart from vicariously this week and next as I watch Wimbledon. Thanks for the chuckles here billy. Voted up and funny. Ann

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ann, in truth I would love to play cricket. It is close enough to baseball to tweak my interest. The other sports are only insignificant because Americans are too slow to understand them. :) Love you outlook on yoga. Enjoy Wimbledon; I am cheering for Sharipova, as I always do. Thank you my friend.

    • Nora411 profile image

      Nora411 4 years ago from Chicago, IL

      omg haha this is too funny! I've always wondered about Yoga. The descriptions of those positions are hilarious! I have been doing Zumba (another exercise craze in the USA), and that has been working out well. Maybe I should give this Yoga a try and let you know how it works out! Another great hub, keep it up! Voted up, funny, and sharing!!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Nora, I'm glad you enjoyed it. A former student of mine is doing Zumba and she has lost 50 pounds and looks great. Keep doing whatever helps you and that you enjoy. You would probably like Yoga because it is peaceful...once you get past the pain. :) Thank you!

    • Stephanie Henkel profile image

      Stephanie Henkel 4 years ago from USA

      This was hilarious, Bill! I always love stories about self-inflicted pain and suffering! :) In my younger (much younger) days, I enjoyed yoga, but I'm afraid I have no desire to hurt myself at this age! :0 Good for you for giving it a good shot!

    • Deborah Brooks profile image

      Deborah Brooks Langford 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

      You are so funny.. I tried yoga..it about killed me.. lol instead I walk 45 minutes a day and low impact exercise 3 times a week. and lift weights.. just to try and stay alive.. LOL.. Love your hub.. I will share to try and help you get more followers.. I know you would do the same for me.

      Bless you

      Debbie

    • ripplemaker profile image

      Michelle Simtoco 4 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      Hahahaha Billy you are so funny. I can picture you doing the yoga poses and all...LOL I do yoga from time to time and it does help my flexibility. You can also try tai chi. Blessings. :)

    • alocsin profile image

      alocsin 4 years ago from Orange County, CA

      Thanks for this honest and amusing appraisal of this practice, billybuc. Being of a certain age, I've considered yoga to improve flexibility but as you said, it takes time. Voting this Up and Interesting.

    • Jeannieinabottle profile image

      Jeannie InABottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      Bill, I hate to tell you this, but yoga might now be your thing. I've tried it before, too, and it does help with flexibility. However, I found it to be a real snooze. Also, it isn't so much getting in those positions, it is staying in them, or in even worse, attempting to get back out of them. If you are trying to get healthier, I recommend Tae Bo. It is not "the cool workout" anymore, but it is energetic, fast-paced, and Billy Blanks has plenty of positive things to say. Fun hub and voted up!

    • brenda12lynette profile image

      brenda12lynette 4 years ago from Utah

      Good luck, bullybuc! I used to do yoga lot, but I haven't got around to it recently. I loved it!! Don't give up yet :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Stephanie, that was very funny...self-inflicted pain and suffering....yes my friend, that's exactly what this is. Thank you for the visit and great comment.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Debbie, thank you very much and you are correct, I would most definitely do the same.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ripple, thank you for the suggestion. I have heard that from others as well. Let me recover from this torture and then I'll consider it.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Aurelio, I'm always happy to give a few laughs to friends, even when the cost is my pain. :) thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jeannie, that was funny and oh so accurate. It's not getting in the position; it's getting out that is a challenge. I think I need to do a little more work on this. LOL

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Brenda, I'll hang in there; once I start something I rarely quit it. Thank you for stopping by.

    • Jlava73 profile image

      Jennifer Vasconcelos 4 years ago from Cyberspace and My Own World

      I'd love to write a witty comment, but I can't stop laughing long enough to think of one.

    • Docmo profile image

      Mohan Kumar 4 years ago from UK

      Product Recall: Dear Mr Holland, further to your recent purchase of our premier Yoga DVD, we regret to inform you there has been some contamination of the actual material. 'Seven minutes of Magic' is meant to something else sire. What we thought were authentic yoga poses have now been discovered to be positions extracted from Kama Sutra . This means that these should not... we repeat.. should not be done on your own but preferably with a partner of the opposite gender.

      The Willow definitely should not be in the wind, sir.

      We do apologise for this confusion and we have enclosed the correct product where the lotus, the head stand, the sun worshiper are all positions to be tried. Would you kindly return or discard the contaminated product swiftly before the cobra gets into a complicated coil.

      Yours respectfully,

      Holden McGroin

      Allpositions inc.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jlava, enjoy the laugh; it's free. Thank you my loyal follower.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mr. McGroin!

