Miscarriage: thirty years on. My Story

I thought of Kelly today.

I was standing in front of a shop window staring at a pair of shoe's, nothing particularly on my mind, when all of a sudden, grief overwhelmed me. I felt a tugging in my belly as though someone was grabbing my insides and pulling them towards Heaven. Pregnant. I remembered my second pregnancy. It struck me from out of nowhere. Why was I thinking about pregnancy? That was a lifetime ago.

I hadn't thought about it for a long, long time then all of a sudden I saw her. She had long blond hair and she was laughing. I could see that she was about five years old and full of life.

I stayed there in front of the shop window, feeling my eyes filling up with tears. I couldn't move, as I didn't have a tissue and I definitely didn't want people to see me overflowing, with tears falling down my face.

What had brought this on? I didn't know. I realised at that second that I had been so wrapped up over the last few years with my father dying and then my mother, and recently my Aunt. All of these I loved very much.

Maybe it was because my brother was selling the family home, or maybe it was just that so many things had been happening out of my control recently, that I felt as I though I had been cast out to sea, on a life raft. Caught up in the maelstrom of a storm, drifting away from the shore, and trying to clutch back my old life with such a desperation, that my arms ached.

I could see it all drifting off in the distance and not being able to do anything about it.

Your family is your cushion. The father at the back of you, smiling gently at your mistakes, and my mother in the front telling me off when I did something wrong, but then hugging me when I felt alone. Brothers and aunts being the side cushions that make you feel as if you are surrounded by love.

I have my own son I love above and beyond anything else. And my partner. But even though I am an adult, I still feel Like a child without my comfort blanket.

I was nineteen when I had my son and I was very happy just to play and laugh with him, that when I became pregnant again six months later, I panicked and thought i would not be able to cope. We were living in a caravan at the time, and there was not a lot of room, so when I became pregnant again, initially i didn't really want another child. I had been given a coil, which is inserted in my womb, to stop another pregnancy. But somehow I hadn't worked.

After I had got used to the idea, I became excited. I didn't know what it was going to be at this time, but I didn't care whether it was a boy or a girl.

But things happened, maybe it was the cold of the caravan, or just that my body wasn't ready for another baby, but when I was five months pregnant, I was rushed into hospital, and i was told that the baby had died.

They fitted me up with a drip and I had to go through the pain of childbirth, knowing that there wouldn't be a baby at the end of it.

Only empty arms.

I seemed to take it in my stride, Oh well I thought, there will be others. I realised afterwards that I was in shock. I had the usual sympathy come my way, but like anything else, it soon dimmed in the passage of time.

I got on with my life, even having two more miscarriages, but these were very early ones, and I seemed to recover from the emotional pain quickly.

Then a strange thing happened.

About five years later, I was sleeping in my bed at night, and I had a dream. At least I think it was a dream.

I dreamt that I was in bed, staring at my bedroom door, and suddenly there was a glow coming through from the hallway.

Suddenly a little girl ran up to the bed and jumped on it. She looked so much like my son that I knew it was Kelly.

Hello mummy, she said, they have let me come to see you, but I can't stay for very long.

I remember hugging her and talking, but I don't recall about what. Then all of a sudden, the light in the doorway shifted and I saw the shape of what I believe to be a woman, beckoning her back.

Kelly looked at me and said, I have to go know mummy but I will come back and see you again.

With that she jumped off of the bed and ran to the door. Turning to wave, she reached out and took the woman's hand.

I woke up. I felt very strange. It had felt so real. And this has stayed with me ever since. It is as plain as my everyday life. Mostly you forget dreams, and some you do remember, but this one is still as fresh in my mind as it was then.

Why did I think of her today? I don't know, maybe she was showing me her presence again, to let me know that she was still here.

Or maybe it was because, if there really is a heaven, then she just wanted to reassure me that my cushions were still here.

I feel a bit better now that I have got this out and written it down. I can smile again. The pain is still there, but it has made me remember myself, as a person with my own memories, and not just someone caught up in everybody else's problems.

Sometimes you have to be reminded that, once you were a young person, who had love and laughter, happy times and sad. But you are really the same person that you have always been.

Reach out and hold on to that shore, before you drift away and forget that you still are who you are. I am lucky, my son is a joy to me.

But I will never forget Kelly again.