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My ADHD/ODD/OCD Son Refuses to Respond to Discipline, and Consequences Don't Mean Anything - Please Help Me!
Parenting ADHD Children
If I had been told that I would be the mother of a wonderful, smart, handsome boy, I would have been thrilled and excited with my new role.
If I had been told that this same wonderful, smart, handsome boy would also have ADHD/ODD, Anxiety Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I would have run screaming for the hills!
Fortunately for my son, I did not have prior knowledge of his impending challenges. This may seem like a cold, harsh, unfeeling judgment to many of you. I'm not saying I love my son any less than I would if he didn't have these disabilities, but it would certainly have made our lives easier.
Being the parent of an ADHD/ODD, ADHD/ODD/OCD (or any of the attendant disabilities) child can be difficult. At first glance, these children appear completely normal, meaning they don't have an immediately visible challenge. They generally don't wear leg or arm braces, and they don't use wheelchairs or walk with white canes.
However, these dynamic children come with a completely different set of challenges, that for the uninitiated, can be as hard and in some cases, harder to handle than visible disabilities.
Invisible challenges
For the uninitiated, ADHD stands for Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, ODD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
To begin with, ADHD/ODD/OCD kids don't have the same mind set as their peers. They don't process information the same way, and they aren't interested in many of the same activities as other children their age. In many cases these children are behaviourally, four or five years behind their peers.
ADHD, ODD and OCD are all frontal lobe disabilities. The frontal lobe is responsible for problem solving, memory, language, judgment, impulse control and social behaviour. If you were to look at a brain scan of a person with ADHD, you would see that the frontal lobe has diminished activity compared to a person without the disability. If you were to make a person with ADHD focus on a task, and then view the brain scan, you would notice a marked decrease in activity from the first scan.
This scientifically shows the difficulty, people of all ages and especially children with this disability have in processing and controlling their behaviour.
Visible results of ADHD
Some of the visible manifestations of ADHD are as follows.
- appears to daydream, has trouble maintaining attention (unless the subject is something of interest)
- easily distracted (again, unless the subject is something of interest)
- difficulty following directions and completing tasks
- doesn`t like and avoids tasks requiring sustained mental focus (including schoolwork)
- enjoys loud, excessive play
- has trouble with short term/mid term memory, often forgetting details,doesn't grasp monetary values
- appears to ignore or not hear when spoken to (exceptionally selective hearing)
- constantly on the move, can't sit still, fidgets
- has no concept of time
- compulsive, speaks and/or acts before thinking
- verbose (talks non-stop)
- difficulty waiting turns, interrupts or disrupts conversations and activities
This is not a complete listing, but enough that a parent of a non-ADHD child can see some of what we deal with on a daily basis.
Add an attendant disability or three into the mix and the challenge to parent the child goes from difficult to almost impossible.
Attendant disibilities
ODD, OCD, CD, (Conduct Disorder) Bipolar, Anxiety Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tourettes Syndrome, Aspergers or Depression, to name a few disorders, can manifest along with ADHD. Some of these might not be predominant enough to warrant a stand alone diagnosis, however, many disabilities share some of the same symptoms. So although your child might show a propensity for violent behaviour, walk on his toes and talk to himself, he probably won't be diagnosed with Aspergers.
It is nearly impossible to understand how these children process the effects of their disabilities, so being the person responsible for maintaining a source of discipline can be equated to going over Niagara Falls in a barrel with one paddle and a skein of wool to keep you from falling.
The buck stops here...
The hardest and most confusing part of your job as a parent of an ADHD child is discipline and consequences.
Once you have been given information about your child's disorder, it becomes your responsibility to learn everything you can. It falls to you to liaise with school officials, teachers, and psychologists. Notice I didn't say family members. Most family, including siblings, can't understand why your child reacts to discipline so differently. In order to build a good family support system, they also need to learn about your child's disability.
This same reaction can lead parents of these children to try multiple methods of discipline and leave them speculating as to the success of any one of them.
Be consistent
One of the most important points to remember when faced with inconsistent results from discipline is to, believe it or not, be consistent! The results of your discipline may seem to fluctuate, but you need to maintain that uncrossable line. Eventually, as with all children, your child will get the message that the undesirable behaviour is unacceptable and comes with consequences, even if at the time, the child doesn't seem to care.