      I wouldn't think of giving up my Yoga DVD...are you kidding? This is the most fun I've had since I was a young stud of 25! I'm holding free demonstrations (women only) at local boutiques for the month of July. I am so looking forward to helping volunteers find new positions that will enhance their lifestyle.

      Thank you!

      Another satisfied customer!

    • carozy profile image

      carozy 4 years ago from San Francisco

      Well this makes me laugh because I know your pain! I took yoga at my gym and started thinking it was going to be too slow and boring. I was totally wrong, what a workout I got. The last position, lying on our backs and "finding stillness", I practically fell asleep I was so tired. Anyways, keep with it. Your muscles are thanking you for it.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Carozy, exactly! I finish my routine on the floor and want to take a nap...sheez, will this ever get easy? LOL Thank you!

    • time2rite profile image

      time2rite 4 years ago from Navarre, Fl, USA

      Haha, too funny, BillyBuc! Try doing these poses on the beach during the day...people will give you strange looks and if you're REALLY focused, you won't notice their snickers when you lose your balance during "Tree Pose" and fall headlong into the sand! Going to stick to the (relative) privacy of my living room and my Denise Austin "Mind, Body and Soul" dvd...try and salvage some of my dignity while still being in close proximity to ice packs and Icy Hot cream: here's to healthy bodies!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Time, there is no way I'm doing this in public. No way! You are a brave soul for even giving it a try. LOL

      Thank you for the visit; always a pleasure!

    • mollymeadows profile image

      Mary Strain 4 years ago from The Shire

      Billybuc, if you ever saw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, you'll know what you're working towards. I think some wit summarized the general idea this way: "If your heart is pure, you will be able to fly."

      XD

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Molly, if I reach that point you'll read about it in the news. LOL...thank you!

    • Ruchira profile image

      Ruchira 4 years ago from United States

      Awesome!!

      At 63 you are rocking, Bill. Sure, if pregnant women in bangladesh can do it...lol

      why can't you??

      Loved how you interpreted the postures in your own terms...lol

      now your next challenge is to try Tai-Chi. If 63 year old people in China can do then why can't you? :))

      voted up and voted as funny and awesome!!

      sharing it across

    • poojasd7 profile image

      poojasd7 4 years ago from India

      Cobra pose(Bhujangasana), Sarvangasana(3/4th body upwards, head and shoulders on the ground) and Dhanurasana (Bow-shaped pose) are my favourite ones....

      Also Surya-namaskar(Sun salutation) is very good for overall body....try it out if you have never tried it before....

      FYI, yoga makes your body flexible...if you do power yoga then you can reduce the body weight within a month or so.... but the normal yoga will benefit your muscles by making them flexible and it will also exercise your internal organs... they will get vitalized if you continue with yoga... and the most important thing is the BLOOD CIRCULATION increases and it reaches every part of your body if you do yoga.... :-)

      Be regular in it and have faith :-)

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 4 years ago

      Now I don't feel so bad when I attempt to do a certain pose on my Wii yoga. Love your description of the yoga .. you may have created a new jargon for the ancient art.

    • shampa sadhya profile image

      Shampa Sadhya 4 years ago from NEW DELHI, INDIA

      Voted up and awesome!

      How do you manage to write such wonderful articles. Every article has a distinct style of writing. Loved it and it's a matter of health so carry on with your new found love that's yoga. I simply enjoyed the way you wrote. Keep writing!

    • cclitgirl profile image

      Cynthia Sageleaf 4 years ago from Western NC

      Oh, geez, hehehe. You have a way of making me just laugh! As I begin everything anew in my own life, I'm thinking of ways to incorporate exercise. Apparently it helps to keep you young. So, I've got an exercise video and all the dance moves I can conjure up...plus a road bike and a mountain bike. I should be able to incorporate some exercise...it's getting the whole schedule thing down right now...I figure it'll take a good week to do that. Maybe more. Maybe a lot more. Ha! Thanks, friend. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ruchira, you are the third person to suggest Tai Chi...I might have to look into it...once I get over the pain caused by yoga. :) Thank you my friend!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Poojasd, thank you, I appreciate you sharing your wisdom.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Dianna, it is good to have company who understands the challenge of yoga. Thank you my friend; best of luck in those poses.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Shampa, you are very kind! I guess I just have a unique voice when writing. It's certainly not a conscious decision. Thank you so much!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cyndi, thank you for stopping by. Best of luck this week getting that schedule thing down.

    • profile image

      Sueswan 4 years ago

      Hi Billy

      I have tried yoga and I remember whenever I did the child pose my feet would cramp up.

      The only thing that hurts now is my stomach from laughing so hard. You should make your own video. It would fly off the shelves.

