When I Discovered My Son's Addiction : A Mother's Nightmare
My Beautiful Little Boy
One of the happiest days of my life was the day my oldest son was born. Now everyday, I'm filled with frightening terror. What happened to my beautiful little boy with sandy-blond hair, and gorgeous blue eyes? Where's the little man I cradled in my arms? Where's my son who would sing his A-B-C's, and I would read to nightly before going to sleep? What happened to my independent little boy, at age two, who thought he could walk up the stairs by himself? Even though, he fell and ended up with butterfly stitches above his eye. The little boy at age five remembered me carrying him two to three blocks, after falling and hitting his head on the balance beam. Another one of his Mr. Independent days; "look what I can do mommy".
Teaching and Learning
As a mother, we teach our child to walk, talk, and feed themselves. We try to teach him right from wrong. As a mother, we teach him how to read and write. Always teaching him about life: how to say no; and how to deal with peer pressure. We teach him to be a leader not a follower. Hoping upon hope this will stick with him, as he grows. All of our teachings, will they be enough? Will he make the right choices in his life?
Ground Hog Day
Every day seems to be Ground Hog Day, Deja Va, A Never-Ending Story, day in and day out the despair of not knowing. Everyday, I have the same thoughts and feelings. I'm wide awake, but having the same nightmare over, and over again. What is he doing? Is he okay? Does he have someplace to stay, a bed in which to sleep? or is he sleeping in a vehicle or on the streets? Has he had anything to eat? Is he cold, or does he have clean clothes? This has become a part of my life, daily. I never dreamed, it could happen to me. I just want to sleep, wake up, and truly find out it was only a nightmare. However, I wake up each day, and discover it's not just a bad dream, It's truly my nightmare, and it is happening in my life. Nothing I can do to change it. Searching daily for answers of how to cope. Praying daily for a miracle.
Everyday, you hope for a call or a text message. A call or a text to tell you he's okay, or to tell you he's ready to change. Hoping and praying, he's ready to start working toward a common goal. A goal to recovery. However, when you finally get a call or text, your hope is dashed once again. The call comes. As a mother, it's not what you want to hear. He tells you he's fine, and he's not going to get help with his addiction. You take a firm stance with him. Always hoping, by being firm it will help. Once again, you feel you lost him further into the dark world, in which he exists. The dark world has sucked the life out of him. The beautiful little boy, I once knew, has been replaced with someone I no longer know.
What happened to cause such a dramatic change? What was the conflict within him? What is he trying to escape? his life? emotions? family? a traumatic event? Did he feel smothered? Did he feel he was not loved enough? Did he feel he didn't measure up to expectations? Was it peer pressure? Was he trying to cope with reality? Is he hiding from his true feelings? What happened? So many questions, yet no answers.Will I ever know, what truly happened to my son?
A Mother's Love
A mother's love for her child is unconditional. As a mother, you may not like or approve of the choices your child makes in life. However, you still love them. The fact he's made bad choices doesn't make me love him any less. He's still my son, my little boy. The beautiful little boy I cradled in my arms. The little boy, I nurtured and loved from the day he was born.
How will it end?
Who has the answers? How it will end? Only God knows. I pray daily he will see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. The dark tunnel in the dark world, in which he lives. Until my son can be true to himself, admit he has an addiction, and seek help, I will live daily in a mother's nightmare. Praying daily for the light.
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© 2010 Cindi