You need to work with the professionals in your child's life, psychologists, teachers, etc., to build a workable system to guide your child. If you are still not seeing any positive results, you need to enlist more help, or make some changes. Don't be afraid to change the professionals if you feel they aren't a good fit for your child. You wouldn't think twice about changing your physician if you weren't happy, and the same thing applies to the professionals helping your child.
Long haul
Unfortunately, for parents of ADHD/ODD children, there is no quick fix. There are no short cuts and no magic solutions to your challenges. There are several avenues available that can diminish certain aspects of this disorder and its attendant disabilities. Each one needs to be researched to see what meets yours and your child's needs. There are medications, each with their own risks and side effects, herbal formulas, supplement regimes, diet control, and behaviour therapy, to name the most popular.
In most cases the medications available don't affect changes to much of the challenging behaviour that manifests, and many parents are unaware there are supplements that can help. In order to change the behaviours, you need to change the brain. To do this requires hours of work with psychologists, behaviour modification specialists and mentors. Raising the levels of serotonin and dopamine in the brain helps to strengthen and balance the brain, enabling it to function better. This in turn can help with your child's behaviour.
There are links listed below to an online community for support and other hubs that offer ADHD information. The only thing you can do to help alleviate the effects of ADHD/ODD/OCD and other disorders, is to keep learning. The more you know, the better armed you are to help your child.
Remember, you aren't alone.
More ADHD information
- Ons Small Step for Parents
An online community with resources, information and support for parents raising children with ADHD and its attendant disorders. - ADHD/ADD And Their Co-disorders
- How To Cope With Your Child's ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder)
Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ODD, ADHD/ODD. This is for the parents who live with this disability, day in, and day out. If they are lucky, maybe they catch a break on the weekend, (depending on whether you are a single parent) if not, then unless a - Amen, Daniel G., M.D. -- Change Your Brain, Change Your Life
Comments
Excellent hub, as always! You provide very good advice. This disorder is very difficult to deal with. It takes a lot of understanding, knowledge, and patience when you're dealing with a child with a disorder. Consistency and structure go a long way with kids with ADHD.
One thing that I would suggest to parents that have a child with ADHD is to check with their childs' pediatrician about Sensory integration Dysfunction. Some children that have been diagnosed with ADHD actually have Sensory Integration Dysfunction (also known as Sensory Perception Disorder). Some children have both. This I found out the hard way with my 11 year old son. He has ADHD and Sensory Integration Dysfunction. But, I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. He is so funny, brilliant, and loving. And, he's mine!
Great job! Keep 'em coming!
Nice job!
Enelle, you're doing a great job, even if sometimes it doesn't feel that way to you! Stay positive and happy! :)
Who better than you to be writing this, Enelle? You're compassion and love for you son radiates here. This hub should also help parents to decipher whether or not their child may or may not have ADHD. Great hub.
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Erica, thank you for the wonderful compliment. How could I have missed your hub? I will amend my links to include it!
Thank you SamiAnne, I appreciate the comment :)
Hi FP, I appreciate your vote of confidence :D I will do my best to follow your advice!
Hi Dohn, so happy to see you and read your kind words :) The only way parents can effectively solve the challenges they face is to become knowledgeable about the disorders - the more I help others, the more I learn! Thanks for visiting Dohn!
Fabulous Enelle. We parents of our GREAT but often TRYING kids know that there is so much more to it than is written down in books. Great advice here and yes I've always tried to keep the long haul, the long road in mind. As one day our kids will be on their own and they need to have the basics that are acceptable in society. Whenever I ask my oldest what was most important to him from me as his mom, he always says my support. Love, love, love them.
This was a very good explanation with good suggestions.
Excellent Hub with a lot of good advice. Loving your children unconditionally is not enough. Parents of all children need to impose boundaries and appropriate discipline.
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Hi Missi - hopefully my son will say the same of me when he is older LOL! I'm still 'hauling' :P
Hi sheila, thank you for the compliment, I'm glad you enjoyed the hub :)
Welcome 2patricias, and thank you for the wonderful compliment! I agree!
This was excellent. You explained everything so well. Great job!
Great artice, you are on target by working with your child. We believe in the same approach good job.