      Voted up up and away!

      Best wishes to you and Bev :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sue, that is very nice of you. I will pass along your best wishes to Bev and the same to you and your family. Thank you!

    • Jackie Lynnley profile image

      Jackie Lynnley 4 years ago from The Beautiful South

      Interesting and entertaining hub. You know I have never tried yoga and I keep saying I will, but I am one of those people who has no problem relaxing or limbering up. Still, I know I should give it a chance and if it helps you to lose weight I can't think of an easier way.

      Thanks for the smiles.

      Voting up.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Jackie! I'm actually doing it to help me stay limber; I can tell the old muscles and joints are not responding the way they once did.

    • RNMSN profile image

      Barbara Bethard 4 years ago from Tucson, Az

      tis is by far the best the funniest the most succinctly written info commercial yet for yoga!! :) what? it is not meant to be an info comm?? :) too cool and look at all these comments in just a few days!! I have to keep reading your work; you are totally fantastic!! I clicked alllll the buttons and shared to my FB! great start to my day...now since I am a health coach and actually encourage people to try yoga how the hell am I supposed to do that today without convulsing in laughter over the phone as I remember your hub???? huh???thanks a lot billybuc :) I will be hitting my mute button many many times during my shift today! :)

    • sean-pro profile image

      sean-pro 4 years ago from Canada

      Entertaining hub Billy :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      RNMSN....I think it's safe to say that yoga businesses won't be calling me as a spokesperson anytime soon. LOL...I'm glad you enjoyed it; I had a blast writing it.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Sean; I enjoyed writing it.

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 4 years ago from Virginia

      Loved this one billybuc, unnatural position causing great pain says it all! Stick with it though, I think it's made your writing more flexible! Voted up and awesome!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Good one, Pete! I like that explanation; it gives me hope for my body as well.

    • profile image

      lovedoctor926 4 years ago

      It's awesome that you are practicing yoga. Yoga is a great way to release tension in your body and mind. It does improve your strength, balance and flexibility. I've been practicing yoga for over a year now and I feel great. The child's pose is great for beginners. Usually you will start with the downward dog and from there the plank pose. With the plank pose, you will wake up very sore especially when you are first starting out. The downward dog is awesome because it builds strength in the upper arms and rejuvenates the entire body. It takes a while before you notice some changes. As far as doing a headstand, I haven't been able to do one yet.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Love, we won't be considering a headstand for quite some time. I already can feel the difference regarding flexibility and strength and the soreness is going away. I'm hooked and will keep doing it. Thank you my friend!

    • profile image

      lovedoctor926 4 years ago

      Lol. Your welcome. I really like your work.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you again, Love!

    • profile image

      iamaudraleigh 4 years ago

      By your sense of humor...lol...I can see your yoga style to be quite comedic! I laughed so hard when I read this! I hope karma sutra sat with you better...lol! That guys voice is annoying...lol! I hope you find the serenity you deserve. Peace Bill...lol!!!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cyndi, peace comes at a steep price. LOL..thanks Sis! I'm always happy when I can make others laugh.

    • shalini sharan profile image

      shalini sharan 4 years ago from Delhi

      Bill the hub was hilarious, i tried doing it once and it worked too, but i was too lazy to continue

      great hub, shared

    • Don Bobbitt profile image

      Don Bobbitt 4 years ago from Ruskin Florida

      I Love it! I absolutely Love it! Recently Retired, I found out about a Yoga class that was for Seniors, taught by a Chiropractor. That in itself had to be a warning to my addled brain.

      I went to the class and there were 2 other men and over twenty ladies, all of us seniors.

      This was supposed to be a beginners class and we were all supposed to "try" but not to hurt ourselves.

      After the mandatory 45-minutes, I couldn't even bend over and pick up my mat to leave, one of the really old women picked it up for me; with a smile of course.

      I went over to pay the instructor, with an obvious new limp, and she looked at me and handed me her business card.

      I just shook my head, and went home to spend three days on the sofa with my old friend, percoset!

      Now? I play Golf! I can do it standing up, and if I am careful, I can complete 18-holes without hurting myself too badly.

      SO, Goodbye Yoga, Hello Golf. Besides every golf course has a bar at the end of the 18-holes. LOL!

    • Blond Logic profile image

      Mary Wickison 4 years ago from Brazil

      Hi Billy,

      Funny you should write this now. I was just about to start a yoga program on DVD. I may have to give this a rethink now.

      I was the type that would ride an exercise bike with a cup of tea in one hand and the remote control in the other.

      Billy look at it this way, you could cause yourself an injury doing these positions, opt for the hammock. Unless you fall out, you are much safer.

