Jump Start Your Life After Depression
Help Yourself, Speak Your Mind
Have you ever believed that expressing your self in any way will always lead to a disastrous consequence?? Do you complain of this weight on your chest, or this voice in your head telling you not to trust yourself?? Well, I have felt that way all my life... Today, I decided to do something about it!
Well, looks like this is going to be my first post on squidoo. I don't really know what I want to write about... Hell, the problem is that I don't think I have the ability to write about anything. I have read some articles and posts guiding you on how to jump start your writing on squidoo and a certain point grabbed my attention. That point was about writing a topic that can be branched out to several articles. At that moment, millions of ideas started to race wildly in my head. Never the less, there was one particular idea that hushed up all the other noises. I was really disappointed at myself when I took some time to contemplate with this idea. I have genuinely believed that I was through with these "issues" that revolve around this idea . After all the self-help books that I have read and heard, and all the therapy sessions that I have attended, I still find it gravely difficult to trust the most important person in my life; myself.
The truth is that I believe that I do not have the necessary knowledge/ skills/ charisma or whatever skill it takes, no matter how trivial or simple it is to do even the simplest of tasks. Not that I'm handicapped or something, it's just that I believe I'll always make a grave mistake that would lead to a disaster. I'm aware that I'm an average smart person and there for, entitled to occasionally make mistakes yet I know that I have the capability to do better and that these mistakes could be avoided. There for, In my own philosophy that means that these mistakes should not be made and to avoid them, the whole task has to be avoided. Less tasks leads to less mistakes, and accordingly less "disasters". I'm aware that this sounds really stupid, yet that actually is what I believe. If I write an article, I'll have to handle the responsibility of every word written and its impact on every one reading it. Maybe a misspelled word would alter a meaning or perhaps even a missed comma would suggest what was not intended. Maybe a phrase here or there will get stuck in someone's head and assist in building a belief about something.
As you might have noticed, I'm suffering from a nerdy type of low self-esteem. The effort it takes to try to ward these thoughts off and actually think straight is simply draining. I have vast knowledge on how to patch up your self-esteem and feel good about yourself. Yet, did it do me any good??? Well, it did to some extent.... it's like when you study the anatomy of the human body on a computer screen and then face a real person of flesh and blood that you have to operate upon. If you were watching the operation from a distance, you would articulate all the "perfect" techniques, yet inside the operation room when YOU have to take responsibility, you freeze. Let's cross out all the "YOU"s and acknowledge that they are all "I"s meaning that I have no idea whether that really happens to everyone, or to all people who have self-confidence issues, or just "me".
Anyways, sigh, my complicated state of mind won't do anyone any good or maybe it would... Well, technically troubled people end up being the best problem solvers as they have had plenty of time to acquire experience. I don't really know whether that it true or not, yet if "feels" right. That's my second problem. I'm a very "feeling" person, but I don't really depend on that too. In fact I depend neither on my feelings nor on my common sense. I ignore them both and seek refugee to a secret hiding place where neither of them can find me. Apparently, this is impossible because you can't keep on running form yourself (which in my case is my worst enemy) forever.
Anyways, In conclusion: I do not have much belief in myself and I tried a million way to boost my self esteem yet nothing really worked so I came up with a new idea that may help me to vanquish my "issues". Going through the thoughts in my head, and analyzing it by writing and sharing the whole process is basically what I'll be doing in this lens. I'll explain each step I take in an effort to conquer my inner demons and hope that these steps will be of help for anyone suffering from the same "state of mind".
The Stages of Self-help
step 1: Have a heart to heart talk with your-self
Open up to your-self and express yourself. Attain better understanding of your-self. Try to figure out what's your problem and most importantly admit to your-self that there is a problem. It's not an external one.... It's embedded deeply in your soul...
Mirror! Mirror! on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
Here we go again my beautiful mirror, tell me who is a friend and who is a foe?
They share a lot in common that it drives me nuts.
"You have always been crazy" you whisper to me
"True, that's a reality. That's why I love you. You always show me the truth!!
Now, let's not talk about any of this, let's talk about us, no one else matters. One day or the other they will all fade to null. Only you and I will exist. That's why we should fortify this bond between us.
I know that I'm not perfect. I have cheated on you numerous times; loved too many people to notice your loneliness. I was stupid, I confess.
I wanted to be accepted by everyone, to be loved… deep down in my soul I felt that I was less than everyone else. I tried to ward that feeling off, yet the more I tried the more tired I got. Foolishly I almost lost my last breath.
I don't really know why this feeling dwells. What caused it is a mystery. Never the less, I was the one who nurtured it for growth. It's the belief that whatever I do will bring up a disastrous consequence.
I don't feel any tie to the human race. Sometimes I feel that I'm worse than them, and surprisingly other times I feel that I'm a more elevated creature. It's the feeling of being alone because you are too unique to fit in the human picture of life. Pretty messed up, huh??
Well, let's carry on anyhow, according to the theory of my uniqueness; I have developed a set of rules that applies to me and only me. These rules include being smarter and more cheerful than anyone I know. Actually, it's not "more than" it's smart and cheerful enough to satisfy my ego...
What is that you say?? Why am I laughing??