Some days all I could achieve with my daughter is a few minutes peace. I usually acoplished it by keeping on activity that she only got to do when I really needed a break. For our activity I got a huge plastic jug, and filled it with plasticine (non-drying) clay. I also added plastic silverware, small toys etc. It syayed in the fridge unless she earned using it. Good Luck!
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Hi starwritter, thank you, there really isn't much more you can do...
kellysewnsew, I had to change it up regularly as one time that would work and the next dozen it didn't...
Let me preface this comment by saying that I completely understand the point of this hub and that it is to advise and inform and give basic survival info about parenting children with ADHD, but while the intention is honorable, the general overall tone of the hub, at least to me, seemed to be very negative.
As I was reading, I found myself cringing at the continued use of the word disability and the implication that children with ADHD are somehow disabled or mentally challenged.
Just a few examples:
“I'm not saying I love my son any less than I would if he didn't have these disabilities,”
“Being the parent of an ADHD/ODD, ADHD/ODD/OCD or any of the attendant disabilities child can be difficult.”
“harder to handle than visible disabilities.”
“years behind their peers”
“frontal lobe disabilities”
"a marked decrease in activity"
“children with this disability”
Having lived with the challenges and gifts of ADHD for my whole life and I speak of it in many of my hubs, I do not even remotely consider myself mentally disabled in any way. I have raised two daughters both of whom have ADHD, the oldest having ODD, we prefer to think of her as independent and high-spirited, and sometimes possessed by demons, just kidding. You have to have a sense of humor to parent these kids or you’ll end up pulling out your hair. I’m also married to a man with ADHD. We don’t all have all the “manifestations” you list, but we each have a smattering of most of them to greater or lesser degrees.
I have to tell you that living with ADHD and raising ADHD children, while certainly challenging, is not all hardship and hard work. Children with ADHD are often extremely creative. They do not put limitations on their thinking, and often excel at thinking outside of the box, brainstorming, and finding creative solutions to problems. They are typically more open minded then others. They are great improvisers, and are independent because of the flexibility in their thinking. They are enthusiastic and spontaneous, have quick minds, and absorb information quickly as long as it is interesting to them. High energy is another positive trait.
I have my own interior design business and my husband is an engineer and an inventor with several U.S. patents to his credit. My oldest daughter excels in mathematics and music, while her younger sister is an accomplished dancer and artist.
Some famous people with ADHD:
Andrew Carnegie
Malcolm Forbes
Henry Ford
Jim Carrey
Robin Williams
Alexander Graham Bell
Thomas Edison
Ansel Adams
Albert Einstein
I'm sure I'm completely overreacting and in about an hour I'll regret ever writing this comment, but just call me impulsive.
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Hi Disturbia, I completely understand your reaction to the hub. My son is among the many 'gifted' individuals who have been 'labled' ADHD/ODD. He can be very creative, funny, industrious, and focused. He is a talented writer, builder, and thinks outside the box (sometimes lol!)
The points I made about the frontal lobe are meant to show that there is indeed a reason why these children have trouble processing information the way their peers do. Brain scans have shown that when you force the child to 'try harder' it becomes more difficult for them - not to show they are incapable or mentally challenged. Most parents have trouble dealing with their own problems (and everyone has them) and it can be very frustrating and difficult (for them) figuring out how to help their child be successful. The comment regarding 'harder to handle than visible disabilities' is this. When you see a child with a visible disability, you don't expect them to do something they can't, whereas without visible signs, the expectations are for the child to perform and behave 'within the norm'. As for the 'years behind their peers' they aren't 'years' behind, but the majority of these kids are behaviourally and emotionally 4 or 5 years younger than their peers. My son is turning 13 this year, and in very many ways, he is closer in age to an 8 year old than his 13 year old peers - yet in other ways, he is light years ahead of them.
I would love to be able to say my son is high spirited and independent, which, I will add, his sister is. However, the violent tendencies that manifest in my son (and not my daughter, who is undiagnosed ADD/OCD) do make him more difficult to parent.
He is a wonderful, loving, generous, loyal, sensitive child with a quirky sense of humor and I would love to see this child more often than his 'Dr. Jekyll' impersonation. The one thing that has kept me focused (and sane lol) IS my sense of humor, and the fact that when he finally does grow up and leave the nest, he will be one of the many successful, independent forward thinkers of the next generation.
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Oops...that should have been Mr. Hyde...not Dr. Jekyll LOL...
