The Beginning of a New Me
Oh Emilee, how much more cliché can you be?
I know many say "new year, new me" or "the end of a chapter and beginning of a new" and often times tend to repeat the same routine but with new people or a new style. I admit I have always been one of those people. I think that what is difficult about the desire to start over are unconscious habits and not understanding ourselves. We want a new way to live not necessarily because we hate who we are or screwed up on something and need a change; but because we do not understand why things in our lives happen or why we act the way we do. The fact is: we never will fully understand. That is the most fascinating parts about all lifeforms, the mysteries and unpredictable pathways.
Lately, I have been struggling with many parts of my life. My relationships, both romantic and friendship, my dreams, my finances, but most of all my motivations behind it all. However, what I do need to realize is I am 21 years old entering my senior year of college and pretending to live the life of a well put together 27 year old who has their life in place. It is a constant battle that we face in high school, wanting to be older but never wanting our actual age to change. No matter how old I feel or act, I am young and needing to realize I cannot get too ahead of myself. This is a difficult need when all around me I have friends getting engaged, having babies, graduating, working salary jobs, and settling into the life of adulthood. I have never desired that lifestyle at this age, but I am so afraid of life never giving it to me. I am terrified that one day I am going to wake up and realize that I have failed myself and that the dreams I have are too childish to complete; I will wake up in a nightmare and be too far in to crawl my way out.
That is the biggest struggle I am currently having, well besides the typical 21 year old problems. I have had a dream of performing in musicals professionally and making it to Broadway since the age of four. I was always content with the idea that I was put on this earth to entertain and live on stage. I know I am not ordinary and that God has gifted me with extraordinary passion, desire, and drive that can get me anywhere. However, now that I am exposed to the reality of the PA world, I know that I would have to be one in a million. The fact of the matter is I could work my hardest and want it more than anything, but I might not ever get it. I used to think those factors mattered the most, but now I realize connections and born-given talent tends to outweigh my accomplishments. I think I am terrified that I spend so much time performing and rehearsing, that one day the end of that path will end and I will realize I have to start my life over. But as stated above, a "new me" would be found because of fear and failure.
Since starting college, I have found a new me inside of the me I once was. I am stronger, I am smarter, and I have found another passion that I never want to go away. My sophomore year I discovered my love for psychology; I do think it is something that has always been within me, but that was the time I figured out there was a minor for it. I love discovering ways the human mind works and finding new ways to think and create. Originally, I joined the class to improve my acting skills and know why certain characters would act the way they do. Yes, the studying actually did help my acting, but I discovered a lot about myself and who I was. After that I became addicted and now I have a love for the human mind that I would have never imagined. I now understand how to control my anxiety, how to talk to others in an open and nonjudgmental way, and how to perform my job of working with children in a positive way. I was able to explore my passion for those with special needs, and help get myself and friends through many situations in a healthy way.
This new passion started a new problem, how to mix both psychology and performing arts into my life. For many years I knew I wanted to have a theater that focuses specifically on using arts therapy for special needs children and adults to help spread my passion and teach them new skills. However, now I can see myself doing so much more than that. I can see myself working as an arts therapist, specifically a dance therapist. I believe in the power of movement and art as expression, after all that is probably why I am so drawn to it. I love the idea of getting my masters and helping others the rest of my life. I have tested my theories with one of the kids I work with who has autism. She does not know how to say many words, but is so creative and inspiring. She has one of the biggest hearts I have ever met and teaches the other kids that everyone is different but everyone can be friends. I have been working on hand motions with her that help her keep her hands to herself, show love without hugs, and communicate with me. This morning, her teacher told me she's actually made speech improvements since I started working with her and doing these motions.
So, I have proved to myself that I do have a gift. That actually scares me more than ever before. I am so terrified that I have been working so hard on a dream that will never happen because it isn't supposed to. I am scared that I am going to lose myself and find a new me that isn't as fulfilling. I am afraid of what my supporters will say, and all the people who have been helping me achieve this performing dream. I am also scared that this is a way of getting myself out of a world of auditioning and hearing no that I also fear.
But I refuse to continue to fear the future. I cannot do that to myself anymore. So yes, I am raising a glass of vodka soda with lime to a new me. I want to be happy, healthy, and in love with life no matter what I am doing. I am handing my life over to fate and I am going to keep working hard but with an open heart and mind. Cheers to those of you who also want a new you so you can understand the true you.
Xoxo. Em Gro.