HAS SOCIETY MADE ME WANT TO LIVE IN A SHELL!

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   ravenmnposted 14 years ago

   One day your up, the next your down but this is no rollercoaster of joy... This is 'BIPOLAR LIVING' Now don't get me wrong it's not all bad.... oh no!! I mean what 'normal' person can start Drinking Before 8am in the morning,random unknown music blaring out in the back-ground while mortifying there 16 year old daughter in front of her friends by pretending your cool and falling over is all part of the dance routine????? I suppose thinking about it of course it's funny.......but it's not, That my friend is the mania side just ...and i say Just kicking in.... Oh boy the mania sure lets THE WORLD know it's arrived. It's mad feeling like your sat inside a shell looking out,seeing but not being able to do anything about it. Now ideally medication should be strong enough to grab you kicking and screaming out of that shell instead of taking you to the shop for a LARGE BOTTLE OF VODKA and small bottle of lemonade (I still say mania is a posession of some kind cos I surely would not pick lemonade as a mixer...yuk) Anyway Bipolar ramblings over... oh yes...SHOP...VODKA...LEMONADE...as the 2 bottles of red wine have been consumed....I'm not even drunk...hic.....up... Inside my shell I'm screaming....'ARE YOU FOR REAL' But nobody hears me when I'm in my Shell.. Or do they???? but choose to ignore me?? bla bla... The Mania continues for a few hours longer,and ALL rational thinking goes out the window.. I'd say Feelings do to but they just sit on your shoulder watching and waiting for the perfect opportunity to.......POUNCE....That's when the Tears appear,the Self Loathing,Self Pity and Half if not All Contacts in your Phone Book know to Steer Clear,Ignore you cos...'IT's just LAURA...ON ONE AGAIN...Ignore her!!!! At the time understanding this is impossible to comprehend and the texts/calls/both get more Desperate...More Urgent.....And More EMBARRASSING....until Finally you collapse in a heap of Snot and Tear's comotose to the world for a few snatched hours or INTERLUDE as I like to call it! Because on waking up with the worst hangover since the last time you mixed RED WINE,VODKA AND LEMONADE....Oh queasy at the thought of that...YOU REMEMBER!  Now Never let it be said that being bipolar in any way includes only using a part of your Brain...Trust me you remember EVERY detail,EVERY tear,EVERY scream and EVERY EMBARRASSING THING YOUR MANIA DID and that's when you crawl back into your Shell,and Ponder,and Think and Try not to Think, and cry and the depression fall's on you like a ton of brick's and the Wicked Cycle Begins Again....So I ask you is it my fault I have Bipolar?? Is it fair that the self loathing almost consumes you and the dark thoughts try to overtake you??? Is that why I live in a shell regardless??? because I know society,friends,loved one's or partners are them selves so embarrassed they ignore and are glad the Shell is my home, be truthful what could anyone do to stop the vicious circle that the Mania brings??? To be listened to,held,loved and understood I say but my Shell is so totally wrapped around me that I fear not a one person I know could even reach me!!! BUT TO HAVE SOMEONE TRY WOULD BE NICE and you never know it might work.... Looks like it's a shell for my home forever.......

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   kirstenblogposted 14 years ago

   You description of bi-polar is a very eye opening one for someone who does not have to undergo that roller-coaster. I sure do wish I had a magic wand or some powerful spell that could spare you from the feelings of depression after a manic episode, you and every other bi-polar sufferer out there! It sounds like hell when its out of control like you describe.
   
   Have you ever tried anything that brings it under some sort of control?
   
   I know there are meds out there that are supposed to even out those ups and downs, I also hear they have unpleasant side effects and are not always easy to stay on.
   
   I myself spent years with borderline personality disorder, sever chronic depression etc. and got the privilege of meeting people with bi-polar who I greatly admired, not for their illness but for their courage and their 'real selves' the people they are under the highs and lows. My friends were highly intelligent and had accomplished more in their lives then I and with more challenges too!
   
   I wish it was as easy as saying, use those manic moments to write hubs and promote them so that when the mania is over you have something to be proud of, hubs that are raking in the dosh!

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   ravenmnposted 14 years ago

   Thanks for checking my ramblings out and for your kind words... it's the first piece i've written prob won't be the last lol as for spells to help well i once upon a time could have prob been able to perform ,but as i've not long accepted the bipolar my faith is on the back burner. i've only just had the manic episode and was sliding into the depression but i sense it's the hyper mania instead....it's not all bad i'm just hoping blogging about that and the other parts of my life i do love like crystals,meditation,witchcraft etc etc help me find me andwho i am/was lol anyway thank u again x

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      kirstenblogposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      When you are in a good place to focus I am pretty sure you could write some hubs here that would be very popular with people suffering the same roller coaster ride as you are! I guess its true that there is nothing like a kindred spirit when we need help ourselves. Your hubs could well provide that kindred spirit to others out here in cyber land.
      
      Oh and crystals, meditation, and even witchcraft could be fun hubs as well! Must warn you tho that witchcraft could be controversial for some, if you are bothered about those sorts of people that is .

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   Minnalousheposted 14 years ago

   It's all pattern recognition. Read this, get a clue.
   Path of Least Resistance You'll never break the chain, unless you understand the chain.

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   theglobalspiritposted 14 years ago

   Hi Ravenmn:
   
   I do not have any answers but just wanted to say that I was moved by your honesty and braveness. 
   
   Please search for help and happiness when you are not having manic episodes so that the help is there for you when you are. Never be embarrassed and try to get out of your shell as soon as possible. Nothing is your fault.
   
   Stacey & Bobby

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