No, Enelle, you got it right the first time. Dr. Jekyll was the quiet mild-mannered personality. Being a constant advocate to schools, helping professionals, and even your own family can be a draining avocation - especially the part about having to practically beat it into everyone's heads that these kids do have a physical difference that causes the behavioral problems - they aren't just "bad seed". It's not an excuse, it's not a crutch, it's just a fact of life, however wonderful and creative they are the rest of the time. As for you - your bubble may be a bit off-true some days, but I think your humor has survived intact so far ;) Thanks for another great and informative hub. Keep up the great work!
Elle
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Ah Red, you do have a way with words! Thank you so much for your support and vote of confidence. I know, there are days when I have trouble tying my shoes, then run off and battle my son's teachers and principal. I'm sure I would forget my head some days if it wasn't attached, but I never let it get me down! Thank you so much for the wonderful compliment...onward and upward :D
Hey Enelle - sounds like a lot of things keep you on your toes around your place, eh? I hope you take really good care of yourself - thus cutting down on the times of frustration and impatience. Since you have to be the "reasoning" sense for loved ones who sometimes are physiologically incapable of reasoning, I hope you make sure to take breaks and time for yourself.
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I do try to be good to myself - it isn't easy sometimes, when you are dealing with the aftermath of meltdown. That is why I spend so much time on hubpages LOL...
Enelle my heart goes out to you and many others like you who face the many challenges with those tasks. The love you show will always be rewarding, the love of a mother goes without saying. Keep the faith, continue to continue on and keep the shining light of LOVE from God in everything you do.If spending the time in Hubpages is medicinal as well as a distraction, so be it. Let your text continue to flow from your soul. We all appreciate your great sense of humor and fine hubs. God bless and peace be with you.
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Thank you for your kind words saddlerider, they are much appreciated and welcomed. I try not to let it overwhelm me, but I must confess that some days I feel very much like the statue and not the pigeon LOL
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Thank you HealthInfo. It is a tough subject, mainly because of the negative aspects associated with this disability.
Bless you, Enelle - your son is so fortunate to have a mother who cares so much - and bless your sense of humour as well! Maybe we all have good days and bad with our kids whatever they are like but I guess when childhood is a distant memory what we will remember is all the love we shared!
PS: All those jewellery shop pictures I took for you are stuck in a camera that is being repaired - I do hope I get them back else I'll go out and shoot some more!
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Thank you so much for your wonderful comment Shalini! Kind and generous thoughts like these help me to keep going and see the bright side of things - bless you!
I'm so thrilled you remembered! I can hardly wait to see all the wonderful creations - Ooh, I'm so excited LOL!
One of my boys is ADHD and it's incredibly challenging for the entire family. Thank you so much for writing this.
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Take heart Lamme, it does get better! Thanks so much for commenting - I'm glad my views are helpful :)
Lots of prayers, patience, tough love and hard work - -plus plenty of hugs when possible = good mix. Good solid info here to help, for adults and children with ADHD :)
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Yes that combination has helped me through a lot of rough water! Thanks for reading :D
I, too, raised a son with ADHD and ADD. It was a long, difficult road, but we made it through. My mom used to say he was the only child she had ever known that made the hackles on the back of the necks of adults stand up when he walked into the room. You just never knew what he was going to do. One this we learned, though, was to keep him away from red food coloring and sugar. It didn't 'cure' him, but it did make it easier for him to handle things, thus making it easier to deal with him.
As a grown man, he still exhibits some ADHD and ADD tendancies, but most of the time, he can control them. Eventually, with lots of patience, you can get through it.
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That is what I keep telling myself! LOL
You have provided me with great information.
I am a child with ADHD and ADD so i now know to look out for others with ADD or ADHD as well!!!
Thanx sooooo much!!
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It is a growing community! Thanks for stopping by and commenting it's great to meet you!
I am so glad I found you...
As a parent of a 10 year old who was diagnosed at age 4 with ADHD and bipolar disorder, I am constantly looking for knowledge.
I recently discovered hubpages and have been sifting through the information.
I think your posts are reliable advice and spot on for parents who are just learning about their childs disability. And yes, it is indeed a disability.