I just realized that comparing me to others tugs at my ego and makes me share the human emotion of jealousy. According to my set of rules, this is unacceptable! Jealousy is a condemned emotion that labels it's bearer by darkness. I'm supposed to be immune to darkness since that I'm an elevated creature. Let's not dwell on this and forget our main topic... what was it??
Uhh, yes I remember. I'm smart and cheerful. Moreover, I' m of grave importance that life cannot carry on without me. Accordingly, I'm very successful by my own standards. According to those standards, I help a very large number of people and improve their lives with no intention of self-glory. No one will know of these acts except me. This will make me feel better about myself and would redeem my sense of worthlessness. I know that I sound pathetic, or maybe I'm not. Only you my mirror matter. I want to impress you. I want you to tell me that I'm beautiful. I know that you have never lied to me and never will; Right??
Step 2: Admit That You have A Problem
"So, after having a heart to heart talk with myself and frustrating it, what in the whole wide world am I supposed to do??!!"
"Have you figured out what is troubling you the most??"
"Yes! YOU! So, just bug off and leave me alone!"
"You know that I irritate you that much because I remind you of your each and every flaw. Not only that, but I also magnify it a million times."
"So what! Everyone has issues!"
"But you do not believe that you are like anyone else, Right?? You are not allowed to have any issues according to your own standards??"
"What do you want from me??"
"Admit that you have a problem and that it is perfectly fine that you have a problem."
"What good will that do other than making me feel like a worthless jerk??"
"Admitting that there is a problem is sometimes half the solution. Besides, you are a worthless jerk if you hide from your problems and pretend that they do not exist. Not doing anything to help yourself is what you should be ashamed about not having issues like all the other creatures! Elevated or not, all CREATURES have issues!"
"So now I'm supposed to feel inspired and enlightened??!!"
"No, you are supposed to feel less defensive, and more open for learning ways to help yourself."
"Tell me, Why Should I exert any effort to change??
"Mmm describe your life in one sentence?"
"So now we are back to speaking in riddles; answering questions with other questions??"
"I believe that we agreed to drop the defensive-aggressive attitude!"
"Well, fine! Let me see... My Life is worthless, miserable and pathetic! "
"Compared to what; other people's lives??"
"No, most of the people are pathetic! And the funny thing is that some of them don't even know that they are pathetic which is simply more pathetic!"
"So basically you nominated yourself a judge and decided to rule everyone, including yourself to being pathetic! Don't you think that your self-hatred have gone so far now?? I mean you hate yourself, but why do you have to hate people because they remind you of your inadequacies? Or perhaps it's Jealousy that generates such loath to people?"
"I'm not jealous; maybe I envy their ignorance a bit...Hell! I just want to be happy as they seem to be."
"Then that's your motive to change... You do not want to be miserable and pathetic all your life. You just convinced yourself that everyone else is pathetic to protect yourself from feeling inferior. The fact is that those who feel inferior to everyone else are only inferior to their own selves according to their own set of standards. It's Self-satisfaction that they lack and that causes their agony. Bottom line, it's the pain that pushes you to change. Not only the pain but also the possibility acquiring the satisfaction of achieving self-admiration"
"So, (pain and Hope) are my answer! Couldn't you have just said that from the beginning?!"
"I'll ignore the sarcastic attitude. Just remember your pain of feeling worthless and pathetic every time you feel like giving up. In addition check your goals and dreams when you feel weak at heart"
"What about the pain that I'll experience after I fail to change?"
"Either way you'll be in pain. Never the less, when you attempt to change there is this possibility of cure. Anything other than that will be a temporary solution. It's the odds of cure versus continual pain. This is the choice that you have to make on your own"
"Finish what you started"
"Why should I? It's futile! No one is benefiting from it. Besides it takes too much effort"
"I can remember all those times that you started doing something and were ecstatic about it then you stopped halfway. Actually, not halfway but more like after taking the few first steps. Can you recall how you felt afterwards?"
"Well, I was not happy about it."
"Not happy about it!!! You felt like crap at every single case of half-finished task or business you lost a chunk of your self-esteem. You kept on disappointing and failing yourself till you reached a state of self-loath!"
"You don't understand! It's...."
"Fake pathetic excuses!"
"They're not fake excuses!! And they are not pathetic"
"Fine, list them to me!"
"First, it's not really what I want to do..."
"When you are hesitant about whether or not you should go through any experience, you have to finish it till the end to know for sure whether you like it or not. You cannot judge a book by its cover or by the first few pages. You have to finish it to know for sure. Other than that, you'll never know for sure whether it's good or not. You already purchased the book and read the first 20 pages. Finish it up before you start another one."
"Because I'll fail and that's pretty much apparent. No one cares about what I say or do. No one is impacted by what I do! No one is supporting me and I..."
"You are impacted and you are the most important person in your life! You are your own best friend. Listen, any excuse that you come up with after starting a task is just a result of your fears. Take all the time you need to think through all the obstacles, consequences, the benefits and the harms; Do all that BEFORE you start. Yet, once you set your mind on doing something, finish it. Let nothing stop you or slow you down."
"You are being too harsh on me! "
"And you are being too soft on yourself??!!"
"Fine! I'll finish what I started!"