Help me. I'm afraid of feeling lucky.
I know. This fear is very weird. Whenever I spend money, sit in a comfortable environment, lie down on my bed, I feel a great fear of why I am so lucky. In those moments, immediately in my mind pops up the thinking that many many others don't have the luck that I own. And I still don't understand why I have that privilege to be luckier than other people.
There is a huge contradiction here. I cannot resist the need to enjoy comfort, like eating good food. But at the same time, I cannot fully enjoy that comfort, because my fear of being luckier than other people haunts me.
Born in a middle-class family, I have the opportunity to study in a better environment than other people, live comfortably under a convenient house and am proud of being in a happy family. Since I was young, I did acknowledge this luck, thus never feel dissatisfied when something negative happened. Everything is just too good to me, and I cannot feel bad about just almost anything. This environment builds me a complete optimistic attitude towards life. Recently, for no reasons, I find myself disappointed and depressed because I cannot do better.
I am working in a big company, but compared to my friends, I am way far beyond them, in terms of salary. There is a huge urge in me to make a jump. A way big jump. But according to my current situation, I find no way out. I realize that in order to create a life for myself, I should follow a different route than other people. What I am feeling now is I don't have the patience to work throughout the years to be promoted gradually to the executive level.
And now I feel afraid. I am afraid that I am too lucky to strive from my current situation. I am obsessed with the image of people in the previous generation had to struggle real hard to meet the daily needs. I fear that without these difficult situation, I cannot make a jump. I feel I don't have enough power and resilience to make a big jump out of my current situation.
Fear that I cannot be financially free
Earning the very first salaries of my life, I can feel the pressure of money on life. With the current salary, I feel unstable and unconfident. This boosts my fear even higher. Is my current situation due to the fact that I have had too much luck and comfort? This luck has stopped me from making earning money an important goal. I know that in order to be great, one must strive for something much greater than a financial purpose. However, for these recent months, I feel the ambition to make much money. I want financial freedom in my life.
How to transform fear to motivation?
The biggest contradict in my problem is that fear has not yet turned into motivation. I feel afraid of being lucky, but not motivated to get into action. I know this is completely wrong, but we cannot change feelings by using rational thinking, right?
I read an article talking about entrepreneurs somewhere. They all point out that entrepreneurs become entrepreneurs because they are forced to be so. They have no other choice. Yesterday, I sat alone and thought that maybe I must imagine myself to be in such situation in order to make a big jump. Besides going to work daily, I must do something else, imagining that I have a crowded and hungry family to feed. I wanted to put myself in an imagined tight situation, in which I have no choice but to work damn hard and find new ways to make more money. This can be a method, which I would like to apply whenever feeling demotivated or tired.
As a highly self-motivated person, I believe in the possibility of growing quickly and earning greatly. However, as you have read, I still cannot take advantage of my fear of feeling lucky. The way I observe this fear is that it becomes something I feel ashamed and embarrassed about. I feel guilty everytime I oversleeps. I feel guilty when I pay a large amount of money to buy good food. Yep, it is guilty pleasure, and I haven't found a way out to make it become a motivation for me to work harder.
I think to make a change, I need a few resolution starting from today.
From tomorrow onwards, I will wake up early, resisting the urge to sleep a little more. This sounds easy when I feel motivated to do it, but so hard to do when I am in the sleeping condition, and my brain just wants to enjoy a little more. I will need to ask my parents and friends to help me on this. Definitely.
From tomorrow onwards, I will have a better schedule in the morning. I will spend the early morning reading, updating news and preparing my motivation for the new day. This habit will energize my day, helping me to feel I have spent the day in a more useful way.
Finally, from tomorrow onwards, I will spend more time reading and writing. When I cannot write, I will not force myself to write. I will expand my reading category to finance and real estates to update my knowledge about this field.