I have a complicated situation concerning my son, and would like to ask you a lot of questions. But for the sake of not rambling on and on... if you wouldn't mind can you email me? Thank you so much, Melinda Shields
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I would, but for some reason, clicking on your name takes me to gmail! will try through hubpages and see if that helps. If not, I'm relying on you to contact me.
Enelle,
Thanks so much for taking the time to get with me personally! I look forward to future correspondence.
Melinda
Enelle,
This is a very helpful hub and the comments that other hubbers wrote above are also helpful and offer additional advice and insight as well. Thanks for your advice and help...I will be reading more of your hubs!
Easylearningweb
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Thanks so much easylerningweb! I'm pleased that the comments add information and support to my writing. I find the same with my very first hub "living with ADHD/ODD"...the comments are double the length of the hub! Thanks for commenting - I appreciate the great feedback!
Enelle, thank you so much for sharing this. I am the guardian of a sweet little guy who has lots of issues including these. Just reading your hubs gives me alot of strength and comfort. :)
Enelle, I am glad that I found you and this article through Hubnuggets. I am following. This article rings a bell with me not because of having children with this set of disabilities but recognizing some of the symptoms as my own. I do remember a difficult childhood and adolescence.
I don't envy the challenges that you and your son face but I can appreciate them.
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Yes, sligobay I can see symptoms in family members both on my side and the other. They say hindsight is 20/20 lol
At last a human being with more than an ounce of common sense. My son is also ADHD and I have gone through every challenging occasion with him as if it where my own. I found it much easier to assist (rather than control) my sons behaviour by playing down the bad times and encouraging the good times. I also passed my experiences on to all his piers at school and work.
I am very proud of what my son has achieved, being the youngest person ever in Northern Ireland to gain his City and Guilds qualifications in Arbiculture. He has grown up to be a very responsible person. I love him so much.
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Thanks so much for the compliment! I like to think I have at least some common sense LOL...
I have a 6 year old daughter who has adhd odd compulsive and many more stuff wrong with her she doesn't comprehend with anything no one likes to be around her and at times i dont even like to be around her she does some crazy shit...she has put deorderant in her nose and beads in her ears. she cut her own hair and her little sisters hair
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Sounds like you have your hands full and I don't envy you! My son's behavior was worse when he was between the ages of 6 and 12. After he turned 13 and the hormones started kicking in, his behavior started calming down somewhat. (Although other challenges popped up, his behavior was still an improvement from when he was younger!) Just do your best to be consistent - even if it appears that your daughter doesn't care about the consequences you give for her actions, that is the ODD talking - deep down, they do care...
I really enjoy the information that you have added to your hub! Very enlightening for those that have not had to deal with this type of person, or for those that are just entering the world of difficult children. Please, check out my hub and share any information you can. I would love to spread the knowledge around for other parents to read. Maybe some will feel less alone.
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Thanks celestialgirl, I will! Let me know if you are interested in joining my blog (link is listed on my profile and in several comments)
Amen.. I question myself everyday on what is right and wrong with trying to discipline my son. What can he help and what is it that he can't help. Wheww.. I have 3 other children, all younger than him, but he pretty much consumes my time everyday. Thanks for providing such clear and informative information.
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I know what you mean angela, I think I would have gone nuts if I had other kids at home! Glad you enjoyed the hub :)
I have a 10 year old with ADHD, ODD, anxiety and i think depression.He is on juvenile probation for the next couple of months.i feel im being bullied by the school to keep him in school, but for my son homeschooling is recommended by his doctor. Anyone know what my rights are, i live in Missouri.
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Not sure about 'rights' but if you want to homeschool, you should be allowed. Check for homeschooling options online - there might be guidelines for your State. You can also check with the State school board, they would know.
Every parent is a hero, but I believe parents of special needs kids are super heroes. "Invisible" disabilities like "invisible" illnesses (I have one) make your job so much harder. I commend you and your hub and I hope you take time to nurture you too!
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Thanks so much mbwalz - I do my best to fit some time in for me :D
Ugh.... my add is keeping me from writing right this second and has me bouncing around hubs....
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LOL it can be good to do a bit of reading once in a while ;)
I had to read this one. As part of a preschool system we have to continue to understand special children. Your sharing was very helpful. Enelle, thank you for sharing yourself so generously.
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I'm glad that my story helps others to understand these disabilities better :)
Great read Enelle.
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Thanks writerjoy :)
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