      Thanks for the laugh.

    • DeborahNeyens profile image

      Deborah Neyens 4 years ago from Iowa

      You crack me up, Bill. I hope you stick with your yoga practice and figure out why it makes so many of us feel so great!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Shalini, I am so happy that you enjoyed it! I'll stick with it and see what happens. So far the pain is subsiding so that's a good thing, right?

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Don, I think your comment is much funnier than my hub! I think you are right on with your choice of golf over yoga, especially because of that bar stool at the 19th hole. Great comment; thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Blond, I love the line about the hammock. We actually have one in the backyard so it is always an option. Thank you for the laugh and give yoga a try; you just might like it. For all my complaining I do feel better.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Deborah, I most likely will keep at it. I have more trouble finding the time to do it than I do actually doing it. :) Thank you my friend!

    • dwachira profile image

      [ Danson Wachira ] 4 years ago from Nairobi, Kenya

      billybuc, i enjoyed reading this, kindly tell your neighbor dogs to stop barking, or simply buy them off! i hope the barking is not part of the yoga thing.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      dwachira, thank you! It never occurred to me that the barking might be part of the program. LOL

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 4 years ago from Neverland

      Beautiful Hub Bill! I have to admit I love yoga. It does bring me peace and it gives me a certain type of bendiness =) BUT I've been doing it for years. Stick with it buddy - and you will notice a difference. Please dont sue the video company...its way too American :P

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ardie, I'll stick with it. I'm too stubborn to quit now! :) Thank you!

    • rtaf444 profile image

      rtaf444 4 years ago

      Thank you for sharing your wisdom with all of us!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      rtaf444, thank you, although I'm not sure about the wisdom part of your comment. :)

    • CassyLu1981 profile image

      CassyLu1981 4 years ago from Spring Lake, NC

      LOL I absolutely love your definitions of those poses :) I've tried yoga before, couldn't seem to stick with it. Maybe I should try again??? Voted up and Shared!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cassy, what a pleasure....three times this morning....thank you! I actually do like yoga; it's finding the time to do it that is hard for me.

    • profile image

      KDuBarry03 4 years ago

      Kill the damn cat and get me a beer! LOL I absolutely love this, Bill! I think you just gave us some yoga for laughter :P

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Keith, I had great fun writing this one; glad you enjoyed and thank you buddy!

    • Cardisa profile image

      Carolee Samuda 4 years ago from Jamaica

      Billy, I found you descriptions of the poses pretty funny...lol...

      To do yoga, one's mind has to be a certain state. To make it easier, you would need to meditate on something peaceful and let your breathing carry you through the moves. You have to center yourself in order to reap the benefits.

      Anyway, good luck with your new routine and I am proud that you haven't quit.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Cardisa! I will hang in there because I just hate to quit at anything. :)

    • Rosyel Sawali profile image

      Rosyel Sawali 4 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      Good luck on your yoga practice! I must admit I haven't tried it. Not sure I'm fit enough to even try. LOL ^_^

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Rosyel, I said the same thing, but after a week or so, it became much easier. Thank you!

    • suzettenaples profile image

      Suzette Walker 4 years ago from Taos, NM

      This is hilarious! I haven't taken on Yoga yet. I do the NY City Ballet tape for exercise. (As I child, I took ballet) But, now it is a bit late in life to be trying to hit that bar with my toes. So, I can imagine what Yoga is like for you. You are a good sport! Take care and happy exercising!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks Suzette; I still feel like I'm out of my mind!

    • jpcmc profile image

      JP Carlos 4 years ago from Quezon CIty, Phlippines

      This is really funny. But I'm glad you are trying to have a healthier lifestyle. My wife loves yoga. One time she encouaged me to try it out with her. So as a good and loving husband, I had no choice but to say yes. Around 5 mnutes into the routine I was already sweating like I'm almost ready to meet my maker. What surprised me is when she said...we're done with the warm up, let's start. WHAT?! this was just the warm up.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      jpcmc, I understand completely! My first time I thought the video would never end...turned out to be seven minutes. Now it seems like seven, but man, that first time was a killer.

      Thank you!

    • Thelma Alberts profile image

      Thelma Alberts 4 years ago from Germany

      Very funny Bill! I just imagine you on the floor doing your favorite yoga position, lol. My cousin who is making fruit salad near me keep on asking whom I´m chatting to because I keep on laughing while reading this. Can you not change the DVD without lake with DVD with lake and sounds of the ocean? Right, just fun. I love this hub. Thanks for sharing.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thelma, I love your suggestion! Thanks and I'm glad you got a laugh from this silliness!

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